AIBU to want to go back to my ex after moving out?

[Downtherabbithole34]

To want to go back to my ex.

I have posted bits and bobs about this before.

Basically, me and my son's dad were separated but living together for around a year after infidelity on my side. I was so unhappy and felt so unloved by him..he often would bugger of for the weekend with no thought for me and our sons he was lazy, selfish, never helped with the house or kids. He treated me like a maid and was very much of the opinion that I should just do as I was told. Withholds sex and affection, but expected me to give and get nothing back. I'm not perfect. I know I can be difficult to live with. I have some serious mental health issues and have had for many years which I accept can b exhausting for the other partner.

This led to an encounter with someone that we both know. I came clean and th relationship ended but we continued to cohabit with a view to me moving out when I found somewhere. This time has come and me and DS moved the 50 miles back to my hometown to be closer to my parents.

We've been here a week. We have a lovely house, and have had loads of help and support from my parents.

I feel sad, unhappy, anxious and stressed. Me and DS dad had been together a long time and despite our problems I did love him very much and still do. I know I made a terrible choice doing what I did which ultimately destroyed any chance we had of getting our relationship back on track.

A part of me really wants to go back, I feel bad for our son (he has autism and learning difficulties) he's confused and he doesn't know how what's going on. I miss him and I miss the life we had as in, he was there and always coming home. Sometimes I felt like I hated him because of the way he treated me and I'm sure he feels the same about me.

He's told me today that he doesn't want to speak to me unless it's about our son and he's blocked me on all social media because he doesnt want to see things I'm doing and vice versa because he has feelings for me and it's too hard for him.

This has sente into a spiral of emotion and regret. I don't know where to go from here. I know we cant reconcile for a number of reasons, and my parents have helped me so much financially and everything else with the move I feel like they would disown me.

I'm sat here all alone with our son in this lovely house and I'm still miserable. More miserable that the man I thought I didn't want/need isn't here.

I don't know what to do. Assuming he would have me back, but probably not.

I'm aware how chaotic and self entitled this sounds. I just needed to get this out.

You have some self awareness and you know going back to your ex is a) impractical b) not going to work even if he accepted you. Leaving an unhealthy relationship when you still have feelings for the person is not that uncommon and, unfortunately, it is just something to be endured. You need to be strong, give yourself time and believe things will get better - because they will. Throw yourself into making a lovely home for you and your son and connecting with your local community. Do not sit at home alone with your child! If your ex is having access to your son and your family is willing see if they can do the hand overs to spare yourself the torture of seeing him. Use a parenting app if you are struggling to communicate with him in a positive and neutral way. Have you thought about talking therapy to understand your MH issues and relationships history better? Good luck, @Downtherabbithole34

Assuming he would have me back, but probably not.

'Probably' not?

From what you've said, I'd say definitely not.

Just because it's hard for him to see you moving on and also taking his son with you, doesn't mean he wants to go back to being together.

Thanks for your response. I am undergoing talking therapies at the moment. I've done them many many times in the past to no avail. I have complex mental health issues, mostly anxiety and diagnosed OCD. I am aware and I know that my mental state is greatly impacting the way I'm feeling right now. I know deep down it's impractical to return and I know deep down the damage has been done. I want us to be ok for the sake of our son. I spent such a long time being so selfish and now he's not here I feel like I was living in some alternative reality where I didn't see what actually matters. The fact I've ruined the whole family unit and now my life is completely different. I am struggling a lot being on my own and I'm not sure whether this is the catalyst for wanting to go back.

No, I know it doesn't mean that.

A hundred miles is a long round trip for you to do to facilitate contact with the father, is he going to parent 50/50?

Forget getting back together and focus on co-parenting and helping your child cope, your ex has made it clear he's done. Develop friendships, hobbies and enjoy life.

He is having him two nights a month at his request. That's the amount he feels he can cope with our son.

I'm sorry it's so tough for you. I would recommend trying another therapist and/or a different therapy approach, if that is possible for you. It doesn't sound like you were the only one at fault in the relationship at all - re-read how you described your ex. Speaking from experience, I would work on being happy as a single woman before considering another relationship. You are so much more likely to make a better choice when you are more happy with/in yourself.

I think you’ve got through the hardest bit already and it would be mad to try and get back together. You just have to ride this bit out. I’ve been there. It’s not worth getting back with him, the things he did when you were together which led to your infidelity, were serious things. You can have a fresh start it will just take time. You are bound to feel like you are for a while, as it is a huge thing you’ve been through.