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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to insist on texts only with my ex about selling?

19 replies

ThatHangryJadeFox · 25/05/2026 15:23

Ill try to keep this short. Me and my ex split 2years ago and have 3 kids. He moved into his mums empty 4 bed property (that he paid no bills or rent/mortgage for) whilst I stayed in the flat with the kids. He has never had them overnight, doesnt take them out and until a few weeks ago didnt even have car seat for them. He just pops into the flat when he feels like it with no schedule or pre arrangements and claims we are great at co parenting but that's mainly because I ignore all his shitty behaviours. He does pay his half of the mortgage and was kind enough to not force me to sell the flat until I started my new job and was more financially stable which I do appreciate. To add he has also neverpaid child maintenance and doesn't financially contribute towards the kids at all.

Due to his behaviour over the years I decided to go no face to face contact with him as he would deny being told about stuff to do either the kids and would accuse me of lying, and numerous times would mention I was ruining his life with his new girlfriend as I hadn't sold the flat. So I decided text messages meant everything was documented and he couldn't claim he wasn't told etc and it has made my life so much better and I am so much happier. The flat is on the market and we have finally had an offer made on Friday (its been on for awhile) and I've communicated this through text messages and asked him if he is happy to accept or does he want to counter offer. I need an answer by Tuesday (tomorrow) and he has completely ignored these messages and just keeps saying we need to talk in person and refses to answer. Hasnt even filled out his details or completed any of his bita for our solicitors. He knows full well that I do not want to see him in person but It adamant it needs to happen.

Would you suck it up and meet him in person or stick to communications via text messages? He thinks I'm being unreasonable. He was desperate to sell the flat and is now making it incredibly difficult. I know full well he is doing this to take control of the situation and will try to force his way back into my life if I meet him in person. He is a narcissist and has made my life miserable for years. On numerous occassions over the years tried to get back with me despite him having a girlfriend. And consistently would push any boundaries I set to try and get control again. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and do it to get the flat sold? My family thinks I should just meet with him and get it over with. But I know if I agree he will just continue to use this as a way to get to me in the future. Any advice?

Just to add I did suggest for him to buy me out of the property as I know he's got savings and can afford to but he refused. Unfortunately I can't afford to buy him out.

OP posts:
TSW12 · 25/05/2026 15:36

Could you meet him at the solicitors if it moves things along a bit. Make sure you are never alone with him and as you probably can't record the meeting make sure you take notes.

BeautySimplified · 25/05/2026 15:41

Under those circumstances I agree with the PP and suggest a joint appointment at the solicitors, he’s still trying to control you.

frozendaisy · 25/05/2026 15:41

I would stand your ground and say no we can communicate by text or solicitors office on your account.

And repeat “I am never communicating with you face-to-face one-to-one ever again you are just wasting all of our time asking”

DelphiniumBlue · 25/05/2026 16:57

How much do you want to sell the flat? Only you can know if he wants to sell more than you do.
What are your thoughts about child maintenance? I'm wondering why you are accepting that he doesn't pay it. Are you thinking that his payment of the mortgage is meeting his obligations towards the children? Because I don't think it is..
It would seem that it is very much in his interest to sell, so the fact that he is delaying is odd. I would go quiet for a few days. Maybe tell the agents that you are happy with the offer but they will need to get his agreement too. Too much delay will put off the buyer, but you can probably afford to sit tight for a few days and see what he does.

BruFord · 25/05/2026 17:00

Yes, meet at the solicitor's or agree over text. You need a neutral witness and/or everything in writing. Good luck.

BillieWiper · 25/05/2026 17:01

Well it's him who claims his life is ruined if you don't sell?! So surely it's him who'll suffer by ignoring the offer?

Also why or how does he get away with paying no bills for his own house? I know no mortgage but what about utilities etc?

Anyway he's a knob. Just say no I'm not talking f2f. I'll communicate with solicitor if necessary.

Evaka · 25/05/2026 17:03

God what a prick. Good advice from previous posters, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this shit.

ThisGoldFawn · 25/05/2026 17:06

Why isn’t he paying child maintenance? You should have sorted that out a long time ago

HildasLostSock · 25/05/2026 17:08

Can the agent ask him/communicate instead about the offer? Say to the agent that you are willing to accept the offer (if you are) but please can they ask your ex directly whether he agrees because the sale is due to you splitting? I have no experience of this but it can't be the first time they've come across this sort of thing. Best of luck.

Flapjak · 25/05/2026 17:14

He kindly paid his half of the mortgage - which he has a legal responsibility to pay - but didn't pay any child maintenance - once you sell the flat I would be going via CMS

BruFord · 25/05/2026 17:54

HildasLostSock · 25/05/2026 17:08

Can the agent ask him/communicate instead about the offer? Say to the agent that you are willing to accept the offer (if you are) but please can they ask your ex directly whether he agrees because the sale is due to you splitting? I have no experience of this but it can't be the first time they've come across this sort of thing. Best of luck.

@HildasLostSock That's a great idea.

HoskinsChoice · 25/05/2026 18:05

ThisGoldFawn · 25/05/2026 17:06

Why isn’t he paying child maintenance? You should have sorted that out a long time ago

He's paying half the mortgage so probably paying well over what she would get if she went through the formal route. Obviously once the house is sold, she will need to claim maintenance.

HoskinsChoice · 25/05/2026 18:08

Flapjak · 25/05/2026 17:14

He kindly paid his half of the mortgage - which he has a legal responsibility to pay - but didn't pay any child maintenance - once you sell the flat I would be going via CMS

He's 'kindly paying half the mortgage' is maintenance. The non-resi parent doesn't pay maintenance AND half the mortgage.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/05/2026 18:11

He's not going to agree to any of your terms so there's no point suggesting meeting at solicitors office, etc. as he won't do that. This is about control.

I would leave it now. If he refuses to answer, that's up to him. There is no point starting the whole selling process if he's going to be awkward about it the whole way through.

ByGraptharsHammer · 25/05/2026 18:20

What you do is pass as much of this to the estate agent and the solicitors as you possibly can. They get paid if you sell, so they have the incentive. You pass his details on to them with a nice breezy email about how he will confirm and cut yourself out of it.

Btw I know the agony of dealing with someone like this, it is draining but you need to keep your boundaries up and others involved. The more attention you give, the worse they get.

Firefly100 · 25/05/2026 18:52

How much do you want / need to sell? I’d call his bluff if I could and if necessary let the sale fall through rather than meet him face to face. It’s a power play from him. I like the idea of meeting at the estate agents / solicitors only and letting them do as much of the work as possible too.

ThatHangryJadeFox · 25/05/2026 20:18

Thank you for your advice. So he doesn't pay child maintenance as he was paying half the mortgage and said he shouldn't have to pay both which I thought was fair enough considering it would have been around the same amount. But was looking to apply for it once we sold the flat.

So I think I've caused some confusion with the solicitors they are only online to so the conveyancing and legal stuff In regards to the flat and I cant see them in person. They've already said if things aren't amicable between us then they can't represent us. I've chased him several times to fill out his part of the forms but he hasn't and they need to be completed and signed in order to move forward with an offer anyways.

I took your advice and called his bluff and he has said to just sell it for what they've offered which is really low compared to the guide price. Offer of 170 and guide price is 185 already dropped from 200 at my exs insistence as he wanted it sold asap. I am desperate to sell but it leaves me with little to nothing to put a deposit down on somewhere new to live. its been on the market since february and this is the only offer weve had. So not sure if I should push it and ask if I can counter offer? He doesn't have the issue of worrying about money or deposits, as he has savings from years of financially hoarding his money and already has a place to leave with no bills etc. But I know he'll be pissed if the customer pulls out because I've tried to counter offer.

OP posts:
ByGraptharsHammer · 26/05/2026 13:35

You can’t do this kind of stuff to yourself. If you cannot afford to accept the offer then you can say no. Why are you chasing him in these circumstances? You should have told him this upfront. You are making this worse.

You can say no on your own account to this offer. Or do you agree with him. You have to decide.

BlueMum16 · 26/05/2026 13:50

If you think it's too low then ask them explain to the estate agent you'd like nearer the asking price.

You have his agreement for the low price but if you are not in agreement that counts too.

If and when you do accept tell the estate agent to keep marketing it until the buyer has a survey and are in a position to proceed (assuming they are a first time buyer).

Personally I'd find a local solicitor as this could get messy.

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