To think we don’t talk about financial abuse enough

[theprincessthepea]

This thought is inspired by another MN post that was a warning to young mums about letting go of financial ownership.

I came across the term financial abuse years after I broke up with my ex. We have 1 child and looking back I realised finances played a huge role in our breakup. We were “childhood sweethearts” that had a baby young. We were lucky enough to live at his mums when she left the country. I ended up taking my career seriously, out-earned him eventually. While he ended up getting involved in dodgy and high risk investments - that he would never tell me about and always lost money.

I remember him becoming so so so angry, we had really bad arguments - I’m ashamed that my child witnessed some. If I refused to borrow him money for another inveent or because he needed a tenner randomly - hell would break loose. It became all we argued about near the end. He was constantly borrowing money off me whilst his own income “sat in investments”. I paid for everything! Or managed to get things like childcare etc through work schemes. Eventually he became addicted to a substance and everything went downhill.

As I’m getting older and friends are opening up about marriages following divorces etc, I’m realising finance is huge but as women I think there is a culture of trusting our partners (generally) and playing “wife”.

I was lucky that I kept my finances separate so didn’t suffer too much, but during the relationship I couldn’t figure out what was right, why borrowing money to OH felt wrong even though I felt like I had to because we were a “unit”.

I guess my AIBU is thinking we need more visibility on what financial abuse is.

Also, I can’t be the only one.

Posters think that MN hates SAHM.

We don’t.
We just hate when women rely solely on men.

If your very existence relies on a man giving you a roof over your head, buying you food, paying the bills etc and you have nothing without him - then you are in a massively disadvantaged position.

I’ve read countless threads of women who’ve been SAHM for years and then are moaning that their DH has left them for an OW and they suddenly can’t afford things or don’t know how to adult properly.

I think choosing to be a SAHM is fine and often makes sense when the DC are so little but once they start school women should be thinking about their career again.

As well as having things like separate accounts and separate savings accounts.

I drill it into my DCs head that being financially independent is the more important thing above anything else.

You were very lucky and smart but it just goes to show that even though you were doing the right things, it still led to arguments etc.
Anyone else who may be a bit more naive would have someone like him rinse them for all they’ve got.

Thank goodness you’ve come out of it and I think bringing an awareness of what financial abuse looks like is really important.

It's great keeping money seperate, but I despair at posters on here using savings and credit cards to pay towards bills, during maternity leave. There needs to be lots of discussions when ttc, or in early pregnancy. If there's disposable income, a SAHM should have savings of her own. Although we are talking about relationships, I know plenty of adult men who've landed back at their Mum's and are now financially abusing them.

I suspect it’s connected to the British reticence to discuss money because many people see income, savings, and how their household finances are organised as “private information.” And if people aren’t discussing it with their friends and family, they aren’t going to get the feedback about how their set up really isn’t the norm and is actually abusive. So they just carry on, feeling unable to talk about it because it’s “private”, and whilst they might have a sense that it’s not right, don’t really know confidently enough to challenge their partner.

I agree. Even news media is complicit. For example, implying the cost of childcare should always be born by women: ‘Nancy can’t afford to progress her career because the cost of childcare is more then her salary!’

I also think being a SAHM is fine, so long as all household income is treated as joint income. Far too often, I see women being forced to exist on savings, or even take out loans to cover their ‘half’ of the bills (as well as cover all childcare).

The worst examples of financial abuse are when women with children work all hours and cover all bills, and the bloke’s money get invested in his cars, pension, investments and other properties (or the bloke doesn’t work at all). To me, this looks like modern slavery.

I didn't realise i was being financially (and emotionally) abused until I came here. Looking back it was so bloody obvious but at the time I was just trying to survive. Quite literally at times, as I went without food so the children could eat (he ate whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted - had a big important job 🙄).

The biggest problem is thinking that other people have the same morals as you, who don't lie or twist things, that they are actually kind underneath and are being a little naive about the impact they are causing. No, they are selfish, and mean, and unkind, and just plain nasty. We look for the good, they look for the weakness.

I think it can be bigger than financial abuse - it can be economic abuse - putting barriers up regarding you working, not supporting promotions and career progression etc. it’s so often couched as ‘best for the children’ but massively disadvantages the person who is affected for the rest of their life. It can be them choosing a rural life when you don’t have access to a car or controlling accommodation.

I absolutely agree it’s not spoken about nearly enough and this does a great disservice to women. Often when it’s counselled against on here the reaction is fierce and I don’t know why. As this thread demonstrates there’s lots of great and sensible advice here.

Mumsnet is one of the only places where you can read about this openly and what it means for people. (Women). This is one of the reasons Mumsnet is such an important and valuable resource.