To think men are more socially permitted to prioritise their careers over family than women are

[WryJadeWren]

This is a general observation rather than a rule about all men or all women. I’ve noticed that men are often expected, and socially allowed, to prioritise their careers, even when it has a significant impact on family life. When they do, it’s usually framed as ambition, responsibility or providing.

When women prioritise themselves or their careers in similar ways, the reaction often feels very different -more judgement, guilt or pressure to justify it. It makes me wonder whether many women internalise the idea that putting themselves first is selfish, while men are often encouraged to do exactly that.

AIBU? To think there’s a real imbalance here and that more women might benefit from giving themselves the same permission?

Yes, I agree. But women need to get some agency, fuck the judgment, and give themselves “permission” or nothing will change.

The thing is you can give yourself permission as a woman, but you will then have to deal with the backlash from people who judge you differently than they would a man.

I don't think its more socially acceptable I think they just do it and don't care.

yes there is. But conversely men are judged for family responsibilities in a way women aren’t.

i could leave early for nursery run, take a morning for nativity, put in flexible working requests and my workplace was fine. Not a problem.

dh on the other hand constantly got pushback. “Can’t your wife do it” when he said he was leaving to pick up the kids, or rang in to take the day off because a child was sick.

we need to normalise women working and having careers, and men taking in more childcare responsibilities.

It is expected of men. Which means there is also pressure and sigma to meet that expectation. From women and other men. It's the same side of the shit stick.

Absolutely, but I think this is men's job to sort. The sad thing people are more likely to take men taking more family time seriously than they are women taking less time for family. Quite a lot of women have been doing that for some time without it being paid much attention, but I am really pleased to see a lot more men taking good chunks of paternity leave and visibly doing the school run at work than I did 10 years ago. That is what it will take

Well, duh.

(sorry!)

Just look at the responses on the thread to the lady who didn't disclose her pregnacy at interview.

Trying yo set up her career for the future and getting torn apart.

I think that you’re right. But also, that it’s more complicated than just that.

Like PP, I think society still expects men to work and “provide” and they are often judged more negatively than women for adjusting work to fit with family life.

I also think women are sometimes judged for making choices that mean family is. 59 whatever extent, prioritised over career. I had a “big” career and have taken a sideways move in order to prioritise family. I am definitely judged for this, especially by other women.

Essentially, we are all being judged and we should ignore it as much as possible.

Who wants to prioritise their career? The you can have it all thing is bs for the most part. If you want to have a great career and be the parent your children actually need, I don’t know how many people can actually do that. Dh was at a meeting for funding and someone said five of the guys who’d gotten the funding before were divorced. Basically work over family but a few of the people there laughed over it. Brave of him to tell me given we’ve been having trouble. Guess why

I felt the same on reading the OP tbh.

"Why has nobody thought of this before!?" It's like Women's Lib never happened.

Maybe it was too long ago now and the OP is young, so not her fault.

I disagree. I think our family has it all. It all depends what ‘having it all’ means to you. We both work, have jobs we enjoy, and have a great family life. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I think men are pressured into financially providing. You only have to read the comments on here about expectations of paying for a date, if a women earns more bills should be split 50/50 otherwise they’re a cocklodger, but if a man earns more he should be paying more proportionally. Obviously there is the history of women being a SAHM and needing men to provide, but as the status quo changes (the majority of my friends earn the same or more - a couple at least three times more than their husbands), isn’t time the social attitudes change?

We manage it very well.