Worried about dd & dsil weight

[Feelinhothothott]

I'm going to get flamed for this, but to put it mildly dd & dsil are way too overweight & I'm worried about it. They seem to be getting bigger every year. She says their portion sizes are not massive when they eat at home, it's lack of exercise. They sure make up for it when we go out to eat & we're paying though. We've seen the cakes & bottles of beer & diet coke in their fridge though.
They both have professional, but sedentry jobs.
The worst part is that they have 1 dd. Luckily, she's very sporty & is keeping it off. She's approaching puberty & I can see a bit of baby fat appearing, so hopefully they will keep it at bay.
They do not plan on having anymore dc. I'm worried that they will die fairly young, leaving dd on her own & lonely at a lot younger age than you'd normally be when you lose your parents.
I've talked to her about it before, but it falls on deaf ears. How can I make her see that they need to get a lot healthier, if not for their own sakes, but for the sake of their dd?

The short answer is, you can't do anything about it.

I was always quite a skinny kid, right up until my early 20's when I started putting a bit of weight on. Then DD was born and life changed and it started going on even faster.

My Mum started on at me about it fairly early. "You've put on a bit of weight". "Do you think you need to drink a bit less? "Another takeaway?"

She was right, but she wasn't helpful. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't know already. I knew I was putting on weight, I just didn't care that much at that point, thought I could lose it when I needed to. All her mentioning it did was kick in my stubborn streak to keep eating crap, and damage our relationship a little.

By the point that it actually started bothering me, I'd gained too much and it felt like an insurmountable hill to climb. I made a couple of attempts at losing it, but nothing serious. And then two years ago I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Mum isn't around any more, but I could still hear the "Told you so" from her echoing round my head.

Lost it all in about 6 months, put my diabetes into remission. I've still managed to do myself permanent damage in the mean time though.

In short, you can't do anything about it. You can keep mentioning it to them, but you won't be telling them anything they don't already know. They just don't care about it enough right now to change, and nothing you can say will change their mindset. All you'll do is harm your relationship with your child.

Well, they’re adults and they will know they are overweight. You commenting on it is going to do absolutely nothing. People seem to think that other adults don’t know they’re fat… of course they know. They’re either not bothered or they’ve tried to lose weight and failed. Either way, you’re not going to be able to help.

Their portion sizes will be large and they will be snacking. You could suggest they keep a very honest food diary with weights of the food included etc but I doubt they’ll bother. Or offer to pay privately for them to see a dietitian.

Diet Coke isn’t a culprit btw.

Yes meaning that any weight gain is caused by the actions of the individual after drinking it. Many people manage to drink diet pop and not go on to eat energy rich foods.

Not to your taste? Fine.

But the OP seems to think zero calorie drinks make people fat.

That's a myth. It's biologically impossible for the body to 'expect' sugar based on flavour.

What sort of weight are you talking about OP?

How tall is DD and what do you think she would weigh?

They knew they were overweight before you told them. People don't lose weight because someone told them to. I know you're worried, but there's nothing you can or should do.

Stay in your lane.

They know what size they are. You pointing it out achieves nothing. It’s a matter for them and, possibly, health professionals. Well-meaning onlookers are not invited to the table.

If the child has two parents, why are you only worried about her mother's weight?

Everyone knows the risks of extra weight you don't need to educate nor shame them.

This is very confusing!

Is that daughter and son in law?

I thought it was two women, but I don't think it makes a difference.

Well it IS, because SiL is also used for sister-in-law. It took me a couple of minutes to work out who the OP was talking about.

Of course it’s confusing! Could be sister or son, why can’t people just write the words instead of using ‘d’ and abbreviations. So annoying.

But it's not just flavour. It's artificial sweeteners.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/zero-weight-loss-from-zero-calorie-drinks-say-it-aint-so-2021032222204

I also had to look at it twice, but this forums does use these abbreviations, and I think we naturally assume sil is sister in law. But it also means son in law and it’s the onky terms that makes sense.

i think the op is saying her daughter and partner or husband are gaining a lot of weight and have a unhealthy lifestyle but her granddaughter doesn’t.

Yeah, nothing parents like better than Grandma telling them their kid's looking a bit porky as her female hormones start kicking in.

I appreciate that they are adults and already know, I don't need to tell them.
But it's quite ok in my opinion to be worried for our grandaughter being left on her own years before you'd naturally expect to be; or them relying on her as their carer.

I should have put partner instead of dsil, I can see that would have been clearer.

Don’t be silly. Obese people do, it’s true, have a lower life expectancy. Not sufficiently lower that it is at all likely a child already approaching puberty is going to be orphaned before she’s an independent adult. They might die at 60 or 70 rather than 80 or 90. But you are clutching pearls to claim that will have any impact on you.

“Oxford University research found that moderate obesity, which is now common, reduces life expectancy by about 3 years, and that severe obesity, which is still uncommon, can shorten a person’s life by 10 years. This 10 year loss is equal to the effects of lifelong smoking.”

https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2009-03-18-moderate-obesity-takes-years-life-expectancy

It is true though that obesity increases the risk of disability as well from complications of conditions like stroke and diabetes. As well as just making life generally more shit and less fun (I feel qualified to say this after being obese for 30 years and now not).

It’s still something people have to deal with themselves. I don’t think there is a way for parents to talk to adult children about it that can be well received, unless there’s a really exceptionally open and strong relationship. And you can forget the idea that suddenly making everyone a salad with skinless chicken breasts and fat-free dressing when hosting Sunday lunch is a subtle approach either.

You're right to be concerned. 2 adults allowing eachother to pile on weight like that is concerning. Do you have the capacity to help them in any way if they are open to it?

This comment is part of the reason behind the obesity crisis.