Confused by nursery mum’s socialising

[Babybb1122]

Recently at nursery functions/ birthdays I’ve noticed a group of mums seem to look nervous and stand in the complete opposite end of the room to me. I hadn’t really gone to any functions before this as he was younger but now he’s 3 there are more birthday parties. Etc. but I’ve always been friendly/ smiley and polite chat. When these mums do talk to me they go on about infections or bugs their kids have caught - Like a lot - it seems to be the only thing they ever actually talk to me about. Some mums completely look and walk away when they see me. Mums who I’ve never even had a conversation with before. I suspect it is related to one particular mum because she seems to be the only one connected to all of these mums (and really goes on about her children catching things when she talks to me).

So initially I think that’s fine can’t be liked by everyone and maybe they’re tired/ stressed etc. but then I found out from a mum maybe accidentally mentioning there’s a WhatsApp group, which I’m not part of and they’ve all seemed to have formed their own groups. Again, it’s hard not to be able to make friends and have play dates, but if they’re just not interested then that’s ok.

My paranoia is why they seem to physically back away like I have some sort of infectious disease. I’m paranoid they think we are dirty/ill (we are not). I now get worried any illness my son has or any rashes (he’s prone to eczema) will get a reaction from these mums. If anything, my son catches lots of things from the nursery but I don’t blame any of them (if that’s what this is about).

also I don’t understand why I’m being invited to these birthday parties if they are so worried (every kid in the group is invited so maybe they don’t want to be seen purposely rude).

For context my 3 year old has been going to this nursery since he was 1. Staff say he has no problems and is popular (personally I think he’s a very sweet boy). I’m not from the UK. I look a bit different I have obvious cancer scars, I’m ethnically Asian but grew up in a western country, I wondered if it was a racial thing but surely not as it’s London. My husband who is English thinks I’m over thinking it and don’t understand the culture. He may very well be right, but I can’t shake the feeling of my experience.

Am I being weirdly paranoid for no reason? So would be grateful if I could have a diverse view from experienced mums. I just really want to understand what is going on (if anything)

Of course some may already be friends and know each other well, this can be standard for pre school and primary schools. We never experienced it at private nursery (under 3) though, everyone drops off and picks up at different times due to their work patterns so connections aren't made as much, compared to a pre school or primary where all the children start and finish at same time.

But the walking away seems very strange. When your DH taken your child to any parties, and how have they been towards him?

it is that they seem nervous and walk away makes me bit anxious like what’s wrong with me….We tend to go to these events together and he does comment how he does have to be the one to make an effort to talk otherwise they just ignore him. But to him it’s just like you said maybe they already have their own groups?
To be fair there are mums/dads who are nice and chatty. Just this particular group.

Irrational as it may seem- sometimes when we inwardly fixate on something, our minds then gather evidence to support the theory.

the subconscious mind will gather evidence to support what it believes to be true.

if people only talk to you about diseases and infections- could it be because you are focused on such things?

it’s difficult to articulate, but one example is if you are frightened of seeing 666 because you believe it’s a bad omen you might suddenly notice 666 everywhere you look. Because your subconscious is filtering it. It’s there anyway but you don’t notice it if you’re not fixated on it.

I don't think you're being paranoid. Sometimes your instincts are right that you are getting bad vibes from people.
My dc are adults now, but mixing with other parents can sometimes be a minefield. I remember it well and am glad to be out of it. I do have a small number of good friends from that time. I hope you're able to find a couple of nice ones to concentrate on.
I remember getting vibes that two mums had been bitching about me. The fact is we had nothing in common other than our kids and they just weren't nice people.
I remember people being paranoid about their child catching something and blaming people. It's probably something like that. Not sure whether there's a racial element. Could be. I hope you find better people to focus on.

If I were you I'd act like I don't notice or care and hang out with nicer ones. They'll probably get bored of it if they can see it's not bothering you. Some people don't progress past the maturity of a 14 year old

They sound like rude arseholes, I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a racial element, in the context of today’s Britain, but I note you mentioned ‘visible cancer scars’ - could it be that, if they aren’t very bright, they are mistaking these for some sort of skin infection, to prompt the comments you’ve noted? Not that that would excuse them, but could it be some sort of explanation? Either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about not being part of a group which contains people like these.

I hadn't thought of that, but it's a good point. They sound dim if so and best ignored.
I remember being upset as I'd never had problems getting on with people my whole life, but then was suddenly thrown together with a small minority of unpleasant people after I had kids. I'm sure it's not you but them.

You say that you have obvious cancer scars - where are they and has anyone mentioned them.

Do you send your child to nursery when they are unwell? E.g. with a snotty nose, cough, rash or within 48hrs of vomitting.

If they've picked up on your child being unwell at nursery maybe they're subtly (or not so subtly) trying to tell you to keep him at home if unwell because it's spreading to everyone else.

Thanks @OhGoshNotAgain . I thought maybe this could be it as well although it would be strange to correlate what are clearly surgical scars with skin infection.

Thanks @SusieSussex ! Your comment made me feel slightly less insane :)

In my neck - visible. No one has mentioned anything I wish someone had so I can understand or clarify

Never underestimate the depth of people’s ignorance! I am shocked at the stupidity I read on line every day.

Please don’t spend your valuable time wondering about them any more - I just think they are rude and/or stupid, so not people you’d want to be among.

I’m wary of keeping him home when he’s ill as there is a child in the nursery with an older sibling going through chemotherapy. Having said that when he’s recovered but still with a snotty nose I will send him back.
the rash thing is more related to his allergies/eczema, they appear out of no where and quickly disappear. I’ve been called to collect him because of suspected chicken pox but as soon as I got there it disappeared. But I wouldn’t put him in nursery if he had an infectious rash.

Agree with all this

I don’t see why you’d give it a second thought. Just hang out with the nicer, less twitchy ones who aren’t obsessed by their children catching rabies off a fellow-toddler’s bite or whatever.

I asked because I have similar myself and people do look - I said as casually as I could manage “I couldn’t help noticing you noticing- I’ve had a health scare and had a procedure recently but all good now” - that is definitely an ice breaker

I had a scar on my neck from thyroid removal due to cancer. Someone thought I'd tried to slit my throat! 🙄 Could a foolish member of the WhatsApp group have suggested this to the others?

That’s terrible I’m sorry that happened to you! I had lymph nodes removed, and I would be more than happy to clarify if something silly like that was mentioned. But no one has said anything to me and I’m not part of the WhatsApp group :(

I think you are being paranoid, sorry, unfortunately infection chat is considered small talk at nursery age.

It's a lot more likely that they have a group because they have older siblings who have already been through the nursery and they know each other from that, or they go to the same swim lessons or something.

Having children isn't like the first day at uni, where everyone is in the same boat and casting about for friends, people mostly settle into friendships and walk towards the person they know best. Almost everyone is a bit socially awkward in this way, it's not personal.

Instead try to make one or two closer bonds, does your DC have any particular friends? Do you see any of the other kids at any activities?