AIBU to think my kid is manipulative?

[Norberta]

My 3.5 year old DS is concerning me. He has always been bright (early talker, articulate, full sentences at 2, can read already only three letter words but could read them at 3).
he is also quite theatrical and emotional lots of big feelings. No biggie though we can handle it.

recently however he has learnt not just to fib but to sort of act? A couple of times recently he has done a whole performance at nursery of “I’m poorly” including apparently lying down listlessly for an hour or so, refusing food at nursery (unheard of for him) whilst I rush to come and collect him only for him to skip home, and have a huge three course supper and be happy as Larry! He’s mugging us off! DH and i both have full time. Stressful corporate jobs so cannot allow this behaviour to bed in. Should I be worried this is a character flaw? How do I manage it while still being sympathetic if he really is unwell?

No advice but solidarity, going through the same with my 2 year old at the minute! She has realised that if she just tells them she wants to come home the answer is no, but if she tells them she feels sick or her tummy hurts then she gets to come home so that is her new go to😂🙃

Get him acting lessons

"AIBU to think my kid is manipulative"

does it not depend on the gullibility of the adults @Norberta?

Our rule is that if you are too ill for school/preschool then you have to stay in and have a nap. Neither of mine nap normally, and when they are actually ill they need it, but if they are just wanting to stay home then they perk up again and suddenly don't feel so ill 😂

Yes I think you’re right we need to make staying at home intolerably dull. The problem is that because we have to try and work around the skiving we resort to tv and obviously that’s really fun as he doesn’t get a lot of tv normally. I think I will start getting a really boring stand in babysitter to force him to stay in his room and lie down when he’s “sick” will cost me in the short term but pay off long term as he’ll soon work out mum and dad aren’t even there and there’s no tv to enjoy.

Mmm it doesn’t seem that way. He sort of gives it a go with anyone and everyone. The nursery owner is quite no nonsense and fierce and he successfully pulls the wool over her eyes…

I don't know whether it's really appropriate for such a young child but we've always made sure it's quite boring to be ill at home. They're not allowed out or to do anything too strenuous or to eat anything exciting. Plain food and rest. We do let them lie on the sofa and watch films but we could make it even more boring if they started taking the piss.

Rules are a bit slacker when they have been ill but are recovering well and just need another day to get up to 100%.

Neither of them enjoy being off school ill but they rest without complaint because they genuinely need the rest.

I wouldn’t say he is manipulative or has a character flaw! But harsh since he’s 3. He’s testing his boundaries which is normal at that age - I would say to nursery unless he has a temp, is sick or has a loose poo or similar probable evidence, leave him to lie down at the side!

Yes I’ll do this. I think I’m catastrophising as I worry he will become a sociopath and join the manosphere

Kids are very switched on at a younger age than we expect, my daughter knows a sick day means a day at home & if she doesn't want to go to nursery she will say "but im poorly" - which i ignore as it isnt true. Manipulative is a strong trait for such a young child - maybe talk to him about being honest & have things outside or after nursery or at normal pick up - of something to look forward to. That being said, my son goes to school with a boy who I believe is extremely manipulative (9years old) - the amount he lies & atttempts to decieve adults s worrying.

This made me laugh!!😂

A couple of times recently he has done a whole performance at nursery of “I’m poorly” including apparently lying down listlessly for an hour or so, refusing food at nursery

The rule for nursery (and later school) is if there is no temperature and no vomiting it's 'see how you go'.

The staff will always call again if he gets worse but do not pick him up for being a bit listless. He might genuinely just be a bit tired or hot. Let them monitor and tell them only to call if he throws up or has a temperature.

He sounds bright and he knows how to play you.
My 3 year old didn't want to go to montessori as he thought it would be better fun to be with me.
I told him sure.
I will be doing jobs and you can play with your lego.
He changed his mind.
He's just messing with you.
Mess back.

Hahaha all kids will try it on if they think it stands half a chance of getting them what they want. I’d tell nursery you’re not collecting unless there’s an actual fever or D&V.

As frustrating as it is, I’m sure he’s fine. Lots of children (and adults) feign sickness to do something else or to avoid something. What I would do if this continues is make his ‘sick day’ as boring as possible. Must stay in bed, quietly, because you’re sick, right? Must have ‘sick’ foods, bananas rice applesauce and toast, because you are sick, right? Make being sick no fun, I certainly wouldn’t just let him act like everything is ‘normal’.

Or win an Oscar!

He's a clever little sod who has found out what works, but he's still a baby.

Ok…

If you’re working from home he may just want to be home because you are, a stand in babysitter and a very boring day or two may knock that thought on the head.

It’s worth remembering that 3 year olds don’t have the cognitive capacity for manipulation in the way it’s traditionally meant. They’re trying to have their needs met as they see it, it’s not a character flaw - you’ve a long, anxious time ahead of you if you label every behaviour you don’t like. They’re children, with childlike processing.

Yeah if he’s so unwell he has to come home, he gets a piece of toast and straight to bed with no tv!

DH and I were watching television one evening after the kids had gone to bed and DD aged 7 just nonchalantly walked in and said 'I'm going to watch television as well'.

We just said, 'Ok' and switched over to a programme discussing the economy. She sat there for about 2 minutes and said 'I think I'll go to bed now'.

Of course he's not manipulative, it’s natural. My nephew at a similar age, when presented with egg and soldiers for breakfast after sleeping at my house, told me very solemnly that his mother gave him two Freddos for breakfast every day.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that kids can recover very quickly from illness. They can genuinely be ill
and then totally fine a few hours later. No idea if this is the case in your situation though!

My 3yo was off with a sickness bug, I had her on the sofa eating plain food and only allowed to watch films. That was days 1 and 2.

Dad had her day 3, lovely day with loads of games and chocolate.

Day 4, back to nursery. I found her trying to make herself sick, wrenching into the toilet. I worried about her being in nursery all day, she came skipping out with a cupcake at collection time right as rain.

Dad is no longer asked to have her on sick days.

All kids learn to manipulate to get what they want. If they can get away with it, they will try it on again. Normal kid development of pushing boundaries, in my opinion.

I can still remember at the age of 3 going near to the boisterous 'older boys' (four year olds!) because I knew they would hit me, and then I'd get a handful of smarties from the nursery workers to cheer me up when I cried. Worked every time!

I remember doing this when I started school. My parents branded me manipulative and a liar but I remember how I felt and in reality I was stressed and overwhelmed and pining for my mum. It's not manipulative, he's just finding a way to get your attention. Just because he may not actually be physically sick doesn't mean he's not distressed and doesn't need you in some way.