Midlife marriage

[Macmeme]

To ask about your midlife marriagebwobbles/divorces? Reasons for, how it went? Did it work out better?

My situation:
2 boys 12 and 14, married (15 years, together 19 years).
Im 43- definite symptoms of perimenopause- on the pill to 'manage' these. Life is comfortable, income
Ok. Last couple of years (last year especially since youngest in secondary school) things have become 'easier', have more free time, can leave children at home for an hour or two but they dont want to spend much time witus- all quite normal i think. Really enjoyed this at the beginning. But now it means spending more time with DH I'm questioning our relationship. We have things in common- we like playing a couple of sport, running, outdoor swimming, going for walks etx and we do all these things together as and when tine allows.

We' re in the process of moving house- bigger more expensive place- current place i could buy him out and run on my own- new place - not so much.

In the lats few years my libido has veen all over the place - higher than ever at times and we have probably had more sex than ever.

Last couple of years I have had a crushe(think teenage style) on a couple of men- one a colleague (lasted a while but got over it and nothing said out loud or acted on). Now I have developed another one on a parent in a wider circle i see once a week- looking back this man obviously arrived in said circle a year or so ago and has been making some effort with me- i drop husbands name into most conversations. But I seem to have developed a crush on this guy, who is quite different physically and personality wise than husband.

On the day to day we get along well, we do spend quality (ish) time together. We have built a really nice life together- ae get along wth each others family, friemds, have friends together, we both have time to do things separately. On the face of it its all fine. I do feel like we have slightly different aspirations and soemtimes think it would be nice to have a partner who shares these.

Nothing about me wants to act on my crush and I know in time it will pass if I dont feed it....

Im just finding the things I liked about husband are now quite irritating and juvenile- which when we first got together I found funny/endearing, then weve been too busy powering through parenting to notice etc. Think i might just be having a wobble because of everything (more time, upcoming house move) etc. But can I hear your stories about mid life relationship divorces/separatations
s/pulling throigh these stages etc please?

Yabu- youre over thinking this and its a non issue
Yanbu- had this and here's my experience of it

Thankyou

Why do you need a bigger place? That would be my first question I think. You're a few years off needing less space, not more. Is this all escalating from feeling financially trapped?

I was going to ask similar to PP, whose idea is it to move to a bigger property? If not you, that could be the start of your wobble and wandering eye.

I have wobbles. Probably once a year or once every 2 years. So far, I have not acted on them. At the moment, we are going through a really good phase and getting on well together and last night he told me he loves me. At Easter, I thought he hated me and I was just about ready to throw in the towel.

Right now, because things are good, I'm very glad I stuck out the low times. But I do think every time there's a bad phase, it gets harder not to do something about it.

I do have to stop myself and think that on the whole, he is one of the good ones and that in general my life is better with him in it than alone. It's easy on social media and MN to be influenced by the "all men are bastards" sentiment, so I need to temper that.

It sounds like you actually have a lot in common with your husband, and there is a really solid foundation to your life together. Maybe try looking for the positives in your relationship and consider the negatives of leaving. It's easy when times are tough to only focus on his downsides and what you think the positives will be of being on your own.

Also, look at proper MHT/HRT.

But, if after reflection on the full picture, both good and bad of staying vs leaving you think life will be better for you to be single and on your own (not in some fantasy relationship with your latest crush), then by all means end your marriage. You only get one shot at life.

I ended my marriage a couple of years ago now. We had grown up together, got together very young, 3 kids. Lots of ups and downs. Towards the end I had come to realise that we wanted completely different things. I love friends art theatre cinema holidays he just wanted to go and be on his own somewhere. He was also very grumpy to live with because he wasn't happy with the way his life had turned out. I had worked hard for a professional job and was supporting the family whilst living with a miserable git.

It was very difficult actually to make the plunge and break up the marriage but there was no one else involved and because of that I think it all went as well as it possibly could. He has now left the country and so contributes nothing towards our youngest son who is a teenager now. I didn't really expect that I thought we would share parenting but I bought him out of the house and couldn't be happier really.

I did go on the dreaded apps and very luckily for me I met someone my own age who loves all the things that I love to do he really is the nicest guy we are very happily in love and although we can't spend a lot of time together at the moment once my youngest has gone to university we will be able to spend more time together. At the moment we mainly date in the week and spend a night of the weekend at his.

I am not sure I have had wobbles. Periods of times when my sex drive was lower and we’d only have sex once a week, for sure but I have never actively had a crush on someone else. Objectively I recognise people are good looking of course but never in a second thought kind of way.

Strangely we have absolutely nothing in common, except the gym and a love of walking. Music tastes different, no shared hobbies, no favourite shows. I am
very quiet, academic, introverted (very much a bit of a geek at school). My husband is loud, life of the party, not academic at all (very much popular boy class clown at school). We must balance each other out because on paper it shouldn’t work at all.

Thank you all for your replies. First 2 posters. We have outgrown this house really- it was meant to be our 5 year house and has ended up being a 10 year house. I wfh 3 days a week and currently do this in living room/ kitchen. New house has a dedicated workspace and also nicer/ quieter area so the move is overdue.

Yes I think its just a wobble. I think ive got doubts (i have spoken to husband about stress about this). Because im stressed he's annoying me and crush man is a being nice and pleasant and appearing the opposite to husband is maybe making it more appealing x

We tell each other we love each other daily. Theres no real problem I guess just questioning my life choices on a quiet Sunday x