AIBU to ask relatives to raise concerns about my mum directly?

[RabbitAngus]

My mum is still living on her own but has dementia. She has help, and manages ok.
I have a cousin who visits her sometimes. She means well but can be a bit overbearing. (In the past her eagerness to help meant that she tried to control the communication with doctors and nurses after mum was hospitalised after a fall. She leaves all kind of sticky notes (my mum throws them away because that’s not the way we help her remembering things.))

Today my only uncle sent me a message. He wrote that “some cousins visited my mum and noticed that she mislaid her keys. They were worried.” He suggested a panic lock.

My cousin has never mentioned this to me. An occupational therapist assessed my mum at home. They advised a key finder amongst all so she has one of those.

I feel perhaps more irritated than I should… It’s a dear (also elderly ) uncle and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s probably trying to help. But I don’t feel that I owe my cousin an explanation, and it annoyes me that she talks behind our back. AIBU unreasonable to just message my uncle that I would appreciate it when ‘this cousin’ would message my directly, and not cause more unrest for my mum?
Help is appreciated!

Your cousin cannot have legal rights to command communications with a hospital unless she already has the POA? Are you sure you know what is going on?

I would message the cousin directly.

I'm dealing with my Dad who has Alzheimer's and is living alone, this sort of interference would drive me nuts. It's so tricky to manage at the best of times, and I'm sure that like me, you have plenty of systems in place, and specific ways of doing things which your Mum understands and is conformable with. My Dad seems to cope fine until something out of the ordinary happens, or if someone interferes, and which point he becomes very distressed.

I would approach your cousin directly and explain that you are simply trying to keep your Mum's life as straightforward and familiar as you can, for her sake, and that she can contact you directly with any concerns.

That’s the best way to go I think. @UnZenXennial I recognize that, keeping to the same routine also works best for my mother.

I would tell your cousin to stop being overbearing and that her involvement will just confuse your mother more with the different way of doing things.

I just made it clear that all communication should come to me and I expected to be consulted before anyone introduces any new initiatives.

It's mostly worked. In our case though it's friends. The person I care for is young to have Dementia so their friendship group is full of capable retired professional people who all think they have the magic bullet. They also only see tiny snapshots of life and not the chaos that goes on behind e.g one created all sorts of dissent/upset about a move into a care home and my "heavy handed" decision making. Fortunately we didn't quite get to a safeguarding adults referral (about me) but it was headed that way.

The situation isn't helped as they've known me for years so I think they still see the recalcitrant teenager rather than the capable middle aged professional I am now.

Family I can generally control as it's my siblings (and much as we love to moan about each other we are pretty cohesive).

My mum fell and went to an hospital when we were holidaying in France. My cousin lives nearby and used to be a nurse. She was first on the spot and for the nurses she was the easiest person to talk to. But they did call me when decisions had to be made as I’m the only one with legal rights (no siblings).

Legally we have things sorted.
Like @BeaTwix I’m the youngest on that side of the family and there is a big age gap. It feels also like they still see me as a child, and not an adult.
They certainly don’t see what is going on and what efforts my husband and I do to keep things running. We do have help though, and a nurse who specialises in dementia visits regularly. (We are not in the UK)
This nurse has valuable and reliable advice. I will certainly ask her, and I will talk to my cousin directly.

This situation can get really awkward really easily. I was the person at the care home visiting FIL ( I don’t work now and it was local and eased the pressure on DH) with dementia but my DH and SIL had poa - quite rightly. But because I was on the scene the care home would ask me about all sorts - just because I was there - my husband and sil both have very busy jobs and couldn’t always be contacted immediately. Some things I could answer and did but I rarely felt comfortable I was always either feeling like I was stepping on toes or obfuscating with the care home. I must stress my DH and SIL never made me feel that way but it’s inevitable that the carers get used to certain faces and ask opinions from daft stuff like could we change the shower gel to should he still have a shave as he’s now scared of it. It’s tricky and I didn’t always get it right but we did our best all of us. It sounds like some clear boundaries need to be drawn but also maybe they can ease some of the pressure for you just a little? All communication though must come to you - Much love to you OP dementia is rotten.