So fed up of lazy underperforming husband

[ShinyReds]

I’m fed up I’m so fucking fed up.
been with husband 22 years we are mid forties with 2 dc teen and younger. After working my absolute arse off I’m on the most money I’ve ever been on probably not a lot by mumsnet standards but for me and my background an unheard of 65k per year. but that is it it’s public sector I work hard and full time.
husband had own business he never seems very busy to me he used to be ambitious but that’s gone now he’s quite happy plodding along earning 45k and usually 3 times a week doesn’t start work until 10/11am.
i try to keep on top of the house work he does help but it’s me having to him and direct him to do stuff all the big jobs like gutting kitchen/bathrooms all me.
I desperately want to move house we need to it’s not a would be nice it’s really needed to give the kids space they need. Dh could earn more if he tried and we could afford to go on holidays and move house but he has no sense of urgency.
he feels more like a brother now or a third child that I’m having jolly along to get an action from him. I don’t understand how he can be happy not earning more knowing that we need to move house and the kids should be able to have more holidays

As a dad he’s good to a point again. Not proactive at organising day trips or things but will ferry the kids about to and from places. He can be a bit grumpy often. We are quite separate in the evenings once kids are in bed he will watch YouTube podcasts with earphones on and I’ll watch tv on my own

Shock horror.
Wife earns more than husband.
Disappointed in husband.

I'm waiting for an equivalent post from some DH complaining about how his DW could work harder and earn more if she wasn't lazy.

How do you mean?

We do chat usually focused primarily on the children. He doesn’t like to talk about his work and doesn’t like me talking about mine says it boring and that I’m obsessed with my work - I’m not u just really like my job

It can be a sad life at times. 🙄

I don't really see why you expect him to suddenly bust a gut to earn more money because you want to move and you want more holidays. If you want those things, you could get a better job yourself.

Like, it seems, about two-thirds of Mumsnetters, the mistake you've made is marrying someone you don't actually like and have zero respect for.

i try to keep on top of the house work he does help but it’s me having to him and direct him to do stuff all the big jobs like gutting kitchen/bathrooms all me.

YABU for putting up with this shit for over 2 decades and expecting him to see any point in changing tack now.

None of what you have described requires specialist skills or a vagina so there’s no reason you couldn’t have sorted this out years ago.

I’ve got the better job I’ve grafted my way from 25k a year to now and been promoted 4 times in last decade on top of getting lots of qualifications- but chances of me getting another promotion within a year is unlikely so I’m capped out this is as much as I can get. Meanwhile husband could chose to work full time hours instead of laying in bed but chooses not to even though the kids have to go without living in a bigger house and going on more holidays it’s out of my hands

He has no reason to fundamentally change who he is as a person. He's not going to be career driven, high energy, feminist, or do equal or more chores to you.

Do you want to stay married to him? It sounds completely joyless for everyone.

Does he actually want to live in a bigger house and go on more holidays? If yes then he should probably try to up his hours as you suggest. If no, you need to have a very serious chat about the fact that you want different things in life.

TBF a £45k job with loads of flexibility would be massively appealing for a lot of people. Maybe he doesn't want the stress of earning more money. Particularly when your joint income is, on the surface, fairly decent.

However, maybe you need someone who's more on your level in terms of ambition. Sounds like you've lost a lot of respect for him (if you ever had it). Could you raise it with him?

If you divorce, you will likely both have to live in smaller houses, so perhaps it's worth having a think about what would make the marriage work and whether that is feasible. Are you just annoyed he gets a lie-in? Would his working longer hours actually enable you to live in a bigger house? Are there things he could do and would plausibly do which would address some of your concerns?

I hope when he pops up, he'll also be doing the majority of the domestic labour, or leading her around the house with a manual on what needs to be done 👌🏾.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen this where the man does the majority of the housework and childcare.

"Underperforming"? You sound like his line manager, OP. Some people just aren't as dedicated to their careers - that's fine. I don't think this would even be questioned in relation to a female partner.
If you love him, and your children love him, then just thank your lucky stars that you are a happy family. Your children will be fine growing up in a smaller house. Maybe you could just all relax and enjoy what you have?

I think the bigger house and more holidays are red herrings. Your marriage sounds fundamentally unfulfilling - for both of you. Nothing wrong with being content with what you have (him), and nothing wrong with having aspirations/ambition (you). But if you judge your partner by your benchmarks and these aren't shared values or goals, it is going to lead to what you appear to have - separate lives (apart from the kids).