Thinking of leaving partner

[WorthyPombear]

I am thinking of leaving my partner and I have explained this to him. I am 30 weeks pregnant and we have a toddler too.

I am utterly overwhelmed. Since we had our eldest his parents and especially his mum has become more involved in our lives: they turned up on our holiday last year without asking or being invited, she is a hoarder and will constantly bring things over for "our house' or for the kids, e.g. when I was pregnant, I very politely asked that she didn't buy a second hand car seat for safety, and she bought 5 secondhand car seats! I came home from work on Friday to find she bought our daughter a dress, clothes, 3 pairs of shoes and makeup and had cut her hair and fed her lots of junk food. Our daughter loves healthy food but she is obsessed with feeding her cakes and sweets, and now lies about what she's fed her as she knows I don't agree.

It doesn't matter how much I ask it to stop or explain the reasons, nothing changes. I feel the same with my partner- he talks but nothing changes. He repeatedly says that I feel very strongly because I'm a mum. AIBU? I feel so alone and scared. He does not stand up for our daughter or me, and when he has spoken to her in the past, he will say it's because it bothers me, rather than because we don't want to parent her that way.

your partner and his family have a emeshment problem with no boundaries, i can tell you it will never get better, he will never stand up to is mother. your options are
1 leave him
2 you tell his mother/family straight and set boundaries and every time they are broken you reaffirm them
3 you politely accept her gifts then donate them to a charity not in their area
i would have a real issue with the fact she cut her hair, i would tell her straight dont ever do that again. goto chatgpt to get it to help you word and set boundaries

You still slept with him and made a second after all this?!?

I would have gone ballistic if my in laws rocked up announced on my holiday - so disrespectful of your partner.

Be aware if you split time with dad will be time with MIL without your watchful eye

Ask him why he doesn’t feel strongly as a dad. The idea that mothers feel more strongly, are inherently better parents than fathers is an effective way of shirking responsibility. Other than birthing and breastfeeding there is nothing a mother can do that a father can’t.

I'm so grateful for you replies. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm constantly made to feel like I'm the problem. I am so thankful for your ideas. I just cannot cope anymore. I hate the idea of not seeing my kids every day and the affect of mediated MIL and also I don't think I can take anymore

TBH it seems like a pretty bad idea to leave when you are 30 weeks pregnant with a toddler primarily because your in laws seem to be a bit over the top. Just chuck the stuff out that she buys and be grateful that you are getting free babysitting. My in laws were over grandparenting by the time my eldest was born (he was the 7th grandchild by that time) and had very little to do with him, never babysat and often forget birthdays. What exactly is your husband doing that is so bad that you want to leave? If his mother is really the worst of it...then yeah I think you are BU.

It's the impact it's having on my daughter that I'm finding hard. She has repeatedly said that grandma has told her not to tell me about things. She has started to have huge tantrums if she doesn't get something she wants and she asks for toys and to shop for toys 5-10 times a day. After in law's have had her she will burst into tears and have meltdowns for days afterwards.

I have tried taking things to charity shops but every week there will be boxes of stuff and big toys like scooters etc.

We are meant to be moving back to our home town and the thought of being closer to her fills me with dread. When I have raised an issues she will stop talking to me for 20 minutes then pretend nothing happened and it then gets much worse. She gets very obsessed with houses and sends photos of th all day and tells me the one to buy and will talk about if for months and tell me I'm wrong if I say I don't want it.

But it's not really about her+;it's about the facty partner does not stick up for us even when he sees how damaging it is. Her behaviour and overwhelming of him left him repeatedly feeling suicidal in his twenties and I don't want this for my kids.

I'm from the isle of man too.

6 months ago you were so certain of your future with this man that you decided to have another child together. Has the situation really changed that much in so short a time?

Walking away makes everything so much harder. It's harder for the kids, and it will give your mil much more unsupervised access to your children, who you chose to bring into this family.

I think you need to find your backbone and take charge. Be okay with upsetting your mil. She's absolutely fine with upsetting you! Stand up to her. You owe that much to your children.

@WorthyPombear

I get what you're saying and I wouldn't blame you a bit for leaving. So I'm not trying to dissuade you. But even though you've had it up to your eyeteeth (and I don't blame you) I think you need to consider the time DD (and baby when they arrive) will spend with your MiL now vs the time they will spend with her if you separate. This will be time that you will have no control over and no say it what goes on. It will be completely up to your DH to decide what his mother may and may not do when the children are in her care.

Obvs that's going to depend on what your not-so-DH wants as far as access. If he's happy to be an EOW dad it will probably be fine as they may only see her EOW. But what if he demands (and gets) more time, or even 50/50? Are you ready for that? You may feel that not having loads of useless crap continually brought to your house and not having to live with someone who won't support you in parenting is worth it.

So, what would your plan be? To stay put where you are? Move closer to your family? I certainly wouldn't move closer to his and then 'drop the bomb' because you'll be stuck there.

Also consider what you'd do for childcare if MiL provides it so you can work. Actually, this is something I'd rethink anyway.

I'd suggest you have a very serious chat with yourself and decide if you really want to leave. Then have a 'Come to Jesus' talk with your DH. And tell him that not only will you NOT be moving closer to his mother, but that if he doesn't grow a backbone and start sticking up for you with her, you will take DD and leave. But don't make empty threats. If you say it, mean it. And have a plan to carry it out.

"he will say it's because it bothers me, rather than because we don't want to parent her that way" I'd be mad at that too!

I'd be mostly mad about her haircut.
The rest would be frustrating, especially crashing your holiday.

After in law's have had her she will burst into tears and have meltdowns for days afterwards.

So you just never let them have her. And you change the locks so she can't just walk into your house with whatever she wants to dump on you.* *

Don't leave unless you're certain your relationship with DP can't be rescued. As I see things, this is all about you both setting boundaries with MiL and sticking to them.
Remember first that hoarding is an illness so to some extent she can't help loading stuff onto you. Five car seats is a good example of this - it's not just that they are secondhand - it's the sheer volume of stuff.
So you need coping strategies.

1. She is unable to care for your child in the way that you want (junk food, make up, secrets, haircut). Don't use her for childcare, ever. Supervise visits.
2. Change the locks.
3. Don't overshare e.g. holiday details
4. Tell your DH how desperate you're feeling. Book some couples counselling if you can and explain what you've said here. Remind him of the impact his DM had on him when he was younger and tell him about the new boundaries for your family. He may need help from outside working on his own behaviour and seeming acceptance of his DM's actions. If he is unable to do this or maintain your family boundaries then you may have to leave, for your own sanity

Bear in mind that you'll have even less control if you split and the kids go to the ex EOW.

Why not start by not having her babysit anymore?

No need to be polite to her when she is overstepping your boundaries. Tell her you would take stuff to charity shop. No need for showing how grateful you are. Perhaps your gratefulness is keeping her giving you more stuff.

Thank you so much this has all been really helpful and helped me calm down loads.

@Wordsmithery you're right. She hasn't eaten at her dining table or had a bath in years as theyre both full of stuff. She has a spare room she can't go into as it's so full and a lock up full of things that costs a fortune. She calls it a hobby so it won't change and you're right that we need to set boundaries.

I've felt so tired of always doing it and then being laughed and and told it's my fault

It sounds annoying, I'm not sure it's a situation where leaving your DH at the stage of late pregnancy when you have a toddler is the best idea. I'd get yourself through the end of pregnancy and the newborn stage before making any decisions.
You won't have any more power to keep your MIL away from DD if you separate, you will have less as what DH does on his time will be out of your control. Maybe try and stop leaving her with MIL now whilst you are aware of where she is and what she is doing. Tantrums are a typical developmental behaviour for this age, I wouldn't be confident it is caused by your MIL. Her parents separating and a new sibling is far more likely to have a negative impact on her than some junk food when she is with your MIL.
You need to be realistic about what the outcome of splitting will be before making a decision.

Never tell them where you holiday again.
Don’t allow her access to your toddler without you there.
How is she getting this stuff in your house? Key? Take it back. Coming over with it? Don’t allow her over the threshold with the crap. No thank you. Please put it back in your car. We are trying to limit the clutter.
You need to agree boundaries with the partner.

Why would you even consider moving closer to her? That doesn’t make sense to me.

Do not move closer, move further away. Much further.

Everything she buys needs to be refused at the door. Don’t make any arrangements to see her. If she turns up uninvited just don’t let her in.

You know you have a DH problem so focus on that. He needs to be more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting his mother.

never understand women who do this. knowing what they are like with the first and go have a second.
You’re still asking if you need to leave op ??

A big thing to remember is - if people are not polite to you, you don't have to be polite to them.

Trampling over your boundaries, not listening to what you want, bringing rubbish into your home and interfering with your parenting - absolutely no need to be polite or avoid upsetting her. She broke the social contract first.

I can understand that. We didn't need to rely on her for childcare in the past so that's when things have really escalated so I think everyone's advice about stopping that is really helpful!

you need to stand up to your mother in law and set some boundaries if your husband is not, if you do not stand up to her you will be miserable for the rest of time. you need to keep her at arms length not allow babysitting (even if you make an excuse why you don't need daughter babysat) say while i appreciate your help you are not to cut my daughters hair or tell her to keep secrets. it will go down as a lead balloon as i guarantee the mother has some deep seeded trauma which has made her narcissistic and she wants everything her own way or she will play victim or get defensive. i bet your husband is very kind and easy going and he is like this as he developed that as coping skills to live with his mother. good luck just remember you are your daughters mother and its upto you how she is raised

You need to walk away from him if he won't come with you to escape her.

You need your sanity and calm life back! 💐

If she brings stuff to your house tell her firmly that you don't need them and tell her to keep them at her house. Do not accept them at all. I would be livid with 5 car seats.