to think one of the hardest things to process after being sexually assaulted is sometimes other women’s reactions?

[olaay]

I’ve noticed that even some women who’ve been through similar experiences themselves can still be dismissive, blaming or oddly harsh towards other women. Things like implying you should have known better, questioning your reaction, acting like you should “be over it by now”, or responding with “well I was assaulted too” in a way that feels more minimising than supportive.

I think people imagine shared experience automatically creates empathy, but sometimes it almost seems to create comparison or defensiveness instead. Like because they coped a certain way, you’re expected to as well.

I’m not saying every woman reacts like this obviously, but I’ve been surprised by how little compassion there can sometimes be even from people who know exactly how violating and life-altering it can feel.

AIBU to find that upsetting and confusing?

I think you are totally right and there has been research to show exactly what you have just said. Sounds counterintuitive but can very much be the case in some instances.

There are so many emotions at play. We hold tightly to ‘magical’ ideas that we choose to believe keep us safe. That if we don’t get drunk… if we wear or avoid particular clothes… that it won’t happen to people like us.

I remember when date rape was a new term. Up until then, I think the assumption was if you were on your own with a boyfriend you consented.

The first responses I had when I spoke about what happened to me were absolute classics of denial.