To think jealousy says more about the insecure person than the relationship?

[JealousyIsSelfTalk]

It’s rarely about the partner, it’s about the mirror.

100%

and funnily enough
it's usually the "jealous" one who cheats

As in, the cheater was the jealous one, NOT all jealous people end up cheating

Not always no. Its entirely possible for a secure person to be manipulated into feelings of jealousy if they have a partner who abuses them in this way. The behaviour can be very gradual and subtle, the negative comparisons against others, the constant mentioning of other people who are 'better', the implications they are worthy of someone superior and are highly sought after. It's also not uncommon for gaslighting to be used to frame reasonable boundaries as unreasonable jealousy.

No not always. I think if one partner has poor boundaries or has cheated it is likely to mean their partner gets jealous when they wouldn't do otherwise.

There’s usually a reason a partner would feel jelous/insecure emotionally unsafe.

YANBU

And I get sick to death of reading that people are 'only jealous because of past relationships'.

It's a copout if it's nothing to do with the current relationship.

If they're carrying so much baggage that their past is affecting their present, they need to work on themselves before getting into another relationship.

that's a very dangerous (and false!) statement, victim blaming at its finest.

that would justify the behaviour of any partner, the behaviour of an abusive husband!

Yes, this is what my ex husband used to say.

Funnily enough the 'reason' was never him and his warped mind.

Load of rubbish.

The question is why they would stay with a partner who makes them feel that way.

Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship. That applies whether you feel jealous because of how your partner treats you, or whether because you're just a jealous person in general.

I found it was very easy to weed out jealous men - simply having male friends and spending one-on-one time with them would do it - and I always advise that as a litmus test.

I think that this sounds like the kind of TikTok bite size pop psychology nonsense which is in no way applicable to the complexities of actual relationships.

You should read the thread about some women priding themselves on not "allowing" their husband to play tennis or speak to another woman, or even to look at young players in their clubs (the threat seem to be more from female Italian tennis players for some reason 😂)

Jealousy is not a gender related

Yes, I see so many threads in here where it’s clear jealousy and posters say trust your instincts. Um no it’s jealousy and they then urge controlling behaviour ie well if it upsets you he shouldnt do it. Like the jealousy should be pandered to.

Victim blaming at its finest.

Then they should not be in the relationship .

I don't disagree but that's a whole other issue. Abuse, kids, financially dependent, poor self esteem.

jealousy can happen for lots of reasons I don't think you can always say it's the person feeling jealous with the issue, and nor can you always say it's the other partner who's the issue. It really depends on the individual circumstances of each relationship

I was made to think I was the jealous one in my marriage while my husband was completely trusting. Turned out I wasn't irrationally insecure, he was a liar and trying to cheat with pretty much anything that moved. 20 years before I found out the truth though.

Relationships are way more complex than that.

Plus, the relationship comprises each person so the premise makes no sense

YABU. It entirely depends on the situation. Is the other person doing something that could reasonably be expected to provoke a feeling of jealousy? Or is the other person behaving entirely normally, and the jealousy is unjustified?

Not always no. Its entirely possible for a secure person to be manipulated into feelings of jealousy if they have a partner who abuses them in this way. The behaviour can be very gradual and subtle, the negative comparisons against others, the constant mentioning of other people who are 'better', the implications they are worthy of someone superior and are highly sought after. It's also not uncommon for gaslighting to be used to frame reasonable boundaries as unreasonable jealousy.

This 100%. Before I met my current partner I was secure and confident. However he is insecure although his detour suggests otherwise. He has compared me to his exs and other women repeatedly so now I have no confident. Massively insecure and doubt myself all the time. I don’t recognise my behaviour or myself anymore. Friends have suggested I leave but I have no confidence to do so.

we are on holiday currently and there’s one lady here keeps looking out for. It literally affects our relationship all the time. I’m not being paranoid. I’m very self aware but also so god damn beaten down.

not a thread hijack. Literally just saying it’s not always the jealous insecure partner at fault.

What do you mean? I just meant there usually a reason someone may feel jelous ie loser of a partner who’s made someone feel that way.

I get what you mean, so you think if your husband is jealous (and controlling), it's because YOU made him feel that way?

My ex was a total head fuck (I realise but didn't want to admit it at the time)
Love bombs me then used to be extra charming with anyone we came to contact with then ignores me. Very complimentary and holding extra long eye contact with others. He blanked me/ ignored me in pubs/ restaurants. When I stopped paying attention/ engaging when he would be extra nice and on way home in the car, he would say something like 'did you see that waitress with the awesome figure in x outfit?'
To get me to react or respond which I would then be put down and accused of being jealous.
Argued constantly..... very messed up

I think I read the thread wrong 😂 I’m thinking from a woman ie me I was feeling jealous or insecure it’s likely for good reason, not from nothing but because they have done something to make me feel that way.

I am in no way implying it’s ok for someone to be jelous and controlling in any relationship ie an abuser!

I would say it’s a mix. Sometimes you are right but if I think of my first relationship of 4 years, he was always messaging other women and had cheated on previous partners and I became very jealous and insecure. With my DH I am not jealous or insecure because he has never made me feel that way. My ex was just a c*nt and he broke my self esteem and I was too young/naive to realise.

If you mean jealousy as in possessiveness then yes. It's always about either control or lack of security in a relationship.