My dp always seems to have the final say in everything!

[fedup1981]

In ikea I wanted a fake plant, he says "No, I don't think so" and walks on like that's it, end of discussion.

In the supermarket I'll pick something up just to look at it and he'll go "I don't like those, sorry" as if to say I can't get them at all.

When mould grew in the top corner of the bedroom wall he said we couldn't reach it with the mould remover, and went and sat down as if that was that so I just stood on a chair and reached easily, but he was sulking downstairs because I didn't take his word as law.

He's said I can't have a kitten, I can't paint walls or do something to tart the house up etc, he says I have fads all the time which I forget ten minutes later. But we have nothing in our lives to look forward to or enjoy apart from our beautiful ds; we don't drink or smoke or go out to non-baby related places much, we never go on holiday or have hobbies/activities, and everytime I try to brighten our lives one way or another I get told NO.

Anyway, latest thing is I've been offered a chihuahua. I've owned dogs before, looking after him will be no problem and my ds loves dogs, but I asked my dp and he said an outright "nope" (incidentally he likes dogs and isn't allergic to them, if it was a westie advertised he would have snapped it up)

Why do I never get to have the final say in anything? Should I just get the dog and sod his opinion? I feel like if I back down it's like admitting my desires are silly fads which mean nothing and only his opinions are sensible, and matter. Aibu for feeling thwarted, or am I just a silly faddy woman?

no, don't get the dog

sounds like you have totally cyclical arguments

sit down and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel!

oh, and if you are both adults, then why do you need permission to paint your house or buy a plant?!

No to the dog.

That is too much of a major thing atm.

You need to be stronger and put things in the trolley and not ask!

If you like pickled beetroot then damn well have it!

If you like carrots and not broccoli then have the carrots.

Start small and build it up. Ask him about it!

Do you work? Does he think that if he earns the money he should decide how to spend it?

Hm I'm with your dp on the fake plant. fake plants? Why on earth would you want one?

IMO on the kitten, dog and fake plant he IS being pretty sensible.
But from your post it looks like he is a mega control freaky who can't stand any change or threats to his 'authority'. So you may have some fads but he is using them as an excuse to browbeat you into submission all the time.

You need to give him a kick up the bum - how did he come to start seeing himself as your lord and master?

Don't just buy the dog. It's a big decision and should be a joint one.

However, it's not good enough for him to just say 'nope' and that's the end of the matter. He is treating you like a child and all of these incidents sound more like father and child than two equal adults.

I must admit I would say no (and have done) to a dog but with anything else we compromise. That is life together, one big compromise.

Fake plants, they are great in the right setting and can save a lot of money. A friend has just bought two for her conservatory as her plants kept on dying (it was too hot for them). They are beautiful and look real.

I think you should sit him down and have a few words. I did this with my dh - he would ask me where I would like to go and then completely ignore my request. The following time he asked I asked him why he bothered. He did exactly the same thing - I showed him the error of his ways!! A quick grab of his bits between the legs often helps hehe!!!

Fake plant: because we kill all living plants every time we get one, and our house and garden is stark and I would like something other than plastic toys and magnolia walls for our little boy to look at occasionally. And I was buying it with my own money, not his. And it was £3.

But why is he being sensible by saying no to the dog? If we can afford to keep one, if ds would love one, if we are prepared to look after it etc, then why no? and why is it just up to him, a-fucking-gain?

It's not just about the dog, but I'm so frustrated about being told no all the time I could cry. I was always told no to things as a child too, but I did console myself that as an adult I'd be able to make my own decisions- Apparently not!

it should be a joint decision

looking after a dog is hard work, expensive - if you want to go away for the weekend you have to find a dog sitter/put it in kennels etc so i am with your DH on the pet issue

TBH, it sounds like you have bigger issues - so, sit down and tell him, not a load of loons (!) on the internet how you are feeling - your frustrations etc

I don't think it's fair being told you can or can't have things, not in the slightest, but why do you listen?

People like this can only get away with being control freaks if they person they are with allows them the control.

The dog thing I think is a Big Decision, but if you say he would've had it if it was another breed then I may have still gone ahead and got it, eg DP likes cats, we had one, he told me I couldn't have another, I wanted the one my friend was giving away, I went and got it, he loves her now, but if he hated cats I wouldn't have done it iyswim.

How was your weekend ruby?

It does sound like you need to sit down and have him really listen to you. Or write a letter to him - would he read it?

I think pets probably should be a joint decision because they can be expensive and a tie when you want to go on holiday etc.
Having said that, it's not at all right that he would have snapped up a Westie, while saying no to your chihuahua.

Re the fake plants or food in the trolley - just do it! There's nothing wrong with fake plants. If he says he doesn't like it, laugh and say you do or 'all the more for me'.
Don't let him control your choices. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Sorry if that's harsh.
He shouldn't have any say over what you eat or final say about how your house is decorated - that should be a compromise between two equal people.
Actually, he is a control freak, isn't he?

He probably believes your ideas are silly fads because he says no and you don't challenge him and pursue your desires.

Sounds like he has got into the habit of being in control and its hard to let go of the habit.
I agree not to start standing up for yourslef with getting a dog, thats a big one. Best to start with something smaller and build up.

Next time you go shopping and he says 'i dont like those, sorry' say 'oh, I know that, but I love them' and put them in the trolley.
Same with plants etc.

If he still says no then you need to have a good talk about it and ask him to explain why its a no and why he feels he can make all the decisions without discussion.

If he really doesnt get it and you need to clearly make your point to him, then when he next buys something just say 'oh god, we're not having that' and put it back on the shelf! It should make him see sense about how he behaves!

Yes but I might say yes to a collie or westie but not a chihauha (sp) because I find them really unattractive and a little Paris Hilton doggie is not the kind that my dp would be happy to be seen taking for walkies.

No that was too polite I think chihauhas are revolting, sorry.

I am wondering if its an assertiveness issue on your part? You need to start making him see that you should be included in the decision making processes and not just dismissed out of hand.

Sounds like you've allowed him to do this until it has become normal behaviour(I'm not excusing him btw, he is behaving like an arse). I'm assuming that your relationship was more balanced when you first got together?

You need to sort this out or it will get worse and worse and you end up being incapable of making a decision on your own. I think you need to take responsibility for decisions and not immediately give in as soon as he says 'no' to something. Demand a reason at least.

As for the dog, dogs and small children don't mix particularly and chihuahaus are notoriously yappy and snappy. Even the KC says they are not good with children.

have you not heard that that little quote:

"When I met Mr Right, I didn't realise his first name was Always....."

I wouldn't get the dog but next time you see something you wnant to eat buy it. You don't have to give him any do you?

The other thing about chihauhaus is the grooming if long-haired (must be done daily, eyes & mouth wiped, bum cleaned etc) and the health problems associated with the snub-nosed alien look of the breed. Helath probs equate to vets bill and vets bill are not cheap. Most vets charge around £25 - £50 just to look at your dog, treatment is extra.

The other thing about chihauhaus is the grooming if long-haired (must be done daily, eyes & mouth wiped, bum cleaned etc) and the health problems associated with the snub-nosed alien look of the breed. Helath probs equate to vets bill and vets bill are not cheap. Most vets charge around £25 - £50 just to look at your dog, treatment is extra.

Oops.

I'd say he has a right to say no to a dog or kitten, but only after giving reasonable reasons why. It's not fair of him to just say 'no'. As for the other stuff, you should be a bit more assertive. Rather than seeking his approval for things just say 'I'm getting one of these fake plants', that is if it's your money to spend.

Do you share one income or have you your own? Does he spend money on things you resent him buying and without consultation?

My DH is like this, and so is my Dad. I follow my Mum's advice which is probably very un-PC but works. I answer everything he says when he's laying down the law with 'Yes darling'. Then I wait a while - from 10 mins to 4 weeks depending on what it is - just long enough for me to be sure if I really want it myself (always pick my battles), and for him to have forgotten what he told me (usuallly happens). Then I do exactly whatever I wanted to do in the first place. 80% of the time it's unchallenged because he's forgotten saying he didn't want the fake chihuaha or whatever. 10% of the time he has a little grumble, 10% he tells me off properly (and is usually right on these 10% actually...). But this doesn't apply to shared responsibility things like pets - every member of the household has to be committed before you can get a pet.

my husband only says no and walks away if i'm genuninely asking because i half want something and half don't and he'll say yes or no only when he thinks it's a bad buy.

maybe your husband/dp actually thinks your asking him because you yourself don't know how you feel about something.

maybe you should say something like "i want this...what do you think?" if he doesn't agree ask him why...if you still want the item then tell him you want it and he should learn or be willing to compromise like you do.

also, regarding the patronising comment about fads, your an adult and your entitled to have your creativity flow so you can continue to grow as a mommy and a person. he has no right to put your whims down as 'fads' ...very destructive!

Yup. Agree with most other posters...

Just gush 'Ohhh, I think this is lovely/yummy' and put it in the trolley and walk on. No eye contact, no nothing.

But something more permanent like a dog/kitten etc you need to talk and agree first.

I'd definitely tackle the issue of him always having the final say, but not over the dog. Something like that is a joint decision and you said that you wanted a kitten- if you got the dog, it sounds like it would be more about rebellion that what you really want.

You need to talk to him. If you find it difficult to assert yourself with him, DESC can be helpful:

D = Describe the situation as you see it e.g. "You tell me 'no' whenever I suggest something I want to do/buy."
E = Explain how that makes you feel e.g. "I get so frustrated and feel like you don't have any respect for my opinions/decisions."
S = State what changes you'd like to happen e.g. "I would like you to respect my right to make decisions about our home etc."
C = Consequences i.e. what will happen if he doesn't change his behaviour. This doesn't mean it has to be an ultimatum. It could be "I will really start to resent you and that could seriously damage our relationship."

Every time he says no and you accept it, it just reinforces his belief that he has the final say.

go shopping without him and buy what you want. Not a dog though.

Don't ask him, tell him

lol, my dp would love this thread, i never ask him about anything untill its already done
on phone.....
"can dd1 have a rabbit?"
"no she has a dog and two cats what does she need a rabbit for?"
"i was hoping that you would say yes"
"why?"
"i just thought that would have said yes, dd what have i told you about pestering the bunny while its eating leave it alone"
"have you bought a rabbit?"
"its only a litle one, we tried to get a gerbil but they had none"

i actually agree on not getting the dog without discussing it first though. but i think your discussion should start with "i really want a dog or cat and unless you have a good reason why we shouldnt get one, then we are getting one!"

as far as shopping goes my dp does the opposite he asks if i like something and if i say no he doesnt get them...i am constantly following him around saying you get them if you like them though.

if he says no i dont like that just reply i do though you dont have to eat them and put them in the trolley.

it does sound like he has control issues but maybe he doesnt realise what he is doing sit down and talk to him about how you feel.