AIBU to be upset my husband is staying out all night?

[jeanpaulpawtre]

So, I'm not sure if i'm just overthinking and being unfair or if this is a valid reason to be upset.
My DH and I have two children who are 3 months and 2 years old, he doesn't work on Fridays, so does most of the childcare then, of course I am around, I breastfeed our youngest but the majority is done by him then the weekend more of a split.

Today is his colleagues leaving drinks, I understood he would be out late, and likely no use for the start of tomorrow, I planned my day around this. But he has just messaged saying he won't make the last train, so is going to stay out, then a few of them will go to the casino to kill the dead hours before the first train. He doesn't usually go to the casino, but I know of his colleagues do.

I'm really pissed off as even if he is being totally honest, this will mean he needs to sleep all day tomorrow, mess up his sleep schedule entirely etc.
More importantly, I have a feeling he isn't being honest, he has a new colleague a younger woman, I know she lives in central London, she is very attractive and I just have this gut instinct that he might not be giving the whole truth, they have been going for lunch/after work drinks together a fair bit the last 2 months and now he is just not coming home?
Not to mention, even missing the last train he could just get a cab home instead of loitering around, yes it would be expensive, but I don't imagine spending time in the casino will be free?

AIBU to be worried and concerned?

I Was going to say YABU until I read about the colleague. Is it just the two of them going for lunch or after work drinks?

Lunch and after work drinks with a woman when he has a wife, a 2 year old and a newborn

Nope!

If it's a colleague's leaving do, I doubt it's just him and the new girl!

You're not being unreasonable tell him to get fcuking arse in a cab home.

Are you friends with any of the other partners Op to check stories?

I used to go to the casino for the free sandwiches

Nothing unreasonable about being concerned, but at the same time this sounds like perfectly understandable on the lash planning for an inebriated gent who has missed his last train and wants to continue the party. I’m sure you’ll have a more informed opinion on whether to be suspicious once you ask him about his night out tomorrow.

So have you had a discussion about his lunch and drinks dates with this woman OP?
You have a tiny baby and a young child but he is spending one on one time with another woman?
Him staying out all night and spending family money in.the casino.would have been bad enough but I think you have every right to be suspicious..
I think you need a conversation with him about boundaries at the very least because even without this unexpected all night absence his behaviour sounds very suspect.

We have spoken about it, he claims it is just because she a connection that would help his career (he wants to move into journalism and she is friends with an editor as she herself writes freelance on the side).

His phone is now either off or dead as I messaged suggesting a cab and it hasn't delivered. I feel my spidey senses tingling.

If he works a proper commute away from where he lives it would be easy enough to lie about who he was having lunch or after work drinks with if he had inappropriate intentions. Do we know if she is single? Also intrigued as to how OP knows she is ‘very attractive’, I mean sure she’s probably on Linked In but nobody says I’ve a new colleague and supplies a surname (company website profile perhaps)?

I'm really sorry OP but I dont see how his explanation justifies him, as a married man with 2 tiny children, having lunch and drinks dates with this woman.

I think you are right to fear the worst.

Who in their right mind wants to get into journalism at the moment? For this alone I think he’s lying!

My honest advice is that the colleague is a red herring (not to be ignored necessarily) but a father of a newborn and toddler is a serious dick for bailing out on you. My now exH used to pull this stunt - infrequently, but it became an infrequent pattern - and I’d feel the mother of all rages at the assumption levels.

Once he said, I’m sure you were worried for me that I was out all night. Nope. I was angry that you were out all night because you assumed it didn’t matter, and it did.

I was also going to say YABU and then I read the rest. YADNBU

OP, he's already made the connection with her, his excuse is lame. He doesn't need to keep going out with her for that reason.

Did he make more of an effort getting ready to go out tonight? Or more of an effort lately with his appearance?

I hope it is as he says, which still isn't ok, but it does sound suspicious, sorry. Do you know any of the other people that are out?

Can you see his location on your phone?

Sometimes it tells you last location and battery life...

Yanbu.

he is insulting your intelligence.
This is nonsense and very honestly nothing good happens after midnight.

I would personally strongly suspect an affair if this was my dh.
This is incredibly out there behaviour for a man with a child and a baby.

Beyond the fact Pregnancy/ post birth is seemingly prime "cheating time" in general for some men.

He is in a casino / hotel drinking with a woman with his phone off.

He picked off out amd just left you to dela with it with no discussion- she dickhead behaviour.

And the bit that really has me is ... There's fuck all money in journalism so God knows why he has chosen NOW (when he has a wife and 2 kids to support) as the moment to "go for it" and follow hsi bliss.... 🫤
My dh tried for 2 years doing it for free on top of his day job (so doing 60-70 he weeks) and was good and found a niche due to language skills and connections and STILL never made more than 10k pa out of it

I would be deeply deeply suspicious and very honestly I'd be quietly securing ready assets for you and the kids... you may well need them.

😂

Any update, OP? When did he come home?

He is using his colleague’s leaving drinks to stay out all night (who knows who with). Loitering in a casino sounds boring as fuck to me, but to him it’s probably more exciting than taking care of 2 under 2, especially as he knows you’ll pick up the slack.

Where women accept the drudgery of raising young children because they know it’s their responsibility as a parent, men think they can opt out. It’s enraging. You need to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud now. No more all-night benders while the children are young, no matter the occasion. Be very firm.

Yeah I would assume he was with OW given the whole situation. 💐

Honestly, if you are at this stage break up. Fucking madness on here. Just people willing on an affair just for their entertainment

I’m struggling to comprehend your logic, if you think he’s having an affair then this is the major issue, not him staying out all night.

He ended up home around 4am as his colleague said he was too drunk and put him in a cab!
Very rough today but apologetic.

Well I'm glad he didn't stay out all night OP.

When he is in a fit state though you really do need to have a conversation about him and this colleague. The fact you don't trust him because of her - quite rightly because his lunch dates and drinks dates with her is not appropriate for a married man despite his excuses - is very serious. And he needs to take measures to regain your trust.

Edited to say sorry @Stoicandhappy I didnt mean to quote you and can't edit the quote out.