To ask if I’m a crap, ineffective parent, or …

[letsgetready]

Is it really difficult to deal with some stuff?

Five year old ds; has started with some very unpleasant behaviour. This involves foot stamping, shouting, yelling and hissing at me whenever I say something he doesn’t like (which is often correcting some sort of behaviour.)

So for example he will be doing something he shouldn’t be; I will tell him not to (and often ignored the first two / three times) then tell him sharply / firmly, to which he’ll respond angrily and the situation escalates.

I feel like I shouldn’t ignore such rudeness but I’m lost with how to deal with it?

I’m not sure if this is the right approach or not but when my boys get a bit angry (or frustrated / emotional), I’ve got a very small caddy we call the calm box and I tell them to choose something to play with to calm down. It’s not got much in it - stress ball, fidget popper, bubbles, sensory tube to watch and some paper/pens/paper clips typed thing. Then we regroup when everyone is calm and really briefly run over what’s happened and why it’s not ok / what to do next time. Figured I can’t stop anger (I get angry too!) but finding a way to manage it helps a bit.

The rudeness/attitude still makes an appearance sometimes but I just switch off so I don’t get wound up, one chance and the toy is removed or whatever the problem is, and I’ll speak to them when they aren’t having an outburst.

Hope you get some ideas to help!

I hate that people use bedrooms as a punishment room, bedrooms should be a safe space. I also hate time out, way more effort than it's worth and just becomes a pointless battle. Removing them from soft play or whatever to calm down is fair enough, but expecting them to sit somewhere alone and upset is just horrible IMO.

What is he doing that he shouldn't? Can you change whatever it is into something he can do? ie 'if you want to play with the ball then you need to go out in the garden, if you play with it indoors something might get broken'. If he gets cross that's ok, if he continues with the ball indoors then calmly tell him it will have to go away if he doesn't take it out - or better still offer to go play with it outside with him.

The best way to distract kids is often to do something with them. Obviously not always possible right in the moment, but even 5 minutes of fun can turn things around. So much nicer than constant punishments and time outs.

With rudeness I find a 'you're being rude please don't speak to me like that' reminder is as good as anything. Doesn't tend to escalate if you say it calmly.
You need to model the calm behaviour that he's struggling with.

MN is big on punishing everything, but constantly punishing a child doesn't make then a good, kind, well behaved child. They need your time and effort, prioritise playing with them and doing things with them as much as you can.

You will get a lot of conflicting advice. Might be a good idea to get one book that has good reviews and then try to follow the advice in it.
Eg: Olivia Pine, The Ultimate Guide to Parenting Childen with Big Emotions.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/217174632-the-ultimate-guide-to-parenting-kids-with-big-emotions

I'd expect a teacher worth their salt to be able to handle a 5yo being a bit angry. Besides, most kids don't express their feelings that openly with teachers. My 5yo can be quite emotionally volatile at home but his teachers always say he is exceptionally collaborative and reasonable at school and skilled at expressing his feelings verbally, while other kids his age are still lashing out and behaving aggressively when they're frustrated.

My 15 year old daughter had the most amazing tantrums as a 5 year old, running upstairs to her room, bellowing loudly for ages, and crashing about, being cross for half an hour. I let her let off steam, be cross, process her feelings for a while, then like a switch, it'd stop.

I'd try to not react, stay calm and sometimes distract, but often it was easier for her to process it and then regulate it all herself.

She's now a brilliant girl who's on track for great things (Oxbridge stuff) and I have had no problems at all. My youngest daughter is similar now aged 6, but I'm used to it.

Have faith, be calm, distract, and it will get better ❤️

Genuinely is a long game. Keep doing what you’re doing, he will learn over time. Mine did the hissing and stamping thing, even hit me a few times. Feels hopeless and futile but it’s all a phase and when you’re in the trenches you forget that. Now my son is 9, he’s been through 3/4 of the tantrum phases, would say it leveled out at around 7. There were some days I really hated it all.