Last year I switched my meds (I have anxiety and panic disorder) that I’d been on for 6 years due to depression symptoms. This was situational because of encountering a relative of someone who SA’d me as a child. Something I’d buried deep down for 30 years. I thought my meds weren’t helping as I was at max dose. Changed them and my life has been shit the past 6 months and I’m back on the meds I was on originally, still not better and 4 stone heavier. Go figure.
Just before things went wrong I went for a job interview. As above I was told I couldn’t be kept out of the place that person was (I really could have been), so my option was to change teams or risk coming across this person again. I’d been with my team for 3 years, but I couldn’t risk being put in that situation again. I got the job, then things went wrong and I spent my notice period off sick mainly. I was very unwell, yet I didn’t meet the thresholds for the mental health team. I wasn’t completely well when I started my new job and unfortunately had to go off sick while my meds were changed for a few weeks. I’m in a better place than I was and I’ve been back at work since mid-April. I have picked the new job up very quickly, have had really good feedback and the team is lovely. But. It’s nowhere near as patient facing as I thought, and I spend a lot of the day refreshing different systems waiting for referrals to come in. When I do get to see patients I don’t have the opportunity to build relationships with them or get to know them. It’s been commented on by different members of the team that I’m really quick, often said in a jokey way because I’m usually already on with a referral by the time they’ve seen it. This makes me feel self conscious a bit and I purposely will try pace picking things up.
Due to all of this I have realised that this just isn’t the job for me and I’ve started looking for a new job. Today I had two interviews. One was for a bit more of a specialist area that I’ve had some experience of due to my old job, and the other was essentially my old job with a different team, a job I did very well for 3 years. I’m still not back to 100% so I have pushed myself energy wise to be able to prep and attend these interviews on the same day. I heard back this afternoon from both of them and I didn’t get either one. I wasn’t sure about the more specialist one as I don’t have a wealth of experience in it, though I thought the interview went ok. They’ve offered feedback which I will take. The job I used to do apparently I just didn’t score the highest, though I passed the threshold to be “appoint-able”, so my details will be on file for future vacancies for the next 3 months with that trust. I can’t help but feel a bit defeated and like I messed up changing jobs in the first place. Historically speaking I have quite a good interview to job offer ratio, though I never ever think I’m going to get the job, so maybe that’s not helping. But I am feeling trapped and a bit useless. I miss my old patients, I miss feeling like I’m making a difference and I am feeling embarrassed that I couldn’t get a job I did for 3 years. I feel like I made a mistake changing jobs, as if I wasn’t given that ultimatum I would never have left my old team. Something that happened all those years ago, which has had such an impact on me as a person, ended up being the main driver for leaving and for taking a 6 month detour out of my life, still suffering from symptoms that are distressing at times.
I understand the job market is hard at the moment. I understand that it does largely depend how you do on the day of interview. But I can’t help a part of me hurting and feeling not good enough. I’m starting to dread going into work and at times I feel quite micromanaged. The comments around being “too quick” at picking things up are making me feel a bit crap too..like if I pick things up then others might get annoyed at me as we are all in the same boat waiting. If I can’t even get an offer for my old job I feel like I’m going to be stuck in my current one and it’s going to end up negatively impacting on me mentally, but also from a skills point of view I feel I’ve already started to de-skill. I know I should be thankful to have a job, I guess I’m just feeling a bit down today is all. AIBU to feel this way?