How do you move forward, family member on trial

[ithappenstootherfamilies]

I'm deliberately being vague for fear of outing myself and family

I'm not defending their actions

But how do you move on, I presume it is like a grief and you have to.

DM welcome as i know it might be difficult to talk

Are you planning to stay in contact ? Will they likely spend time in prison?
its hard when you’re in limbo awaiting trial tbh.

afterwards time heals in the way it does for other wounds ❤️

Seek some family therapy if you can.. We didn't.
And ime it's worse than grief. Depends on the crime obviously
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I think it depends how close the family member is and what they're awaiting trial for. I have an extended family member who was regularly in court for possession of drugs and since everyone knew the situation, it wasn't something that was any more upsetting than the fact of his drug use in the first place. Another much more distant relative went to prison for something pretty awful and while I've personally never met that relative, I understand it caused huge grief for the more immediate family.

Although if on trial presumably they are maintaining their innocence - and they may be found not guilty.

I guess it depends on whether you are obviously connected with them (unusual surname that links you or something like that) and what the offence is.

The son of someone I know went to prison for an accident where someone died. There was a lot of local outrage and she had people shun her, refuse to serve her in shops etc. The truth is her son wasn't drunk, or speeding or on drugs. He was temporarily blinded by low setting sun and the person didn't wait for cars to stop before running across the road. She had to weather the storm but it's really changed the family and the siblings are no longer that close as lives moved on while he was in prison.

I think it's different if it's a crime where you never want to be associated with the person.

My nephew stupidly got involved in drug dealing (bizarrely through guys he met at the gym while trying to develop healthy habits) He was sentenced to 5 years as the amount he was caught with was enough for them to add intent to supply onto the charge and escalate it from magistrates to crown court

it was a horrible horrible time for his girlfriend who was left on her own with their young child and my sister, both of whom had no idea it was going on. He also had a very good full time job and his girlfriend just assumed the money was coming from there. It also really affected my mum. They kind of went through the stages of grief once the shock wore off they were so so angry. It was awful for the rest of us trying to explain things to younger children in the family who were being told both the unfiltered truth and some very wild rumours in the playground.

he only ended up serving just over 2 years inside, then was tagged for a while and I think on licence

you cope because you have to, time helps. I think it also depends on how close you are to the person, the crime, the sentance and the attitude of the person on trial. Nephew was remorseful, admitted it straight away and didn’t try to make excuses. He knew it was wrong but was young and swept up with the money he was earning so he did it despite knowing the risks. He kept his head down and did his time and has got his life back on track since he was released. He (rightly) lost his job and had trouble finding a new one for a while. It took my sister a long time to trust him again.

being in once was enough for him to know he never wanted to go back in again. On the other hand my friends brother is a career criminal. He is in and out of jail all the time. It’s nothing to him and he doesn’t care. They have all washed their hands of him after years of trying to help him get in the straight and narrow. So it’s very different depending on the attitude of the person doing the sentence

edited to add - develop a thick skin and learn to not be upset by gossip if it makes the local paper. My nephew did

It feels like grief with no body.

You say they are on Trial so i assume they are pleading not guilty?
A lot would depend on the type of ctime commited and wether you think they are not guilty?
If they are quilty do they appear remorseful.?

I could be wrong, but if you are in this situation, it is like a death but without a grave.
You need to think do you want to keep in touch with this person or their immediate family?
Can you help them out at all as they will be struggling too?
If you do not want to keep in touch you need to think about good memories and then perhaps move forward to new horizons

Its bloody hard, as you still love the person even if their actions were wrong/stupid. We tried to support the person that got sentence but in the end we had to break away. Partly because they were full of pity for themselves, and always saying how hard it was and could we send them money and mainly because what they done isn't forgiveable. We believed they were innocent, not sure why or how but love is blind as they say. Our whole life had to change because of their mistakes, not even a direct family member but we were the ones supporting them and believing them. We've had no contact now for over a year but I still miss the person they were before they decided to do the crime. I can now see 100% they deserve to be in jail.

It happened in Spain I think? Did the crime involve hurting another person?
It would make a difference in how to navigate the situation.

Grief is quite accurate. You have to reconcile the fact that the person you thought they were wasn't actually true. A family member I really really looked up to when I was young went to court for something really atrocious.and was not the person I thought they were at all. The moment I found out I completely cut them off and to be honest as soon as they were sent to prison it was easier knowing they were where they belonged and that the victim had justice. I now hardly think about them but it unfortunately completely ripped the wider family apart.

To me it really depends on what the crime was

It is a form of grief as PP said. The death of who you thought they were, especially if it was not an accident.
Its very hard, and brings a lot of shame. A cousin spent time in jail for a horrible crime (against an adult) and it ripped the family apart. One uncle was all defensive of him and visited all the time. His parents were mortified and tried to pretend it didn't happen. Neither was helpful in the long run.
Seek support for you and be as kind to yourself as you can be.

I think it depends on:

• what they're accused of
• whether I believe they're guilty
• whether they're a career criminal, or this is a one-off mistake they are likely not to repeat
• whether they are found guilty
• would I want to stay in touch
• would I want to visit them in prison
• how is the rest of the wider family/friendship group reacting to it?

In many ways it is like grief - but the person is still there, though possibly not accessible. This means there are some different considerations than with a death. Like a death, people will handle it in different ways, so you have to work out what you would like from it. Give yourself some time, don't rush decisions.

I know a couple of my colleagues have previous convictions - I don't know what for, but clearly not so serious it would bar them from this job, and they now are living pretty normal, generally mundane lives. Depending on the crime and the person - it will change things, but it isn't the end.

Take care of yourself.

It is completely dependent on the crime.

Its not sexual or child related.