AIBU to want to leave before family visit?

[Thenonstopcleaner]

We have DH family visiting today I already cancelled on them last week due to me not being well. I’m pretty much immobile at the minute due to my condition. The house is a dump and I’m so embarrassed by it. But I can’t clean how I want too. I’ve suggested we get a cleaner to DH but he just laughs and says what’s the point.

DH still fast asleep in bed and they are coming at 11. DH mum is a clean freak and I usually get the house sparkling before she is here.

Am I supposed to just sit here in this mess? I feel like asking my mum to pick me up just to get out of the house I’m so embarrassed by it. I’ve done what I can but it’s not enough.

Yes, call your mum and ask her to take you back to hers. Lie on the sofa and let her make you a cup of tea and ideally some lunch. Have a little pamper.

And when DH complains tell him that next time either he cleans or you'll go out again.

If you go now, he'll still be asleep when they knock on the door anyway!

Why hide pots in the dishwasher instead of turning it on? Stay and tell them I'm sorry for the mess, I'm ill and can't do it. They'll be able to see what a useless lump their DS is.

He sounds like a shocker or a husband ltb

He's meant to cherish you, to care about you and want to do things that make you happy.
He's a slob and a misogynist. He's showing his contempt, every pot and mess is a visual 'fuck you.'. I'd be divorcing and enjoying a future clean, happy house.

Id wake him up so he can get on with cleaning

I'd explain what an utter looser their son is to them. How you've been so ill for a week, but he refuses to clean. Tell him he's a real disappointment to you.
Why the hell are you cooking him any dinner?!
Do NOT host them, offer teas etc.
If you've had enough of them, head up to your bedroom.
If you go to your mum's he will minimise how ill you are and won't admit to being a lazy fucker.
This would be a wake up call for me.

I'd get her to pick you up after the MIL arrives and you tell MIL - ill, lazy son etc

He’s going over there now with the kids but he’s blamed it on me and said I’m not well. Which isn’t a lie but it kind of is it’s because he doesn’t want to clean.

it’s a difficult situation for me because I love my kids and I want to be with them everyday. But I can’t care for them on my own so I’m kind of stuck until I can have surgery and get better.

You should have let his parents in to show how useless their son is and how he is not looking after you. Then they could have all pitched in and cleaned. I don’t understand why he is not taking care of you when you’re ill.

Sorry to hear this - focus on you for this period; keep these receipts and actually keep posting here because you need to understand that what is going on in this relationship is not healthy. Your OH is not caring for you properly. So plan your next part of ur life. You were stressed about this situation and unable to do anything about it. But read it back to urself, ur OH was expecting you to sort it, but on this occasion you couldn’t. So instead of being understanding and caring he played brinkmanship - that is unkind. And now he is blaming you - thats not right OP.

MIL is a clean freak use this to your advantage. Burst into tears as soon as she walks through the door about how overwhelmed you are with your health and her son just will not help, she's got such a lovely spotless house and so you're not sure why he doesn't help because she clearly taught him how.

Don't go to your mum's. Stay and tell MIL that you've been unwell and DH has been completely useless.

Why is it some other woman's problem that the OP is married to a man who thinks housecleaning is the natural job of the half of the population who have a vagina?

YABU to be embarrassed by the state of the house when you are seriously unwell. Get your ducks in a row for when the kids are grown and get rid of this useless man.

Have read your updates but honestly if he’s not going to clean whilst you’re unwell, for goodness sake get a cleaner!

Let his mother see what she’s brought up. Hopefully she will give him what for, for his lack of care for you and your feelings.

exactly this!

Focus on getting your surgery and recovering. Then when you are well have a serious think about your options, because a man who cannot even be bothered to load a dishwasher after his sick bed bound wife has cooked for him is an absolute fucking disgrace.
I know its hard to see the house not the way you like it, but you honestly should not give two shits what his mother thinks.

Ask her to help you. That’s partly what family are for. You are unwell. DH isn’t bothered. It’s more a reflection on him if you are unwell.

They should be visiting you as a family, not to judge if the house is to their standards or not! ❤️❤️

Your husband should be utterly ashamed and embarrassed of himself. As a grown adult, he should be able to keep the house clean, prepare food and do the laundry. It's not rocket science. The fact you are immobile and can't do these things, shouldn't be reason to let the house go to rack and ruin!

I fractured my foot OP in October last year, and was on crutches for 3 weeks, with strict instructions not to weight bear. My husband not only had to do absolutely everything in the home, look after me, but hold down a full-time job WFH too. Yes, he was bloody knackered, and yes, it definitely made him realise how much I do in the home but he got on with it, and not once complained.

Your MIL should be asking your husband why he isn't stepping up and doing all these tasks! Somehow I suspect she won't, probably because growing up, she looked after the home, and it's what your husband is used to, the woman doing chores.

Try to focus on you and the children only. Make sure you and they are clean and fed. He needs to start fending for himself and more importantly, being a husband! He lives there too, it's not all on you!! You are a team, he needs to realise that and do his bit and take the load while you're poorly.

If he's doing this now, how will he be when you have the surgery? Don't feel guilty for his inaction. Let everyone, especially his mother, see how he is and as people have said, if she says anything, flip the responsibility on her for not raising a thoughtful man.

How does/did his father behave when it comes to housework and the running of the home? It may the patriarchal home he was brought up in so he sees it as your "role" and his mum was a submissive, sorry, dutiful housewife, so sees no wrong in her darling son's behaviour as well?

Hire a cleaner! If it helps you feel better down the line when the surgery is done- do it. Why is he getting final say? You can make household decisions too.
It'll help you both, even if you book services short term. Yes, it's a get out of jail card for him, which is annoying, so leave it a while and see if things improve. If not, do it for your wellbeing. You deserve that.

Hope surgery goes well when you have it. Hope you feel better soon!! X

It’s not, but this particular woman makes comments about the tidyness and what’s not clean when she comes over so anyone in the ops place would want it crystal clear so blind Freddy couldn’t think otherwise that the mess is the dh. It doesn’t sound like she directs the comments at her son either, so that’s a good reason for why this particular woman too. The tears etc approach suggested is to try and get her on board , shouting at her your son is a useless fucking asshole (the truth) is hardly likely to get mil on side..

Next time you see them you say coolly oh yes, I wasn’t well enough to tidy and clean and dh refused to so he said you just couldn’t come then.

Book the cleaner. Don't discuss it, just do it.