Feeling a bit useless

[seeminglydull]

This is just a rant and a pity party really.
I feel like I’m not doing very well in any area of my life. I work part time and have a pre schooler and a 13 year old. I struggle to meet both of their needs given the age gap. I’m not a very good wife or more accurately I’m not in a bad marriage, but we have fallen into a rut. I’m not a good cook or homemaker, don’t have an eye for that sort of thing and there are loads of things in my house I wish I could sort.
Im overweight. I’m not good at planning or organising days out. I stress so much about organising things that I just don’t bother.
I was at a friends bbq tonight and she just seems to have it all together. Despite working full time she is a great mum, has a lovely home and was telling us all the great things they’ve planned for half term. She always looks fab and is so warm and lovely, surrounded by a great wider family who do lovely things together. We don’t have that.
I really just feel sometimes like I don’t like the person I am and am finding it hard to change and not feel jealous of others.
Even keeping on top of the basics - work, kids, cleaning, washing seems to take so much time. I probably need to adjust my mindset. Ugh sorry this is a long rant, if anyone resonates I’d love to hear any thoughts or tips. Feeling very down on myself.

Firstly, you are doing fine. You are just stuck in a rut.

Not all of us can be super mum. I can only keep on top of the basics - clean plates, clean clothes, a weekly clean and hover of the house. Things get messy and I'm trying to work on that, but it's a gradual process and I've resolved myself to never having a show home!

You have a partner, and they are just as responsible for your life and living conditions. It doesn't all rest with you. Maybe if they work full time they can't match what you do, but they can definitely contribute.

Your older DC can also be taking on some house jobs, and your younger DC can be taking some responsibility for smaller tasks.

I would just say that other people will see you very differently, so cut yourself some slack. I bet most people feel at least a bit of this at least some of the time. You would probably think from the outside though that they were smashing it.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Just remember things can only get better from this point since you have acknowledged that you are stuck in a rut. Don’t try to change everything at once. Pick a few things you want to work on. So make a list of things you could do around the house to make it look better, even if it is just de-cluttering and tidying up. Having tidy surroundings will make you feel like you accomplished something. You say you are overweight, but not by how much. You also don’t mention your age. Is this something you want to improve. Since you work part time can you use the good weather to go on more walks with your pre-schooler? You don’t have to be a great cook but you can look up healthy recipes and try something new for a change. Also worth starting a journal. Write down 3-5 things you are grateful for. Changing your mindset can change your life! Chin up, onwards and upwards!

Oh OP, I feel you. I feel similar. I have 2 primary aged DC, and I look at my next door neighbour who has 2 similar aged kids, her house is immaculate, garden immaculate, always looks nice etc.
Me? House a shit tip, can't keep a plant alive, meal planning is the bane of my life and is exhausting to the point I am thinking of just signing up to a meal prep delivery! I'm never on time for work because I can't get myself up early enough to get the kids ready without meltdowns, because each night I fail myself by going to bed late (because I just need that alone time!). Then I'm tired, aaand the cycle continues. I've lost a bit of weight recently by secretly taking weight loss injections (yup can't even do that the normal way) but all my clothes still look absolutely fucking shit!

The thing that does make me feel better is sometimes pointing out that not everyone else has it together, even if they look like they do. And even if they do, would you want to be like them? For example, the next door neighbour I'm jealous of. They spend hundreds of £££ recently on having some professional work done on their grass, to make it look greener and thicker. I mean... how sad do you need to be to be that bothered about your grass? I'd much rather spend it on a day out. Our grass? Has a huge bare mud patch where the swing is. Next door aren't allowed one because it would ruin their grass! The kids aren't allowed sand or water play because it's too messy.

Honestly? I'd rather have my life. My kids can be free, they can get messy, have fun and be kids.
As for everything else - I work in a professional job which is really fucking hard and emotionally draining. Then I come home and deal with the kids. OF COURSE I don't have brain space for meal planning, looking good, and other shit.
Being at home with the kids? Even LESS brain space! They are relentless! I have one day off with them tomorrow and I know I won't get a single second to myself, and no matter how fast I tidy, it will still be messy because they mess it up quicker than I can tidy! Don't even get me started on washing.

Give yourself a break. Life is hard, we do our best. Take the shortcuts. Prioritise the things that really matter, fuck the rest.

Thank you, some really kind comments. I think I am just a certain way and I don’t know if I can change. Example - my friend just always looks great because she knows how to dress herself well, also has a great eye for interior design hence her house looks brill. These are things that I’m just not very good at. I have other qualities, I know. It’s just hard to see them sometimes when you’re feeling down on yourself.
Im 40 and I’m about 11.5 stone but I have struggled with my weight for years and it’s getting much harder to shift it these days.
Dh is good, he does his fair share between working full time and being the main breadwinner. But we have definitely fallen into a rut with one another, fault on both sides for that. What I would say is that friends Dh is very hands on and often suggests/initiates these great half term activities with the dc whereas my Dh would much rather be at home and I have to plan and suggest everything which can be draining.
Im trying very hard not to compare because I love my friend and I know comparison is the thief of joy anyway.

Style wise, I love to go to charity shops and try something new - if it works great, if not, you can donate it again without too much loss.

What kinds of style make you excited? Would you like to include a couple of things that are on trend, or have a certain look youd love to have? Remember a lot of successful people have a 'uniform' of outfits they know suit them. If you are lucky enough to have boobs and a bum, then anything that comes in at the waist will make you look like a goddess, but making that change can take a leap of faith!

If you like the rock chick look, you just need black jeans and black t shirts, and a pair of kick ass ankle boots with buckles you can get on Vinted.

Want to get your hair done on a budget? Check out your local college whete students needs models.

What would you love your style to be?

Are you good at your job? Maybe you and DH would work better if he did part time and you did full time.
I've got a big age gap and it can be tough but dividing up time can help. Leave one with DH and do an activity with the other. Have some time with 13yo when little one is in bed.
For style and interior design check out Pinterest for ideas and search up ideas online. Get a shopping app and browse regularly to find what you like.
Take up some exercise for your wellbeing as well as your weight. Maybe there is something you and the oldest DC could do together.

A lot of what you’ve said resonates with me! Not being a good cook or homemaker, stressing when having to organise things, finding it challenging just to keep on top of the basics…also, my part-time admin job that fits around school hours - which is great - is actually quite full-on and mentally exhausting.

Lately, I’ve been cutting myself some slack and accepting I have a certain amount of energy after work and meeting my child’s needs, and I can only manage so much. Also, I am who I am!

My home will never look polished but I’ve been focused on decluttering one step at a time - even just a corner of a room, like a bookshelf or a cabinet, or my wardrobe. I write down jobs in a notepad (don’t need anything else in a bloody app!) and tick them off once done. Just one thing a day, or even every other day, and I feel better. My house still gets messy but I just congratulate myself on a bit less clutter in one area at least!

I keep my wardrobe fairly simple now and dress in what is comfortable and flattering on me. I certainly don’t try to copy or keep up with anybody else style-wise. Don’t follow fashion trends at all - it’s just what suits me. Is there a splash of colour you could add to brighten your wardrobe? (For me it’s mustard yellow/burnt orange/khaki green). I’m also one for buying variations of the same flattering top/bottoms in a few different colours just as my go-tos.

I’m not too good on the exercise front, I’m afraid, but is there anything you’ve leaned into previously that you could make a bit of time for? Zumba, yoga, Pilates - I’m sure there are loads of short videos on YouTube or similar that you could fit into your day in the comfort of your own home to begin with? (That’s probably where I need to start too!).

Not sure if any of the above is all that helpful, but just wanted you to know you’re not alone in feeling like this and even those who appear to have it all together won’t have it together all the time!

Never compare yourself to other people as it will only make you feel like you fail and make you miserable.
Overthinking about getting everything perfect such as days out etc are really not worth worrying about!
Just being a good mum is enough.

Some people can look like they excel at everything but in life everyone has their flaws! If you can't cook as well as you like ...well who cares, if you want to cook then find a book that's directed to aid kids to cook ( it shows ingredients and easy methods) I have it somewhere but cannot remember what it's called .
Concentrate on what you can do rather than what you can't.
And the best of luck, I can't help with being overweight as ive never tackled that myself in my many years of losing and gaining!