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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you are the Rachel from (near) Tunbridge Wells and a (former) French teacher?

41 replies

SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 17:28

AIBU in looking for Rachel..

And around 2000-2002 had a long distance relationship with a Frenchman living in Paris, surname starting with L?

And were you planning, in around 2002, to move to another EU country with him (not France)?

And did you choose a flat together in a quiet, greenish area of the new city?

And did you, very last minute, decide not to make the move and to end the relationship?

The dates may be slightly out. The gist isn't.

If this sounds familiar, I would really love to know why you didn't go - the real story.

I met him a few years later. He told me that it was probably because your mother didn't like him. She had a thing against him because he was French and she convinced you to dump him. Back when he told me, he was the big victim in the story. I was totally naive then and thought it sounded odd, but people are strange, so it wasn't impossible, right? And he was clearly sad about it all. Poor, sweet him....

I ended up marrying him. And I've often thought about you, and wondered. I eventually managed to get divorced. And if you read this and do not get in touch, please know you that you did the right thing, whatever the reason was, to simply not come. He is a master manipulator and coercive controller. When I tried to divorce him, it took years and years and years. I thought about how simply not turning up was brilliant - assuming that was actually what happened!

There are some details I've missed out, i.e. the name of the city and country you were moving to, his name, where his family is from, his work etc, so you can fill them in if it's really you. You could DM me or just reply below (obviously without his personal details).

OP posts:
tiramisugelato · 29/05/2026 18:34

This is really creepy.

TemperanceWest · 29/05/2026 18:35

FaceBothered · 29/05/2026 18:06

This 'Rachel' woman's relationship 26 years ago is none of your business though.

You could be any creepy stalker or a debt collector, and even though the chances of her ever reading this thread are extremely remote, I'd advise her not to respond.

Absolutely spot on.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 29/05/2026 18:37

Some things are best left in the past. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. Rachel is probably relieved she had a lucky escape from your ex h but it’s not like you share children and there’s a strong connection there.

SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 18:43

FaceBothered · 29/05/2026 18:32

But why are you trying to make this woman responsible for filling in the past of the man you married and divorced?

It's not her responsibility and given 26 years have passed since she dated him, why do you think she'd want to drag it all up and tell a complete stranger about her personal life?

At which point did I make her responsible for his behaviour? Would be interested if you'd quote that, because I don't believe I have and it's never even crossed my mind that she could be. She's not.

And nobody is forcing her to respond. I just asked. If she comes across this post and wants to answer, she can. Quite simple. Just like if she doesn't want to, she won't. Like I said, if it was me reading this, I'd reply privately. But people are different. Not a problem.

OP posts:
SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 18:47

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 29/05/2026 18:37

Some things are best left in the past. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. Rachel is probably relieved she had a lucky escape from your ex h but it’s not like you share children and there’s a strong connection there.

Well, Rachel is perfectly free to let sleeping dogs lie. Nobody is forcing her to come here, read this and reply. That's the beauty of the internet!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/05/2026 18:50

He probably made her up.

You know, the crazy ex girlfriend who did him wrong whilst he was the perfect partner, fully committed and made all these plans.

It's textbook.

ShepherdsBlanket · 29/05/2026 18:53

What is it exactly you’re seeking from her? I mean, your relationship is, blessedly, over. Statistically, there were almost certainly other women affected by him before you, but what is it you’re seeking from an interaction? You know he was awful to you. Surely it’s not that important whether he was also awful to Rachel, or she suspected he might become so?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 29/05/2026 18:54

SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 18:47

Well, Rachel is perfectly free to let sleeping dogs lie. Nobody is forcing her to come here, read this and reply. That's the beauty of the internet!

Yeah but you want her to come her and preferably message you.

I actually did make contact with someone here about a guy I knew. It didn’t end well, he ended up harassing me.

kkloo · 29/05/2026 18:57

Deerintheglenn · 29/05/2026 18:31

You could ask in the Tunbridge Wells Facebook group.

Yes OP would you not try a facebook group in the area, and just say Rachel, former french teacher, you don't need to give out all those other details.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/05/2026 19:03

kkloo · 29/05/2026 18:57

Yes OP would you not try a facebook group in the area, and just say Rachel, former french teacher, you don't need to give out all those other details.

What if OP is actually the master manipulator and coercive controller French man?

Motnight · 29/05/2026 19:14

WallaceinAnderland · 29/05/2026 19:03

What if OP is actually the master manipulator and coercive controller French man?

And that is the thing! We have no idea of who Op is or her intentions, only what she has chosen to tell us.

DeftWasp · 29/05/2026 19:18

SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 17:56

I know I've posted on AIBU. I did that because I do want to hear from her. But if it makes any difference, there's a lot of pain in my post. I'm not joking around or making this up for Friday entertainment. I have children with this man. I don't know how else to find this former girlfriend, to maybe hear a bit about his past. If she wants to.

Well, Rachel, if she is still alive, if that was her name is not going to reach out - and her relationship may have been quite ordinary with this chap, she may not share your experiences.

I'm sorry for your pain, but 26 years have elapsed, very unlikely she would contact, even if she recognised herself.

LittleGreenDuck · 29/05/2026 19:23

What are you hoping to get from this OP? So “Rachel” appears, says that she too was abused by him but managed to ditch him and moved on with her life, having had a lucky escape.

Or, she says that their relationship was a dream, he was her one true love, she thinks of him every day and regrets ever losing touch.

What difference would either of these scenarios make to your own situation?

PatNoodle · 29/05/2026 19:37

SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 18:43

At which point did I make her responsible for his behaviour? Would be interested if you'd quote that, because I don't believe I have and it's never even crossed my mind that she could be. She's not.

And nobody is forcing her to respond. I just asked. If she comes across this post and wants to answer, she can. Quite simple. Just like if she doesn't want to, she won't. Like I said, if it was me reading this, I'd reply privately. But people are different. Not a problem.

They didn’t say you’d made her responsible for his behaviour. They said she’s not responsible for filling in the gaps about his past for you

FaceBothered · 29/05/2026 19:41

SeekingRachel · 29/05/2026 18:43

At which point did I make her responsible for his behaviour? Would be interested if you'd quote that, because I don't believe I have and it's never even crossed my mind that she could be. She's not.

And nobody is forcing her to respond. I just asked. If she comes across this post and wants to answer, she can. Quite simple. Just like if she doesn't want to, she won't. Like I said, if it was me reading this, I'd reply privately. But people are different. Not a problem.

I just thought she could fill me in on some things and like I said, I'd do the same if I saw a post about an ex of mine.

Here ^^

Your nosiness about their relationship 26 years ago is not her responsibility.

liveforsummer · 29/05/2026 19:50

He probably made her up tbf

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