AIBU not intervening further with stepson’s birth mother contact?

[Haveyouanyjam]

Need some more advice, original thread here…www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5508471-aibu-to-let-11-year-old-manage-contact-with-unreliable-bio-mum-directly?page=4&reply=152603730

DSS bio mum has 4 children (all different fathers she is currently with the youngest’s on and off) children removed from care and with her mother aside from DSS who came to live with us (now me) and she then had another child. Made some improvements so got to
keep him in her care but so inconsistent with contact, meant to visit every month has visited twice in nearly a year. Alcohol an issue as is mental health.

I tried grey rocking and it seemed to be going reasonably well, she was still relentless and unreliable but I was feeling less affected by all of it.

However, she once again made an unreasonable ask for contact and I held firm on our plan, she became extremely rude toward me and I reached my limit and said I would be blocking her on WhatsApp and would be going through a parenting app from now on. I sent the link to her WhatsApp first and to her email to make sure she got it. She did not (and has not) accepted this.

She still has my phone number, so do her mum and nan, and has contacted me on Facebook previously. Also obviously has DSS’ number. So it’s not that she can’t reach me at all.

She called him the next day when his phone was off (not a contact day) and then we haven’t heard from her since. She didn’t call on the contact day, was due to come down for a visit that weekend and I made sure to have his phone on all the time the days before just in case she needed to get in touch (we had already agreed time and place). She didn’t come. He called and she didn’t answer or send any response. We tried to call her on his phone again a few days later, at his request, and nothing.

It has been nearly a month and there has been no calls or messages and she appears to have actually blocked him on WhatsApp as his message does not go through, but she still shows as having a WhatsApp account attached to her number. He could still see her pictures and statuses until then.

I am torn as obviously that’s heartbreaking for DSS but at the same time, if she wanted to call or see him, she would and her Inconsistency has caused him so much pain and frustration. He has asked occasionally whether she’s tried to contact him and I’ve said no, and he misses her and we have talked about it, but I feel like contacting her to tell her what she’s going is just artificially prolonging a relationship she doesn’t want (or doesn’t want to work for) and DSS is actually better off with no contact as at least it’s consistent and he’s not being constantly strung along and let down.

He has asked about calling his nan to ask her why his mum hasn’t called, and I’ve said that’s absolutely his choice and just encouraged him to think about how he may feel if he doesn’t get an answer that he wants.

He has actually been calmer since contact stopped but I know it’s hurting him a lot.
AIBU to not intervene further in the relationship other than supporting him with what he wants and being there for him?

I may have missed this, but how old is he. If he’s younger than 12 I’d say to encourage contact from her. And if 12/13 or older then you need to just leave him/her to it and support him with his feelings such as feelings of abandonment.

He is 11. Has lived with us for 5 years and I honestly feel like she’s only done half the contact she has because she knew we would call her out for missing it (at least some of the time) or that he would. I worry that guilting her into further contact will just set him up for more disappointment because it’s just been a litany of disappointment in the five years.

Not the same set up, but as a foster carer it really hurts to see how inconsistent family time affects our young people. The self doubt and belief they're not enough for their parents to make a bit if an effort .

Our messages have been left on unread but then other times will respond immediately. We have a teen who is able to contact their mum or dad if they so desire. They prefer not to and have asked us to do the communications and I feel it's because they can't stand the the thought of either being directly ignored or refused by their parents. That would be too painful. We are their 'buffer' If the parents respond to me in that way I can then pass that on to the teen in an easier way for them to deal with it.
I would take his lead but remember she is his mum and for lots of kids with early trauma there's still the love (obviously) for parents and loyalty.
He'll have the added confusion of the fact she has a new baby who she has seemingly put effort into keeping and may think that 'hes not worth the effort and that there.must be something with him. Must be his fault'

It is heartbreaking and Im thinking of you both x x

Gosh, my first opinion right at the start was that if you can't deal with this woman (have her blocked etc) then how would an 11 year old be able to manage that himself.

On reading everything though, you are not unreasonable. It sounds like you will support your DSS with however he wants to move forward. Let him call Nan if he wants to, even if the answer isn't what he wants to hear, at least he won't be wondering any more and then you can support him to deal with that.

I had no contact with my own father from the ages of 15-32, when he suddenly reappeared (then died the following year). 11-16 I feel is a hard time for boys anyway, so maybe him coming to terms with his mum not being the person he has hoped for or needed will be tough, but maybe ripping off the band aid is the way. Ugh. poor kid, I'm glad he's got you.

I don't know if you have the funds, but maybe some outside counselling for him could also be useful over the next few years.

I'm sorry that you're both having to go through this.