Did I overreact?

[Ethellee]

Last weekend was 100th birthday party for my great-aunt and I was supposed to be going with DP, DS5, DSD13, and DSs10 and 11.

On the ninety minute drive, SDC were whining, shouting and fighting so much I had to stop the car and tell them off twice. DP was occasionally shouting at them but also listening to a podcast. On the third occasion I stopped the car (because blood had been drawn), I turned around and drove them all home.

DS and I had a really good time. We got home last night and DP is accusing me of overreacting.

AIBU?

YANBU, and I bet the step kids weren’t even bothered

YANBU.

And as an aside, surely whoever is not driving is the one who needs to be dealing with any issues with children, not listening to a podcast and ignoring it all!

Absolutely! How unsafe leaving the driver to deal with the fallout!!

You 100% did the right thing.

One of my line managers years ago told me she stopped the car and made her three teens get out and walk the two miles home when they were fighting each other. She said they were stunned that she drove off and left them and contrite when they got back home. It was in broad daylight, good weather and they knew where they were, but she said her sister was horrified.

She told me that they never kicked off in the car again and she thought it was one of her best parenting decisions.

OP, tell DH that if he expects his DC to attend family gatherings in future they need to behave.

I had suggested they stay home but they wanted to come and so did DP.

Their behaviour is really horrible at the moment and I was anxious about them showing me up at the party, so was relieved to drop them home instead.

I bet the great aunt was though, and whoever organised the party and then had four no-shows! (if I have understood the confusing post). Pandering to bad behaviour does the DC no good, or anyone else affected.

Get these kids away from your own before he picks up their behaviour. Of course you made the right decision.

Stopping them from coming isn’t pandering to them. And someone celebrating a 100th birthday won’t be arsed that her great nieces step kids didn’t come after endangering everyone’s lives on the way there.

Absolutely the right call. Is DP always this crap at parenting?

No you didn't overreact. What they were doing was dangerously distracting for the driver. No way would I tolerate anything like that if I was driving.

There have been two occasions when I have stopped the car like you did. One was when I was taking dc, their friend, their friend's brother & mum out for the day. I pulled off the motorway, found a small side street and pulled over. Told them we were not going to X place if that continued, and either they stop it or we go home. They stopped.

The other was driving home after an evening out with friends, and they were being raucous. My friend's DH in the front passenger seat was by far the worst. I slammed the brakes on and demanded that he got out and effing well walked home. He was gobsmacked, but did as he was told.😂

100% right call. I'd do the same with my own children if the start and have been known to turn the car around before. I think only once have I actually gone home and stopped going to whereever it was. Usually the turn round was enough for me DC to know I was being serious.

90 minute drive, no idea how long you'd gotten into the journey before turning around but if its a few minutes, fine, if you'd already been going half an hour or so and then turning back, like... what's the point, just to turn back around and get the others there?

Also... Step children don't seem to be old enough to be left alone so presumably had someone at home who could supervise them?

dad should have had some input instead of leaving it to the driver but quite honestly sounds like you'd reached a limit and overreacted.

She left the dad with them, who couldn’t be arsed parenting them in the car

Their behaviour has got a lot worse over the years, apparently it’s much worse at their mum’s and at school and they’re only with us every other weekend and for some of the school holidays. DP does some discipline but he says he doesn’t want to spend his limited time with them telling them off. The only way to ensure peace is to fully separate the boys.

Individally they’re nice DSC, but together they’re not. My opinion is that they’re crying out for individual adult attention, but the way they act is making me want to spend as little time with them all possible.

Maybe he should try having his kids more rather than being a very part time parent and then using it as an excuse to not actually parent them. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

It’s not making me very enamoured with him either!

Is your son his child?

Yes and when DSC aren’t around he’s a good dad and partner. When DSC are here it’s exhausting trying to keep them entertained, separated and not at each other’s throats.

I have considered moving out but I do love DP, and it'd mean DS has to go between houses too, and DP would probably want them all at the same time so they could keep a relationship. He’d also probably want 50/50 and maybe selfishly I don’t want to lose half my time with DS.

Yanbu, it also shows your own D's that you won't tolerate poor behaviour.

Long term you need to resolve this though or it'll cost your relationship.

I don’t think it’s up to me, a stepparent who sees them two days a fortnight, to manage, plan or implement good discipline. If their own parents won’t, then I will continue to limit the time I spend with them.

If you have a car each you take ds and he takes his.. Meet at venue...
He can manage their behaviour alone.

What did your aunt say about them not being there?

I think that’s a waste of a half a tank of petrol, and, if they arrived having spent an hour tearing chunks out of each other, they’d probably be badly behaved at the venue too.

If they can’t behave and DP can’t/won’t make them I’d rather just not be around them.

She didn’t notice. It was a big party and she’s only met them a couple of times.