If I die, your dad would just drink himself to death

[Whereisthegrassgreener]

My 73 year old Dm said this the other day about my Ddad, 77 (he was out)
We were talking about their house and if they would sell/downsize soon
Mum was saying how if she goes first, dad wouldn’t sort the house as he’d just drink himself to death
He isn’t an alcoholic but likes a drink and Dmum helps to control this. He’s a responsible man, but adores my mum and likely wouldn’t cope

This comment has really worried and bothered me since and I wish she hadn’t said it. I would also feel angry if that is what was to happen as what about us, his children and his grandchildren

Mine would too. I think it’s more common than you’d think.

Why borrow trouble?

My mum says the same. I think it makes her feel important. I don’t pay much attention to it…

Look up alcoholism in the elderly as pp says it happens alot. Honestly though why worry and get angry ( really ?) about something that hasn’t happened and might never?

I try hard not to plan/worry too far ahead. I know it’s hard

Reverse with mine - my dad died of cancer and yes my mum is drinking herself to death

@Whereisthegrassgreener
Your DM is asking you to sort out her affairs with her just in case do you think? I talk openly to my DCs financially.
Sorry for your troubles. 💐💐💐

I've never heard this before.
What exactly does it mean?

My mum always said that if she died first my dad wouldn't be able to manage the house and the finances, and when she was dying I was worried that he might hit the bottle hard afterwards once the funeral was over. But his alcohol consumption, which is a little higher than the recommended limit and mostly takes the form of a generous measure of whisky at bedtime, hasn't changed, and he has routines for everything. I think he'll be fine provided he doesn't lose his cognitive function or the use of his car.

DF would have been the same. He also had no idea how to do any life admin. He had never had a bank account, and had no idea how to pay bills or do a food shop. His own DM enabled this, and then my mum took over. He also drank anyway.
He died a few months ago, and as awful as it sounds, we are all grateful in a way that he was the first to go.

Never borrow trouble from tomorrow.

= don’t look for problems that don’t yet exist.

This happened with my MIL’s parents. He died, after years of caring for him after strokes she took to drinking brandy in the mornings and through the day. To be honest she seemed pretty happy and died peacefully in her sleep, it’s never really been a sad tale in the family. She lived happily without boundaries.

He could also meet someone else and live a happy life.

If it's any consolation, the chances are that your dad would die first (unless your DM is in ill health).

What do you mean when you say what about his you and his grandchildren?
If you mean that you should be enough for him to want go live well, I understand that pretty well as someone who's parent attempted suicide after separation. At the same time, you have your own life now. It's not comparable to his wife who he shares his life with, and in this case manages his alcohol use and health.
If you mean you will be left picking up the pieces, again I understand that would be very difficult but you do need to be prepared for him not being the person you can lean on when you're grieving your mum. Try and ensure you have your own support network away from the family to get you through it.

I recommend alanon for you and mum OP x

Well if he’s already a drinker he’s not likely to outlive your mum anyway. Try not to worry.

You say he’s not an alcoholic. But if he needs another adult to control his drink intake then yes he is.

I mean that as much as I know it would be extremely hard for him, it seems selfish to sit there letting everything go to shit and drinking himself to death when he has children and grandchildren who will be upset to see him that way
Sorry if that sounds harsh
I’m
very sorry for your loss x

Not to control exactly but he goes through phases of drinking more, then not much. With Dmum gone, I think he just wouldn’t care anymore

My PIL will be the same. FIL is 20yrs older and not in great health. We pretty much know that in the very likely scenario he passes away first, my MIL will be very close behind him. She has been a functioning alcoholic for probably 30 years, and he definitely controls her drinking to the best of his ability.

It's crap because she has grandkids from 0 to 14, 5 kids, pets etc that she does love. However, i genuinely don't know how she'll function on a daily basis without him.

We don't dwell on it though. A marriage is just a different type of love when your kids are grown and have their own kids and lives.

OP i am so sorry.

Try not to worry. You probably cannot change your mum or your dad now. They are living their way, it's their choice to some degree.

AND Unless your mum is ill or a lot older than your dad it is very likely your mum will outlive your dad.

I am sure your lids abd family are great, Spoiler focus on them. It does sound like your dad is an alcoholic and your mum has made peace with this.

It doesn't sound harsh at all.
Unfortunately grief often is selfish and people forget they're not the only ones going through it. That's why it's very important to try and have people around you who aren't grieving.

Phases of drinking more.
Still sounds to me like someone with a drinking problem.

My DF is drinking himself to death, and I do feel angry op. That the drink has been more important than his grandchildren for the last 20 years. But nothing we can do.