AIBU to feel sad that old friends seem to have drifted?

[Pinkshoulders]

I'm a bit sad really. We just had friends round that we used to be really close with in our late twenties - met up a lot, nights out and great conversation. Fast forward a few years and we've got a wonderful child, moved out to the countryside and are very involved in school/ village life etc. They came to visit us today and we had literally nothing to talk about- conversation was so stilted despite me trying to really not bang on about kids stuff all the time ( I do realise that this is not interesting if you don't have children), they just talked about expensive holidays and what their pedigree cat eats. I think we've just really drifted apart but I still find it a massive shame. We paid for the pub meal and they didn't even offer to contribute. Aibu to not want to meet again?

Sometimes friends are of the moment and when time moves on there’s no failure in friendships drifting.

Are you in touch between visits? I maintain friendships by texting people all the time, so I know what’s going on in their lives and have plenty of past (text) conversations to draw on when we finally meet in person. That and reminiscing / talking about our past means there’s always a lot to talk about and conversation doesn’t dry up.

It's okay to feel sad. It's also okay for the friendship to have faded now you have a baby and have moved elsewhere.

Some friendships are situational, some are a meeting of minds.

I have recently reconnected with a few friends from my 20s. We rarely talk about our kids weirdly. It’s almost like we’ve entered a new phase in our lives where we’re not totally consumed with the act of raising young children and we can go back to chatting shit about books and politics etc. It’s nice.

Give it a few years and your life stages may be more back in synch.

My friend of over 40 years have both found out friendship has waxed and waned over those years, mainly because our lives have diverged.

during the times life got in the way, we'd still keep some form of contact going albeit sporadically.

But when either of us have faced the terrible things that happen to most people (illness, death of a loved one) we've always been there for each other.

now our lives have coincided again, both of us are retired with time on our hands, we meet regularly and because of our rich history, we talk about things in a far deeper way than we did in our 30s.

so maybe you and your friend are simply in different stages of life. But if you value your friend try to keep some kind of friendship going during this period where your lives diverge.

I know how dear my friend is to me, partly because of our shared history.

Id keep them in your life - even sporadic communication. Maybe after your kids have grown up a bit you’ll be glad of an expensive holiday or visit them to do something fun.

Unless they were positively obnoxious??

Is this a sly dig at childfree people with their expensive holidays and fur babies?

If they travelled to your home and spent time and money getting there (and perhaps brought small gifts for the children) , I think you should either have food in the house for them or offer to pay for a meal out. Perhaps they thought the same which is why they didn’t offer to pay?

The issue I have, as a childless woman, is that meeting friends with children always involves me having to travel to where it is convenient for them (as they need a short journey back home to deal with children, regardless of their age). If friends with children host me, I’m just 1 guest to feed, if I host them, they are 3-4 guests. Except that they don’t really host me as they’re a lot busier and more exhausted due to children.
Birthday and Xmas - if we do exchange presents, I receive one present but have to buy several.
I guess the relationships between people wirh children and people without children if often unbalanced and can’t work without a strong bond and mutual effort.

What type of conversation did you want? The way you worded it saying you tried hard not to bang on about your children etc does that mean that’s really what you’d rather have been talking about but instead was holding back? Is there anything else you wanted to talk about or is your children really just your only focus of interest? Did you try and engage in any other topics with them yourself? You complain about what they talked about but what did you talk about to them?
It does come across like you’re just judging them for not having children and the same life and priorities as you. WE have a lovely life in the country with children and a community but THEY just waste money on expensive holidays and a posh cat.

I don’t have children. I have friends who do. We are still friends. Often they’ll tell me loads about their kids and what they’ve been up to. Sometimes they just tell me about their job. Other times we just laugh ands reminisce about old times. I talk about my job and my holidays. About films I’ve seen or books I’ve read. Sometimes I’m not fully into whatever they are talking about. I’m sure sometimes they find me a bit boring. But we’re friends and accept that we can’t always be doing and be into exactly the same things all the time.

It’s fine if you feel the friendship has drifted. That can happen. But as I said it just seems you don’t want to see them anymore because you don’t feel their current lifestyle is good enough in a way. So maybe just find other friends and let them do the same.

YANBU to be sad about it but you do sound quite judgey with the mention of their holidays and pets so maybe they've picked up on that!

If they come to you then you are presumably hosting and need to make food or pay.

How old are you now? As someone who is involved in kids/village/school but has lots of childfree friends I try and see it that friendships go through phases and that at some point presumably we will be more aligned. Either they will have kids or I'll be out of the small kid phase. Even now I still have loads to talk about with them- work, family, mutual friends, politics etc.

Thank you all for your posts and perspectives, you're right that friendships probably go through phases and we might align more again in a few years time. They're not obnoxious as someone has suggested but they were completely uninterested in us and I did all the talking including asking them about their life (I am genuinely interested in theirs but they just didn't really talk much at all, and absolutely didn't ask us anything either). Maybe they find us boring now.

Good heavens, that's not at all how it is! I've got loads of friends with no children. I'm in no way saying their lifestyle isn't "good enough" for us, they are very well off and have a lovely life, it hasn't even crossed my mind.

You may have more in common when they have kids, or when your kids are older. Basically you have moved location and have kid/s, that haven’t. I have friends that I can not see for a couple years and we can pick up just where we left off, other friends it’s only because we were at the same place and stage of life snd once one settled down or moved that was it. If you stop being connected by day to day things then the relationship may have just run its course, but it’s totally fine to feel sad about it.