AIBU to feel exhausted by my mum refusing help and complaining

[coffeandtoastinthemorning]

NC as this is identifiable and I also asked chatgpt to shorten my post because it would have taken 3 solid days to read it.

My mum is nearly 75, lives alone and is generally healthy apart from osteoporosis. She has a very active social life, volunteers a lot, and has a long-standing habit of offering to help people, then complaining about it afterwards.

We aren't particularly close, but she's my only family. I make an effort to call and text regularly, although she rarely contacts me first.

My issue is that she repeatedly ignores medical advice, refuses help, then complains endlessly about the consequences.

She fell in early May but didn't tell me for several days. Despite ongoing pain and her osteoporosis, she refused to contact the GP, saying she'd "heal in her own time".

Weeks later she was in severe pain and eventually went to A&E, where she was diagnosed with a fractured vertebra.

Throughout the whole process she refused obvious help. She wouldn't ask for pain relief despite complaining constantly about pain. She accepted medication she already knew made her sick, then complained it made her sick. She drove herself home from hospital despite my offering alternatives. When the pain worsened, she didn't contact her GP for days and instead just complained about it.

This isn't new behaviour. Years ago she walked around on a broken ankle insisting it was only a sprain.

Her friends are contacting me saying she's struggling and asking when I'll be caring for her. Yet when I saw her yesterday she was up, mobile and cooking a full roast dinner.

She's been given stronger medication but, again, it's making her sick and she's complaining rather than contacting the GP as instructed.

I know she's injured, but I'm finding the constant cycle of refusing help, ignoring advice and then complaining absolutely exhausting.

How do you deal with an someone who seems determined not to help themselves?

She’s frightened of being vulnerable, frightened of being dependant, frightened of things deteriorating for her. She likes to be the giver, not the receiver. Perhaps she didn’t have a nurturing mother, and was taught early to get on with it on her own. As she ages, you could try being more affectionate, give her a hug and say ‘ I worry about you not asking for help! ‘ and activate her ‘ helping’ pattern by asking her to help you not to worry about her.

Agree with PP. In the early days of caring for my DM I found she was more responsive if I asked her to comply for MY peace of mind to save me worrying about her. Friends reinforced that message which helped enormously.

I can recommend joining the Elderly Parents board on MN for advice from people in a similar situation.

Mine is very similar and I’ve reduced contact for several reasons but the endless moaning but refusal to help herself or make sensible decisions and the emotional blackmail attempts at attention seeking.

I agree she might be feeling vulnerable and fear of deteriorating and she is very independent since my dad died 20 years ago.

Me and her aren't close, I moved out at her request 19 years ago within a year of my dad being dead. I haven't really been included in her life so whilst I do care about her, I won't be taking ownership of every consequence of her decisions.

I certainly don't want her neighbours, friends and church to assume because I am her daughter that I will be taking responsibility for her.

I will read the elderly parents forum xx

She has agency and can and is making her own decisions (and if they are bad ones, she is still entitled to make them). It is not your responsibility to sort things out, you need to set your boundaries and decide how much help you can and will give. Of course be sympathetic, help where you can etc. Ignore people trying to guilt you, it’s not their business.

I know it's terrible to say but, my grandma lived until she was in her late 90's and I cannot go through this with her for 20+ years.

Her behaviour in A&E was embarrassing, a prisoner came in handcuffed to a guard and my mum was saying loud enough for them to hear "well i'll just need to be a druggie or be in prison to be seen"

I told her to be quiet, different consultants are responsible for different things.

She was complaining she needed the toilet and couldn't manage the walk, so I offered to get her a chair and wheel her and she refused then continued to complain about needing to go before making the 15 steps to the toilet and making sure she was being noticed by reception and other people waiting to be seen.

What's even more bizarre is - she text me in the morning at 8:45am to say she was calling the doctor, then radio silence for hours despite me trying to contact her (I was at work and couldn't just go over) then eventually at 2:45 she gets back in contact to say she couldn't get the doctors, no appointments left and had been driving around all morning trying to locate her dog groomers new studio!!

I told her to get to A&E and then what actually transpired is, the doctors was an automated message and she hadn't bothered to try the general line to speak to reception.

It all feels so unnecessary and avoidable if she'd use her common sense and I feel like I am more invested in trying to find a solution. She is the least pro-active person in the scenario.