AIBU to feel drained when my child resists giving me space to rest?

[Angels1111]

Annoyed tonight and need to vent but DS(7) isn't asleep yet so I can't do it out loud...
....
We went out for the day yesterday to an event he wanted to go to in London. A full day out. He was in a pram for a lot of it (has a disability) but I was obviously walking. We had a really good time.

Today I sorted stuff in the house out in the morning during which time to be fair DS entertained himself willingly (this has taken training over years!) then had a water fight and read books together. Then I said I wanted to rest for a minute and he shouted at me that he wanted me to play more.

We had a conversation about giving people space to rest when they need to etc etc (which took energy 🤦‍♀️) and ate into the time we had, so by the time we were leaving to go to my parents house I didn't actually get time to rest. At some point he complained to my parents that I'd given him a lecture in the morning and I felt ashamed, as I was just trying to help him understand other people's needs.

I have felt really triggered by this all day. I feel like nothing is ever enough. I feel nervous to spend time with him because as soon as I want to stop he protests. I feel ashamed I get tired and wish I had more energy. I feel like I'm not "allowed" days out or to do workouts in the holidays because if I need extra rest the next day I'm shouted at. Then I feel ashamed about that because it's clearly not a logical response and I used to have good mental health but that feels far off now and I don't even know where it broke and how to fix it. We clash over this topic quite a lot because I played on my own a lot as a child / wanted my own space and can't relate to demanding constant connection and would have found it irritating. I know it comes from a good place - he loves our time together and wants more of it - but also feel like I'm never meeting the mark.

I know it's completely unrealistic for a 7 year old to show gratitude for the day out and it's natural for him to feel sad the water fight ended rather than understand that I'm tired, but I just feel so unseen right now.

(Single parent).

I mean you are a parent of a child with a disability. I share your pain but this is life.

That sounds tough. You’ve probably already tried it but could creating a visual schedule for the activities and rest help? You could do it with him at the beginning of each day or have a set a schedule.

What do you mean by rest? Like actually sleep? Can’t you rest with him? You sit with a cuppa in front of the tv or with music/yoto on for him? If you mean scroll on your phone then it’s unreasonable, if you mean take a break/sit down, then, no, at 7 he heeds to understand that. With younger kids you don’t get a second!

That's a good idea. I think it would have really helped if I'd told him in advance

What helped me when mine were small was to remember that I was in charge.
Your parenting style and his disability and its impact will dictate how to appropriately respond to being shouted at for refusing to play. However you should 100% not feel guilty.
A conversation isn’t always needed. Sometimes an instruction is sufficient. Think about school - the kids are not always told why to do something with and explanation. I would stop these conversations- he is too young.
All children complain their grandparents/to the other parent because children are pretty inately selfish and want their own way most of the time.
You have no reason to feel ashamed. But a simple "mummy is tired and so she needs to rest“ is enough. And your parents should be backing up your parenting choices. Unless they are completely unreasonable which in this situation they clearly were not.
Please do your workouts/days out etc. It’s good for children to learn they cannot have their own way all the time. You don’t mention his level of cognition related to his disability.
You are the Mum and set the rules. He cannot be in charge as he is too young and it won’t help him.
Maybe a more set routine might help over time to adjust expectations? Eg you always exercise 2:00-2:30 unless you are on a day out. Or it’s a set time in the day for you.

I just wanted to switch off and stop running around for a bit / read a book maybe. Would have been happy listening to a book together but he wanted more connective play. He doesn't like watching TV/movies so that's not an option.

I think I find it hard to relate because my mum spent very little time actually playing with us as kids. She did the housework, then generally took us out somewhere where we then entertained ourselves (playground/soft play/play dates/theme parks/swimming etc) ...her role was more facilitating play than actually playing.

Yeh I think this is really important for me to remember. And setting a schedule too.
His disability is completely physical, he is okay cognitively.
Although due to the level of physiotherapy/occupational therapy he has had, he's not had as much time exercising the "self entertainment" muscle as other kids his age.
Good point re not always receiving an explanation at school...he actually found reception hard because he was used to everything being explained to him, and we thought we were helping but clearly not 🤦‍♀️

I think you need to be very firm. I’m sitting down for half an hour. I’ll play with you at 2pm. If he shouts at you then you need to say you won’t do XYZ with him if he continues. Follow through with consequences. You need firm boundaries. You haven’t mentioned if his disability impacts his behaviour, but even if it does you need firm boundaries, but you may need professional support in how to assert these.

my 3 year old does craft at the table while I lie on the sofa for 30 mins while her brother naps. She knows I’ll chat to her, but I’m lying down!

Also, I am very clear about what is ‘a Jenny choice/decision’ and what is a ‘mummy choice’ she doesn’t get to make all the decisions, I will tell her when it’s up to her. Eg when she says she doesn’t want to sit at the table to eat I tell her they isn’t a Jenny choice to make.

Thank you, really good reminder

While you had a big day yesterday it doesnt sound like there was much this morning- he played by himself then a water fight - it actually doesn’t sound like there was a whole lot of play together in the day - kids don’t see it like we do ….that we had a big day yesterday so today is chill - he will see it as I played by myself then mum had a water fight and that’s all!!

I think a visual image and a count down clock will help set expectations “ok mummy is going to relax for 20 minutes then we play”

Also do you have a consistent routine such as playing/ going out together in the morning then after lunch is independent play while mummy does housework ( wink wink “lie down “)

Sounds like you're doing a great job, being a single parent is hard. Have you ever given him a time warning, re in five minutes I need to stop. Could you say in five minutes I need to do housework. Then instead of walking away from him and spending time on what you want you're perceived as doing something for the house, then you can stop after five minutes and have you time. Could you implement something called "me time/magic time/rest time/brain growing time/quiet time" whatever you want to call it, where you're both having some down time. Could he have special Lego, Playmobil, stickers, colouring books, reading books that he gets out and you're in the same room doing whatever you want to do. Would a sticker chart motivate him for "calming down, listening and resting". Would he lie next to you and read? Maybe figure out if there's something that would work for him and present it as an exciting idea with a benefit to him. Good luck, you really do sound like an amazing mum and it's good for you to be selfish and good for him to be able to entertain himself sometimes. Have a sticker for yourself 🌟

X

Yeh I do recognise this. It's a guilt I feel every holiday because we might have big days out but during the in between days I need time to catch up on the housework /rest and he does get less connection even if we make housework part of the play etc.
The water fight was an hour! And we read books together too.
Part of his anxiety was probably also knowing we're going to grandparents in the afternoon so he'd have to "share me" (though actually they are very attentive to him and we barely talk).

We get into a good routine for longer hols but it was the first day of half term and we're out of practice

Thank you!
I needed that sticker :)
I think the problem is he'd already entertained himself that morning and he was hoping/assuming that was it ...I hadn't pre-communicated that after the long day we were going to have a low key morning at home...longer holidays we get into a better rhythm and I remember that if I need a lie down the best thing is to invite him to join me /do housework together so the times I really do need to be alone he then does entertain himself better. We're out of practice :)

It sounds like you are overfilling your time beyond your capacity. As another poster said yesterday does not feature with children that age. I completely agree that you are allowing him far too much scope for negotiation with all of that explaining to him. That just allows kids to find holes to pick in your logic.

It is absolutely exhausting, you have my sympathy.

He 7 now and getting older. I personally think you need to get some outside expert advice at this stage. He is old enough to start learning that shouting at anyone is totally unacceptable. Unless he is in absolute agony and suffering pain there should be no shouting. How long before he transfers this behaviour to school. You are a short number of years off the teens and I honestly think you are storing up trouble. Learning how to respect each other is a valuable lesson and being totally available for play all day is unrealistic.

Yeah mine would be the same (although no disability). I work in education so have had to set some pretty firm boundaries during the school holidays over the years. They know that we do one ‘big thing’ for them each day e.g picnic, trip out, McDonald’s and they also have 2 hours of screen time each day, the rest of the time they are expected to entertain themselves. I make sure we have craft bits etc available and things set up in the garden to try and facilitate it. We also eat all 3 meals together which breaks it up a bit too. It’s always a hard transition with lots of ‘I’m bored’ for the first week but we all adjust and I do feel I get to rest for a couple of hours each day while also staying on top of the house and spending quality time with them x

Ots worth considering why you felt shame because your 7 yo told your parents he’d had a lecture?

Giving a lecture to a 7 yo is perfectly normal parenting.

How did your parents respond? Did they back you up?