Ex husband is fun dad

[Flowerpowerz]

Hello, we are currently finalising our divorce. He had been having an “emotional affair” for best part of a year in secret. Think daily texts, emojis and secret meetings. He is still in denial that he’s done anything wrong. He has done similar previously. He’s also horrendous with money. overspends and tells fibs.

i ended it. He’s moving to a rental soon.

weve told kids all at primary school that we are best as friends.

my issue is, it’s completely his fault, I’ve had to keep my reason why a secret to protect the kids. He’s left me in financial shit. For years I’ve managed the house and sorted the kids. I can count on one hand how many times he’s done homework or cleaned. He has to be reminded about jobs almost every time.

and yet somehow he comes on top. He’s fun dad, the one that won’t clean but never mind because we can play! The kids like him as he’s fun, reckless with money, never does homework or chores etc. he’s extremely immature and is happy to sit and watch kids tv for hours. Or computer games.

i think they might prefer him to me for that reason! And it’s so upsetting after his recent actions.

do they EVER appreciate the “bad cop” parent ? Or do they always prefer the fun one? I’m hoping I might be a bit more fun once he is out of my life.

They might not appreciate it, but it is you who will raise them into responsible adults who can function in society. And what greater gift can you give them.

They literally all pull this shit. Bide your time. It will soon wear thin. He's showing off for his affair partner. It's the 'dog with two dicks' phase. You will be so relieved to be shot of him. He sounds awful.

They will come to understand this as they get older, for now, try not to focus on it, you will come to accept it. You are parenting, and that is cricitical to growing healthy children, you're doing the right thing

I hope you are right. This last push is exhausting.

I suspect he will be a lot less fun when he has to manage them alone for extended periods of time. Have you discussed how they will split their time between you? Wait until he has to look after them for weeks at a time in the school holidays or get them all up, dressed, fed & ready for school on his own!

You are being the responsible parent but don't forget to have fun with them too - don't fall into the trap of feeling like you have to be the strict one to offset his lax parenting. Let your hair down and have fun with them and be silly sometimes, put music on and have a dance party, make popcorn and snuggle up under a blanket together for movie afternoons, lay down a blanket and have a carpet picnic for tea. You don't always have to be the strict one.

If you are the parent who is consistently there for them and shows up to cheer them on, that's what they will remember.

It’s all a long game of chess OP.
Let him crack on.
You're the one that will provide the boundaries that will make them feel safe and loved. You’re the one that is making them eat the veg and doing the homework.
Your children will notice this more and more as they get older, they will appreciate it and you.
You are doing the right things. You need to have some fun too though, make a bit of time for it.

I have a note saved on my phone- I’m not the ‘fun’ parent, I’m the ‘make you into a decent human being’ parent. I look at it often and it helps me breathe easier x

I have a couple of friends who were in that situation, but as the kids got older they definitely appreciated the sensible, organised, present mum who knows where things are and helps with the homework and makes sure they have clean uniform, the right kit, are in the place at the right time …
It won’t take long before his unreliability wears thin. When they realise his ‘fun’ is actually him not being arsed to take care of their needs. When they don’t trust him to take care of them for the important things.

There is the slight chance he’ll wise up and grow up a bit, but it’s not happened for my friends… and their teens have voted with their feet as dad puts yet another woman/ hobby/ work thing before the kids needs

And if it’s any consolation ALL the other parents / mutual friends think the mum is ace and the dads are pricks.

I had a hard working Mum and a fun Dad. It didn’t take long for me and my siblings to realise everything we had and how good our life was, was all because of our Mum. As adults none of us go out of our way to see him (wouldn’t avoid him in the street but won’t make any effort) whilst we adore our Mum and would all do anything for her. We appreciate everything she did raising us, how hard she worked and everything she gave up for us.
Your children might not see it straight away but it will come right in the end!!

Another friend’s relationship ended because the cheating bastard cheated on her when she was pregnant with baby no 3. He dumped him.
Never told the kids why, she didn’t want them think bad of their dad.
it’s come out though - because he’s said enough for them to work it out now that they’re teens.
it all comes out in the wash.

I very much suspect that you are seeing yourself as 'bad cop' because you are stressed OP, it won't be like this forever. Try to find little ways to look after yourself lovey x

It won't take long before your kids work it all out. And then in due course they will be grateful to the strong, dependable parent that has always been there, ensuring that they become vaguely well rounded adults, who are of value to the community.

And it probably also won't take long before your ex stops being quote so fun, and starts not being quite as available...

Just make sure you don't over compensate on the rules front, and ensure you do also have fun times with them - can be hard when you don't have them all the time, but all the homework, dentists, doctors, opticians etc has to be done on your time!

The ‘fun’ parent soon becomes tiresome. No matter how hard they push against us sometimes, children need boundaries to feel safe and secure.

As kids grow up they become a lot less interested in ‘having fun with’ any parent and much more focussed on their friends. What will last is their connection with the anchor - the reliable parent always there for them.

A good way for you to have fun with them is to have their friends round as they grow up. They’ll appreciate that as they grow up. Also lets you keep an eye on them as teens if their friends like you and feel welcome at your home. Make them all do their bit to tidy up too as part of your hosting!

Also rituals and traditions are good eg weekend Disney film altogether and special food. Making pizza together Friday night etc. These are things they’ll value - kids love the safeness of routine.

Long term, they'll appreciate the fact that you give them square meals, take an interest in their preoccupations, and make sure they have everything they need during the school day. Eating crisps and haribo in front of the telly while dad scrolls on his phone will wear thin, and the stress of not having PE kit/book bags/permission slips etc will wear really really thin. Don't bother trying to compete with him. I think you'll be surprised how quickly they'll learn who they can count on.

Love this 💕

Been there, got the T-shirt. Ex never once did the school run, dealt with DS being poorly, homework, eating healthy, revision… He was strictly EOW and not a morsal longer. So all he ever did was the nice fun stuff.

DS is now 22 and appreciates everything me and his Step Dad did, and his relationship with his Dad is poor. Very sad, but DS wanted to see his dad being a dad, and as he’s got older he knows what that really means (spoiler alert - it’s not just all the fun!)

Chin up, you’ll get there OP

They do see through it eventually… when suddenly there is no food ( see the post about no food in the house) …. No clean uniform for school, no present bought for Tommy’s birthday party. Dad doesn’t get the medicine flavour they like when sick etc.

They get there but it hurts in the short term . Remember parenting is a verb a doing word - so you are parenting ….he is babysitting and they work that out.

As they get older you can just be more honest with them. That’s what I intend to do

They'll will probably start to see stressed out and losing his shit dad when he is forced to be a responsible parent on his weekends and cook, clean and do their homework with them.

I’d rather be their emotional support any day. The one they run to when they need help or advice. They’ll always need that to some degree. Disney dads only last so long before the kids grow up a little and see straight through it.

Sit back and let him do his thing, safe in the knowledge that your stability will be something they really remember ❤️