I know this thread will likely be taken down but I had started to write a reply when the previous thread got deleted and I wanted to try to reach the OP bc she was receiving a really hard time for having an affair and it became clear to me why she had had it and that she needs urgent help.
I will summarise what I wrote to keep it as brief as I can. It will be long though so apologies.
With the revelation of losing your sister then your baby I think I’m beginning to understand, OP, why you have written this thread. You want people to hate and punish you because you feel it is what you deserve. But it’s not as simple as just having an affair is it.
The reason you are writing in this cold, detached manner is perhaps bc you have been drinking, but also because you hate yourself and most likely hate everyone else right now.Your other emotions have died. 💐I’m so sorry.
Your sister killing herself wasn’t your fault.
Losing your baby wasn’t your fault.
Your DH let you down at two of the worst times in your life. It was his way of coping but you understandably hate him for wanting to bury his head in the sand and continue with his ‘perfect life’, leaving you to deal with your two tragedies alone. I think your affair started out as a means of escape from all the grief you have endured recently and maybe continued as a way of punishing him. The OM who ‘helped’ you may have been supportive and let you offload your negative feelings, which your husband didn’t, and was what you needed at the time, he may even have developed feelings for you, but I think he saw you as vulnerable at the time and preyed upon you so it is good you ended it with him.
Your sister ending her life wasn’t your fault and you possibly hate her because you saw her as selfishly killing herself, and the fact you are now living with the guilt of not being able to help and therefore save her. Just know there was nothing you could have possibly done. Please don’t blame yourself. You said you thought she was happy, which was what she wanted you to think. Why would you have thought this wasn’t really true? Her doing what she did doesn’t reflect her love for you or those closest to her. She would not have been in the right frame of mind of thinking of anyone or anything other than ending whatever it was she couldn’t face any longer. There is nothing you could have done if she was determined to go through with it. Please stop blaming yourself.
I think the real person you hate in all this is yourself. I think you blame yourself for these tragedies which could not have been prevented no matter what you may think and the affair was a way of punishing your husband for his lack of understanding and support but ultimately yourself - and despite loving him and your children, I think there is a part of you that secretly hopes your life will implode and indeed fall apart with the revelation of this affair as you will both be punished, you will be blamed so you can detach yourself from those around you and you can give in to the despair you have been feeling at long last.
Please, please stop blaming yourself, OP, and seek support urgently. You deserve it no matter what you may believe and it will help you to live your life again, for you and your children. 🩷 Good luck 💐