To think most people don’t listen to understand, they listen to reply?

[ConversationalEgo]

We’re trained to win conversations, not connect in them.

Most people, yes.

In my experience they just don’t listen, they’re waiting for you to stop talking so they can say something.

I hear you.😆

You are so right.

Never underestimate the value of really listening. People will feel understood and valued.

Charismatic people make you feel special, rather than them feeling special, and listening is a really important part of that.

Yes, I often tell my husband to listen to what I am saying rather than just wait for me to finish.

That's a very good way of putting it, "listen to reply". Also - I find an awful lot of people actually don't listen, or converse at all really. It seems to be getting worse ... or maybe I notice it more as I get older and grumpier.

Absolutely. I think, it's because our society places so much value on being extroverted so people worry about their voice not being heard enough. Especially at work if you aren't heard you aren't seen and if you don't keep talking people think you are unengaged and disinterested.

I agree mostly, but sometimes people are just talkers and they use you to process their day so to speak.

I have a friend like this and she relates everything that happens during the day to me (mostly involving people I don’t know/work situations I have zero experience of). She doesn’t actually need or really want a reply, she needs to say it iyswim, to get it out. It’s a download and it’s her way of processing the day. It took me a few years to understand this though.

Sounds exactly like something AI would write after being prompted ‘’make me sound deep on LinkedIn”.

Not read the thread but ...

Only joking. I think you are right, certainly with most conversations on MN, but also with quite a lot of conversations in real life.

Not all, though. I don't find it an uncommon experience to be properly listened to. Maybe not in the 'deep' way that (e.g.) good therapists are trained in. But still well enough.

I'm very guilty of rushing towards the reply myself. Sometimes, especially online, it is because of the impulse to 'win' or perform being right. But often it is just a kind of people-pleasing anxiety: I feel that the other person 'needs' me to reply in certain ways and/or will judge me negatively unless I make a certain performance.

Of course, that is not really 'people pleasing' at all (in that it is probably experienced by the other person as frustrating and shallow). It is just a projection of my own insecurities and illusions into the conversation.

Really deep listening is HARD.

Possibly. Though the irony of dismissing a point by commenting on how it sounds rather than whether it’s true isn’t lost on me.

I think I'm similar.
Never diagnosed but definitely feel I am autistic, and I feel like a struggle with saying 'the right thing', and that my responses often aren't the correct ones. Therefore I think really hard about my replies and rehearse in my head to try to get them to be 'normal', it's definitely not automatic, and I have to strongly self censor from what I actually want to say, which takes a lot of concentration.

But as you say, this may lead to poorer rather than better responses as reduced focus on what other person is saying.

True- delivery isn’t the same as validity.
I just think phrases like that get repeated so often online that they can sound profound without actually saying much new.

I find this is why social media is quite harming because it's making a lot of people self centered.. People who sit on live all day, not really reading the comments but being able to just talk about themselves.
It's all me me me, what about me though! Enough about you, let's get back to me.
It's draining and people are forgetting how to have a 2 way conversation.

When I was young I would listen to understand but when I struggled to reply immediately, I’d panic and conversations were really hard for me, I made very few friends. So I taught myself to listen to reply, and made more friends that way.
Now I’m older, it depends on who I’m having a conversation with and whether it is a person I care for, or just chat.

Conversation is a skill and needs to be learnt.

We’re not trained, it’s human nature

usually in leadership development etc you are trained out of it.

I sometimes think ideas become clichés precisely because they’re true. Most people would probably say they listen to understand but I’m not sure their behaviour always reflects that.

I don't think necessarily to win conversations, though I agree with you about listening so you can reply.

It's just pure bloody selfishness. They have no problem listening to their boss or the sports results or the office gossip. But when it comes down to it, people take from conversations, rarely give. Listening is an art form. People who can do it are rare I think. You need to be genuinely interested in the other person's story or opinion. You need to WANT to hear what they have to say.

Say whaaaat now? Did you give AI the prompt Make me sound glibly scathing on MN?

I had this with family very recently - they weren't taking on board any new information from HCP or me dealing with fall out situation or ill person because they had their preconceived ideas and were just waiting to spew them forth. No wonder HCP seem to prefer to deal with me.

They also came accross as very rude - they actually told me off for saying thank you to someone doing their job but were still be very helpful. It was frankly draininga nd frustating all round.

I also had to tell one family member to e-mail rather than ring call center because they insisted of going through the large irrelvant pre histroy to the situation which was confusing and irrelevant and obscure the actual current problem. They did that and it was sorted immediately probably becuase it was easier to read and dicount the 80% complete irrelvant parts.

I have found DH doing this to kids and me making some point that's completely irrelvant and shows he not been following conversation I do want him to get his hearing checked - though suspect it's just him not paying attention.

I've also learnt in last few years to be less flexible with plans and appointments - if you say you absolutely can't do a date that will be one offered - but if they can't accomodate your preference they tend to be more helpful finding a multual time.

I once worked with someone who only 'listened' so she could catch her breath and power up for another session of transmitting.

Agree @ConversationalEgo . A good listener is a person worth treasuring.

There is a saying that when you're talking, you're not learning. So learn to shut up!

The worst thing is when people jump in with their two pence without letting you make your point. I have a friend who jumps in before the punch line. So annoying!

A while back, I was out in the country with the dog when a group of DC, and a few feet behind them three or four adults, were coming towards me down a narrow path. My dog is funny with other dogs, and I couldn't see if they'd got a dog with them so I asked the first little boy. He replied, "No, we don't have a dog - we have cousins!"
I thought this was funny, so when the adults came level with me, I told them I'd asked their little boy if they have a dog with them (and why) and he replied--
Except the first woman interrupted and went on about how they'd been thinking about getting a dog and blah blah etc :(
So weird. It's not often strangers are laughing and want to tell you why. Why not let them finish?

Mil does this - I can tell she’s not listening and is just thinking about what she’s going to say next. Then a few weeks later, she will have no recollection of the conversation/information and flatly deny that we told her anything. Or she will say she is getting dementia, when actually it’s just that she doesn’t listen.