WWYD - would you be worried if you saw a vulnerable adult helping another vulnerable adult and if so would you step in?

[tellmetokeepmybeakout]

Long time lurker here… posting in AIBU for traffic.

Happy to be told to keep my beak out of this one but I can’t shake this feeling that someone needs help.

I have a acquaintance on Facebook (if you can call it that) who I used to be in school with. Never ever been in contact, we never spoke in school but it was an era where everyone added everyone on SM and I never changed anything on my account.

This woman has very severe autism - she speaks about it a lot - very lengthy posts about every thing she does in a day, from locations to her feelings, to struggles with autism, to mundane I went to do this today. You feel like you know everything about her even when you’ve never had a single conversation. From posts you know she has no immediate family, she lives independently (this may be relevant).

For some time now she’s spoken about how she became a carer for her grandparent who struggles with dementia, lots of posts about hospital visits and what his prognosis is, how the hospital was less than helpful etc. Today she posted how she moved in to help her GP.

Now on to why I’m worried - she’s now posted how DP has started being abusive, not maliciously it’s just what the illness is doing, he is making threats to injure her especially when helping with toileting / changing.

Now I can see this is a vulnerable adult trying to care for another vulnerable adult and since her posts are so detailed about everything that’s happening it’s quite clear she has no help from community nurses / social services.

WWYD - leave it be? Would you ask someone for a check in? If so who? I know what town she lives in but no address. Would you reach out and message to signpost?

I’d try to contact the local adult social services but I don’t know how much they’d be able to do. Are there any other relatives you could message?

If she posts on Facebook regularly, could you not respond to her post suggesting where she could go to get assistance with her caring duties?
Or, if you know her town, post links to these services so she doesn't even need to look these up?

That’s the problem, I know the town she lives in and her name. One of the reasons I’m torn if I should be meddling is that I have no other context for any LA. I couldn’t possibly answer any of their questions.

I could - just wonder if she would wonder who on earth I am!

Yes, if I had relevant knowledge I might well reach out to signpost, this would probably depend on the tone of her posts and whether she sounded as though she was struggling. I'd do this for anyone. I'm not sure her autism is relevant here. She might find day to day life harder, but it does sound as though she is managing. Only if you have evidence from her posts that her disability puts her GP at risk, and she is not willing to seek help, should you do anything without her consent.

Does that matter? I guess she might be less likely to accept suggestions from a "stranger", but better than not making the suggestions at all.

I mentioned the autism as she always speaks about how people don’t understand her and get upset with her because of the way she speaks / is. She documented getting frustrated with hospital staff too and some of the situations she describes she’s in with other people do sound like a mismatch on a social level. So in that sense whilst she’s not vulnerable in a physical way, it’s clear to see her perception of the world differs. I don’t want to copy & paste her posts in here but I think if people read them they’d know what I mean.

I am also no expert here - does anyone know where to signpost? What sort of extra help would be relevant for her? I don’t know if she can have community nurses coming to help or something, I don’t mean something surface level like a link to dementia website.

Can you respond on her social media? as it sounds like she uses it alot for social interaction. Id probably try and suggest a few resources there.
I dont know if Id be worried re the autism though, it sounds like she is able to function and it doesnt mean that she would be bad as a carer (anybody would struggle with a relative with dementia regardless of their own mental health).

It does sound like adult social care should be involved. They can carry out a carers assessment and connect them to the right support. No harm in sending her the phone number. You could also send info on local carer support networks. You could frame it as “my friend found these helpful when they were in a similar situation”.

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/

That sounds like something she's very aware of though. It might make her caring role harder but, unless I'm missing something, isn't a reason to go over her head.

Thats a fair point. I’ll PM her in the evening

Thank you

Why not a charity? I can understand link to general information would be really patronising and unhelpful, but many charities offer practical support.
Some suggestions:

1. Admiral Nurses https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/how-we-can-support-you/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=822734358&gbraid=0AAAAADkp3ndQy3iqrJe3isqAMelCauWUj&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_vnQBhCxARIsADcZyxInn0qHHu6ChV-MF9wBbWnnTOreD3c2Pyl2sE7hvD-P2UpflRKhd7saAg_5EALw_wcB
2. Services for carers. Crossroads in Kent is a fantastic organisation. They do seem to operate in other areas too though frustratingly seem to have separate websites, so you will need to Google "Crossroads" and your area.

https://www.crossroadskent.org/services

1. A carers assessment as suggested by a pp is an excellent idea. Carers UK offer info on this as well as other things e.g online meetups and info on tech https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/
2. It might be worth Googling "support for carers" and your area to find local organisations.
3. Also look up what Age UK does in your area. In some areas they offer home help, handyman services and even day centres for dementia sufferers
4. Mind also offer services for dementia sufferers in some areas, though not sure how common this is.
5. Your local council should have an OT service. They can do a home visit to ensure they have all the equipment they need which might help with e.g. toileting. I'd be particularly concerned if she is having to lift him as this can often be unsafe.
6. There are also some council run day centres, although I think many of these have closed.