Should I just give up trying to make friends?

[LilacWhisky]

I realise I’m the problem. I’m 46 now and barely anyone wants to hang out with me. I’m a kind person, open and loving and know I would be a good friend if people would let me. This weather makes the loneliness so much worse and I hate that my kids can see that no one likes me/bothers with me.

I’d love to have a garden full of people, eating and drinking and laughing, but no one wants to be my friend!

I’ve tried meet-up, gyms, groups, volunteering etc, I put in the effort and no one is interested.

I accept it must be me, you don’t get to my age with no connections without it being your own fault !

I work from home, have no family and I’m single
so apart from my amazing kids , I’m literally always alone.

Anyone else in this situation? Has anyone felt like this and actually made connections in the world?

(I’m currently
on the pathway to Audhd assessment but I don’t consider this an excuse- lots of ND people have friends!) AIBU

Possibly the social skills you have then? See during your assessment if there’s groups that have people with similar traits etc could help. My bil is the same. Terrible at sainting friendships. A bit too blinded nd always on the go etc

OP - this is meant as constructive criticism - I'm not trying to be rude!

You describe yourself as kind and loving - I'm not sure I'd want a friend who was 'loving'! I have loads of friends despite suspecting that I have some ND characteristics. I made my friends through hobby groups for choirs/art/history etc, and through work.

Do you have interests or hobbies? If so, what are the people in the groups like? Do you go for coffee/lunch etc? If you aren't already in such a group, I'd advise joining something if you can.

Then let things go organically. As I said, I have lots of friends from various parts of my life (school, work, hobbies, parent activities) but I think the trick is to let things happen naturally. I remember being really put off by a woman who latched on to me at the first meeting of some activity and suggested going for lunch...I just wasn't ready! And I didn't particularly feel drawn to her on her own. If she'd chilled out a bit, let us all have a few meetings and get to know each other naturally, I'm sure I and others would have been better disposed to her suggestion. As iit was, she came over to me as creepy and I feared being made into her 'special friend' and cut off from the larger group.

I'm sure you're kind - I'm kind too, despite the frank things I'm saying here! But I don't foreground that aspect of myself. I'd rather appear intelligent, on the ball, quick-witted and funny than kind. In the groups I'm in, I think 'kind' is a given - we wouldn't tolerate anyone who was horrible! So you have to move beyond kind and loving and have something more to offer others. We always have a laugh together - that's the way to go, rather than coming over as soppy.

This is the best, most honest advice I can offer, OP, and it's personal - others may differ. But I've experienced friendships with many different people over many years and it's based on long observation of relationships. The people I'm drawn to are not the anodyne, nice people - they're the slightly edgy, naughty ones who make me laugh. But I emphasise again - I AM nice myself - neither I nor anyone I'm mates with is mean or would tolerate meanness. I just expect that, but look for something extra in a friendship.

Don't give up! Making friends is harder for some than for others but it's really worth persevering. Keep up with hobbies/volunteering/whatever. Make sure you enjoy the activities you choose and they'll be fulfilling in their own right.

Don't rush into forcing a friendship as you'll frighten people off. Let it happen naturally. And carry on the Meetups. Find the right group and over time it will become part of your social network.

How long have you spent at the various activities before giving up on making friends? It takes time to be seen as a regular and I assume with things like the gym is different to making friends during a sit down activity where you can talk more and meet exactly at the same time week due to the organised nature of it (e.g. a weekly art class will be at a set time whereas going to the gym is often flexible).

Completely agree with @CoffeeCantata, friendship needs to flow naturally. It needs to be a slow burn, people get put off by anyone too keen which I know seems harsh but it's just true. See if you can get some chats along over text and be light hearted and casual. People want loyal fun friends who are caring, don't focus on being loving.

What @CoffeeCantata said, broadly. I don’t befriend people because they are ‘kind’ or ‘loving’ — I befriend people because I find them interesting and enjoy their company. And realistically, that will be a minority of perfectly fine people that I meet, and likewise for them. I won’t be for everyone, either. What I’m saying is that you don’t say anything about yourself other than generic qualities of ‘niceness’. That won’t cut it. Who exactly are you? What kind of people do you like? What do you bring to a friendship?

I agree with @CoffeeCantata too. One of my friendship groups is at aqua aerobics. I've got a little group of mates there now. We're used to seeing one another regularly during the week and we go out to lunch every couple of months but it grew slowly and naturally - I've been going for well over three years. It develops over time.

I do not want friends that are positively evil obviously. But what does being kind mean? Quite often it means people are a bit of a pushover and not true to themselves, You do not want friends you argue with but when people don’t have the strength of their own convictions it’s kind of wishy washy and makes others feel on edge, what do you actually like and what have you tried? Because you haven’t said,

If people just agree with me for the sake of it I don’t like it. I’m meeting a friend on Friday, she wants to go to our favourite noodle bar, it’s small and busy but I know she loves it but I am not going in if it’s this hot. So I have told her if it’s too hot we are not going and need to think of something else. A people pleaser would go along with that but be peeved and maybe give off a weird vibe because they are masking their own discomfort. Hence it feeling inauthentic.

I had pastoral care for many adult students who were ND at the University I worked in for many years. They very often opened up to me, it’s because I do not try and hide anything and am straightforward but I have never cared if people like me.

I agree that it takes time. I think it can be daunting when joining a class or club because it feels like everyone is best buddies and has known each other for years. It almost certainly isn’t the case and it just takes a few weeks/ months or sometimes a bit longer to build those relationships.

@LilacWhisky
this is the best advice ever and I couldnt have put it better myself.

i would add. Everyone is busy therefore they have their routines, their friend groups. If you want to break into a few it s on you.
As @CoffeeCantata said, the expectation is everyone is kind and respectful of each other in my friendship groups to.

we would welcome you if you make the effort. Turn up, smile, laugh, bring something on the table and yes let it happen organically. But please dont come in as desperate, a bit of “fake it till you make it” kind of way while still being authentic and genuine. We would be able to see fakeness a mile away. So what I meant is be confident or act like you are (even if you re scared inside that s ok) but not arrogant.

i do believe social skills ought to be taught, like swimming. It is a life skill.

Yes, exactly. I’m not looking for actively evil or cackling maniacs, but ‘kind and loving’ isn’t top of my list as an indicator of someone whose friendship I will seek out. And yes, ‘kind’ on here is often code for far less positive attributes.

Do you by any chance have trust issues OP? Prehaps you arent fully able to open yourself with others.
other possibilities,
ND
too forwards?

nothing wrong with having no friends, but i get the lonely aspect isnt easy.

Im going to assume you are in the UK.

Brits, in general, are much more reserved and suspicious than some other cultures. They start with caution. Which means slow burns are preferred. Interestingly there are regional differences too. Also there has been a huge shift since Covid. The cost of socialising has gone through the roof and people dislike meeting in their homes. Not even play dates are a thing anymore. People are working more so are too tired / time poor.

It’s sad really as a high percentage of people and YP are lonely.

What I am saying is you aren’t wrong, but you aren’t typical. You will find a tribe but it may take longer.

I’ve ended up without many friends as I had to end friendships due to lack of compassion regarding my chronic illness . It’s bloody hard in your 40s isn’t it !
I found a social group on Facebook called Surrey girls which arranges meet ups for people wanting to make new friends - there’s lots of similar out there nationally. Whereabouts are you based ?