AIBU to resent my dad expecting constant attention and care now?

[DaddiIssues]

My dad is driving me insane.

Backstory: my mum died suddenly when I was a teen. Within 3 days my dad met someone else, and they stayed together for 30 years until she died. During this time he fully immersed himself with her kids, extended family and then her DGC and sidelined us. For example I didn’t spend 1 Christmas with him for 30 years.

Now he’s single again, and whilst he is still very much ingratiated into his step-family, guess who are the ones expected to do the elderly care? He’s very healthy, but old. He has a massive birth family, mostly local, a massive extended step family, loads of friends and a few women on the go (who don’t know about each other). His misogyny and behaviour is awful. He says things like he doesn’t fancy her, and she looks old, even though that person is at least 15 years younger than him. I’d say he goes out with family or friends 5 out of 7 days. If he’s not got something on that day all hell breaks loose and he gets nasty and bitter.

He’ll say no one has called him, he’s not seen anyone for days and it’s not true. We dread calling him as we don’t know what mood he’s in.

As the only woman in the family he now thinks my sole purpose is to listen to him and him moaning. No one else invites him, so it’s my family who are expected to have him for Christmas. Last year I caught him moaning about me to his step daughter and I was livid. When I go out he calls his step family up for a moan and I’ve heard him telling them about how he’s sent them money for their kid’s birthdays.

Anyway, not sure what my AIBU is TBH. I’m just sick of him. I’m sick of the fact that I have my own issues, as do my siblings, and he’s not sick or lonely (better social life than me) and I just feel like he commands an unnecessary amount of attention. He literally has about 25 people looking out for him, and inviting him to stuff. That’s another thing, he tells anyone who’ll listen that he’s so sad and lonely and he has random people in shops checking up on him as he’s such a sad old man.

I feel ageist saying it all, but I’ve just had enough of the time and energy everyone is spending on him. A few months ago we had a young family tragedy that I helped out with and he complained that I wasn’t paying him any attention. This is what I am dealing with. He literally has his DC (siblings and I) in a tizzy over his behaviour and moaning and bitterness.

YABU - this is just part of elderly care
YANBU - this is not normal for an older person to expect this much attention.

Yep, had a lot of emotional blackmail. Also a lot of comeback from step family, neighbours and his extended family about how awful siblings and I are.

My “D”M is very much like this. Could not have been less interested in us until DF died and she suddenly needed support.

It did take me a while to realise that she would bad mouth me to anyone who listen, no matter how much we did for her so we stopped. I do see her about once every week, but for a short time at her home and I do have her every other Christmas but that’s it and that’s only because my DF asked me to keep an eye on her.

I know we don’t look after our DC in the hope that they will look after us in old age, but it was the expectation of care and the constant criticism behind our backs that really hurt, especially when she had failed to provide basic levels of care for us when we needed her to as DC ourselves.

I have, on many occasions, told him what I think of him, his former partner (she hated my siblings and I and slagged us off to him all the time), the way he treated my mum, and me. He listens and says nothing, or says “I can’t do right for doing wrong”. Apparently if it wasn’t for his former partner he’d be dead by now, as he had nothing to live for. Thanks!

If they can’t control you they control the narrative about you.

You really have to learn to stop caring what people think. You would be surprised how little someone having a bad opinion of you matters to your life.

My family bad mouth me because I called out abuse in childhood and they project their flaws and failings onto me.

Once I learned to step back from what others think honestly my life just took off.

I have loads of great people in my life who know me and know I’m a decent person, who cares what people who are determined to think the worst about me think.

I am at a loss to understand why you don't simply tell him to Fuck Off out of your life?

You owe him nothing but contempt, frankly.

Once I took my young DC to stay with him. His partners DGC came over and took one look at my kids and said “who are you, why are you here?” My DC said “we’ve come to stay with our granddad”.

Cue a massive strop from her DGC and my dad had to take them out as they were so upset saying “he’s our GD not yours”. My DH said I should’ve walked out and checked into a hotel, but I sucked this and many other things up as I’d lost one parent, and was hanging on to see if the other would throw me a tiddler.

I think I’m tolerating him as he’s old, and he’s my dad. I love him, but I don’t like him.

‘Someone once told me it’s better to have a crap parent than a dead one. Maybe that’s why.’

This is completely, utterly untrue. Free yourself of this chain, OP!

’I can’t do right for doing wrong’

This has never meant anything - its word salad, designed to absolve the idiot using it of all responsibility for their actions, and to play the victim.

He’s a nasty piece of work, OP. Free yourself. If your siblings want to moan, allow them a limited time to do so, then something like - that’s enough about him, let’s move on.

This all sounds a bit flippant, I know. It’s very hard to still want a decent parent, and we can try so hard with the crap ones we may have been unlucky enough to get, but acceptance of who they actually are (not forgiveness) can free us.

OP - what can I do about my dad
Everyone - Stop doing it
OP - but let me tell you about my dad
Everyone - Stop doing it
OP - here's some more about my dad
Everyone - Stop doing it

OP you don't need advice about care, you need therapy.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this OP.

This makes me really glad that I'm NC with my father. I'm not sure it is better to have a crap father than a dead one TBH (my mum's dead).

You are exactly right.

He doesn’t add any value to my life, just sucks the joy out of my day.

However, there are quite a few people who have very strong opinions on my siblings and I and how awful we are and how sooooo lonely my dad is.

I was there a few weeks ago and a neighbour told me that another neighbour wanted my number to give me a piece of her mind about my dad. So, again he’s saying things, he’s controlling the narrative.

I joke with my DH that when my dad is no longer here, he’s going to have to have my back and block people who’ll come for me at his funeral. I honestly believe this!

You are right IneKhaki, it is the narrative controlled by him/ others that keeps me shackled.

There is a really good book called “motherless daughters” by hope edelman. I really think you would benefit by focusing on your own experience of grief and loss first. That sounds like it has been very delayed and smothered by all your struggles as a neglected first family and generally by a life in which you and your mother were just supposed to get over it.

I do have this book, thanks. I need to read it again.

I feel so sad now. I think it’s the menopause. We were not allowed to grieve our mother, and we all feel guilty about it.

I agree I need therapy!!!

All those people who supposedly are on the verge of calling you probably don’t exist—they are simply what are called “revenge enactments” when a narcissist tries to punish you.

But As for the gossips—I think just staring at people and saying bluntly “my father abandoned his first family 30 years ago. We don’t owe him anything.” Is one way to go.

I would have dropped contact with him years ago, I don't tolerate idiot people no matter who they are.__

I agree with this a little in that I’ve definitely read some of your other threads. You need to stop giving a shit about what other people think. Stop pandering to him, don’t invite him for Christmas, stop doing things for him. You say you love him but you can guarantee he doesn’t love you, as sad as that is. As for your siblings offloading on you, I wouldn’t accept that either. Tell them you’re taking a step back - if they wish to keep up contact with him then that’s fine but you don’t want to hear about it or discuss it. That’s on them to manage.

You can’t change or control other people’s behaviour, only your own.

I’m a big fan of the family meeting/mute for 99% of the week approach suggested by PPs.

Therapy may be helpful in unpacking why these feelings are now becoming impossible to ignore, and learning how to release yourself from your self imposed obligation to a hateful person who sees no value in you bar what he can leech out of you. Could well be thanks to the life re-evaluating that comes with menopause. It can a very liberating time honestly.

You only get one life OP, free youself and do it with a clear conscience

You are never going to have that. He will disappoint you until his dying breath and probably after when he leaves everything to a catfish 50 years younger.

Tell the others, you are stepping back. Remind them how badly you were treated when you we're kicked aside for his second family. It's not as if he has any regrets or remorse, he is not making up for lost time. Trash talking your beloved mother and moaning about you to your family is unacceptable.

You owe him nothing. Whatever time, love, care and respect you give him will be sneered at and unappreciated.

Go live your life don't waste it on that awful man

I would be completely unavailable and disinterested. If your siblings complain, tell them it’s their turn to deal with him, you have resigned.

Who cares what he expects or demands? Seriously, if he was a good, present, loving dad all your life then I could absolutely understand the emotional pull to help, the guilt but this is not the case here. It doesn't sound as though he loves or cares for you, he just wants to make use of you.

Stop letting him yank your chain. Offer to call or visit whenever suits you. He has plenty of company he'll be grand.

Give into his "demands' now and you will get sucked in further and further.

He cut you off for 30 years, I wouldn't have anything to do with him

Bless you OP, I have some inkling of what you are going through though it was mother in my case. Your father is an unreconstructed shit and should be treated accordingly. Please free yourself from his turd-like clutches forthwith! Hopefully your siblings will follow suit after seeing your example and the much happier life you are living as a consequence.

YANBU to be sick of him but you need to put your own boundaries in place.

I got fed up of mine because he’s constantly moaning to me (never to my siblings!) about all his problems/health issues so I just cut back on visits and tend to now take him out for lunch or something. I also don’t get drawn into his woes (unless it’s something I can actually help with). It sounds brutal but I had to do it for my own MH.

IF he brings. Nothing to your life go no contact. You owe him nothing.

If my DF had behaved like this 30 plus years ago when my DM died I would have cut him off as well.

I would hope that if my dad was this horrible, and this man is the kind of man I utterly detest, he’s everything that’s wrong about men, I wouldn’t do a single solitary thing for him. I’m sorry you didn’t have a decent father op, but you don’t need to feel guilty about that, he does.