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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to stop contact arrangements through his mother after lies?

10 replies

Anonymous23458d · 31/05/2026 19:40

Advice please. Following on from my previous post. I won't go into specifics but husband was arrested on Thursday. I called the police as he slapped me forcefully 3 times after I went to slap him. Yes I did react but there has been a history of emotional and now financial abuse.
He is on bail conditions not to contact me or come to our house.
We have 2 kids together so to arrange child contact it has to be done through his mother.
She is not a great person to communicate to. Likes to drink alot and forgetful.
They normally go to her house for tea on a Sunday, which was tonight & ex husband is now living with her. I arranged to drop them off, I thought they would be staying there and it was his brother who came out to get the kids from my car. They are only 1 & 4 and dont really know him so were worried about going with him so it was quite distressing leaving them. I told them id collect them at 6.30.
15 minutes before that time I text his mum to say I was setting off and she rang me to say they are not here. I said where are they she said 'gone to so & so's, I think'
I said i was not told of that and you know how i feel about him. He had gone to friends house with the children who has been sectioned a number of times in the past few years. He now lives with his mum and thats who's house they'd gone to. I do not like this friend who's house he goes to. As I say he in mentally not sane and on medication and last time my ex went out with him last week and our 1 year old, my ex lost our babies pram and everything in it. God knows how. He has no recollection of it.
I said to her you did not make me aware of this I am due to pick them up now. I was so angry.
She rang me back 5 minutes later and she didnt know i had answered. I could hear her saying ' ill tell her at they are at the park to make her feel better'
I was fuming
She came on the phone and said 'oh they're just at the park can you come at 6.45'
I said ive just heard you why are you lying to me about where my children are!
She pretended to act innocent and put the phone down on me.
I got in my car and drove down to the house the brother answered and said ' hes getting them changed' they had clearly just got in from somewhere.
I said i need to speak to ur mum she denied it all and started screaming at me and saying she never said that and that they haven't been to '' house they had been to the park.
On the way home my 4 year old son told me they did indeed go to that house and had their tea there.

I feel so hurt and lied to and like I cant trust any of them. I dont want to stop my ex seeing the children. The children do love him and i could never stop them from seeing him. But I can't carry on like this. I dont want them going to that house and how can I trust where she says they are??

OP posts:
Evaka · 31/05/2026 19:44

This all sounds horrendous for the children. I'm not sure you can dictate where the kids are when in his care unfortunately, unless it's with someone known to be dangerous.

shellyleppard · 31/05/2026 19:46

Supervised contact at a centre. If your ex is going to mess around then its the only way. Hugs OP x

Stoicandhappy · 31/05/2026 19:50

You need to use a contact centre. This sounds dreadfully unsafe.

DavidStopActingLikeADisgruntledPelican · 31/05/2026 19:50

You need to make safer, more structured arrangements for contact going forward, through family court ideally as there has been domestic abuse. Granny has a drinking problem and she lies to you because, ultimately, she’s all about her son and what is in his best interests not yours (or what she sees as yours). So she was never going to be a trustworthy person to supervise contact. You need legal advice and in the meantime, I wouldn’t be arranging any contact at all between the children and their father as he sounds like a total liability.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/05/2026 19:51

Unfortunately they are his children too so he can take them to places without your approval. I’m not justifying his behaviour, he sounds like a waster, at the end of the day he is their father and unless he isn’t allowed see them through the courts he can do what he pleases as long as he’s not endangering them and even then it is a wide spectrum in the sense of abuse.
You picked him and you’ll be connected with him for the next 15 years, get a proper court order and access arrangements in place.
Don’t use his DM. Communicate through text messages only with him.

Anonymous23458d · 31/05/2026 19:59

@EmeraldShamrock000 I cannot communicate with him anyway through his bail conditions.
I just do not want him taking them to that mans house. Surely I should have a right to know where my children are? If I believe them to be going to his mums for tea surely that should happen? Or i atleast shouldn't be lied to?
Is there not some way I can make sure that happens.

OP posts:
Stoicandhappy · 31/05/2026 20:03

No. Legally he has the same rights to make decisions about where the children are as you do.

If he can’t be trusted then given his bail conditions I would seek an order insisting on contact centre. Otherwise you are exposing your DC to whatever he deems appropriate.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/05/2026 20:05

Anonymous23458d · 31/05/2026 19:59

@EmeraldShamrock000 I cannot communicate with him anyway through his bail conditions.
I just do not want him taking them to that mans house. Surely I should have a right to know where my children are? If I believe them to be going to his mums for tea surely that should happen? Or i atleast shouldn't be lied to?
Is there not some way I can make sure that happens.

Unfortunately not, maybe for the moment, stop the visits for now, see if he applies for access through his courts. If he does, you might be able to get a contact centre short term but judges don’t care if he was abusive to you, if he’s no history of abusing the children, he will get access, once he has access he can do as he pleases within reason, same way you won’t need his approval to take them places.
I have a few friends who had children with absolute dick-heads who were abusive and use the children in court, they have to hand them over for the visitation. I know you can’t turn back time but that’s why it’s important not to pick a fuck wit.
You’ll need to find a mediator, not his mother for future arrangements. Hopefully he doesn’t bother applying for access.

Anonymous23458d · 31/05/2026 20:13

The days the children used to go to his mums on a Sunday and Thursday to me were the only few hours of respite I got. I used to look forward to them so now they are being taken away and I'll have to stop it I actually feel hopeless. I have no other support and they are with me fulltime. I just feel like I cant cope anymore

OP posts:
Sunnydaysarehereagain2026 · 31/05/2026 21:06

Did they have a buggy or car seats? Until he convinces a judge he isn't a violent thug he wouldn't be seeing my dc..
My exh did NOT get access to our older dc...

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