Dh not bothered about sex

[bunglebear5]

Love my dh very much, overall we have a good marriage although have fallen into a bit of a rut due to not getting a break from the dc.

He is 12 years older than me and has some ED issues which means he takes Viagra and between the kids and this, sex tends to be pre planned. When we do it (once or twice a month) it’s very good but a bit vanilla and follows the same script each time. Outside of this we rarely talk about sex and I get the feeling sometimes it’s something he could live without and is just doing it to keep me happy.

If ever I mention scheduling an extra night in he’ll say something like ‘I’ll see how I feel’ and it’s just like he has zero enthusiasm or desire for it. If I try to bring up a conversation he doesn’t engage almost like he’s embarrassed to talk about sex in general.

On the whole I can live with this, we have a good life and I know due to his ED issues and life in general that compromises have to be made. But the lack of enthusiasm and excitement gets to me at times. I don’t have a high sex drive as a rule but I’m pretty sure I’m in peri and I’ve noticed during my ovulation week I am ridiculously horny and it’s during this time I find myself getting very frustrated.

Can anyone resonate? Any tips on talking to Dh about how I feel? This has become the norm and any perceived criticism makes him quite defensive. I’m not the most confident in the bedroom and him even less so so it’s tricky.

Not a lot of advice for you I'm afraid, as I'm in the same boat with my DH (6 years older than me). We have had sex about 2 or 3 times in as many years. He doesn't have ED, but just zero sex drive. I could live without sex, but the main issue for me is lack of any touch/intimacy...I really miss this closeness. I can only advise being open and honest with how you feel, even if he gets defensive. We have had so many chats about this, and I have made it clear how unhappy I am...nothing has changed. I've asked him to go to the GP in case of underlying medical issue- he won't. Would your DH consider couples counselling- I'm thinking about suggesting this as a last straw, otherwise I can't carry on in this marriage.

That sounds very hard. 1-2 times a month is a lot compared to what you’ve described and generally after I’ve ovulated I can’t be arsed either so it’s not a problem! It’s just during that one week I wish I had someone who was a bit more up for it!

I don’t think counselling would go down well as he can’t even speak openly with me about it. I don’t know if it comes from a place of embarrassment about his ED? This may also be what your dh is struggling with but feels to embarrassed to tell you?

I was in a relationship where my OH just wasn't interested. I found it so frustrating. We didn't talk about it. He later went off with someone else- for the best as there were many other issues. In my next relationship we openly chatted about sex- refreshing and far more satisfying. I understand what you mean about the lack of intimacy. Hope you find a solution OP.

He’s very loving and tactile in other ways. I sometimes wonder if I tried to spice things up a bit would it make a difference? But as I said I’m not hugely confident myself and his overall lack of enthusiasm makes me feel even more self conscious.

I know this won’t be helpful but if he has very little interest in sex then once or twice a month is a huge compromise on his part. At the end of the day I think it depends on whether you can live with this or not.

@bunglebear5 how old is your DH?

I was on a thread earlier were a man said the same thing, he was pulled apart with mumnetters.