AIBU to limit how long family stay with us over Christmas

[Whelp]

I know it’s not even the summer, but…..Seeking some perspective on Christmas family logistics before I tie myself in knots over it.
My brother, SIL and their two children (5 & 6) live in Thailand and are coming to the UK for Christmas for the first time in years. We are genuinely really excited to see them and want to make it magical for the children. My mum will also be staying with us over Christmas.
The issue is the length of stay. They’re in the UK for about 3 weeks and there seems to be an assumption that they’ll mostly stay with us, aside from a few days seeing friends. We also have three children ourselves and, while they’ll love the excitement initially, I know that after about 5 days everyone (including us!) will need downtime and normality again.
My husband is a brilliant, generous host and completely agrees with me, so this isn’t a “mean husband” situation at all. We’d happily host for Christmas itself and make it special, but I’m starting to feel anxious about the idea of open-ended hosting over the whole festive period.
Complicating factor: family communication has never been especially straightforward. We grew up with an alcoholic father and I think I still find it very hard not to feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings/comfort. I hate the thought of upsetting anyone or appearing ungenerous when they’ve travelled so far.
So… how do normal families handle this? Is it reasonable to set a clear limit now (“we can host from X to Y”) and encourage them to make other plans for the rest of the trip? If so, how would you phrase it kindly without sounding like you’re pushing them away?
I think I just need reassurance that wanting some breathing space for our own family Christmas doesn’t make me awful, and ideas for how best to handle. Thank you

Just do exactly that. Soon, so they’ve got time to plan before things get expensive! 5 days is plenty.

I’m a bit of a people pleaser so I’d probably wrap it up in a general message about things… we’re debating booking XYZ, will keep you posted on ABC, we can host you from date X to date Y, can’t wait to see you, any specific traditions or beliefs etc you want to incorporate here…

Could they stay with your mum the rest of the time? He is her son after all so it makes sense that she’d want him to.

Agree with PP. Are there others that can host them for the next period that can work with you on this?

‘We’re really looking forward to seeing you over Xmas. We want to get our dates sorted so have you firmed up plans with friends, mum, and ILs yet?’
‘Great. We think it would be amazing if you stay 22-27th. Would you like us to help look up hotels for the other days?’

They might be jet lagged on arrival days - are you collecting from airport? Wondering might you or your mother need to chip in on costs? Also depending on where you live you might be able to find a decent rental for the month that’s more economical?

First, it is the summer… the days start getting shorter in less than a month. So absolutely make plans now.

I think you’ll have to find out for them where they could stay. Plus they’re probably not planning on spending much on accommodation.

I'd be on the plane to Thailand to their house after 3 days max of them in my house, sibling or not! 😊

I often think that people coming home from abroad for special occasions like Christmas believe that everyone will be full of the holiday spirit and be delighted to see them all day every day. They need to get a grip and sort something out other than your house. I get the feeling that you all get on very well which is a great thing, but that should make it easier to be honest with them. They should not impose themselves like this for three weeks anyway, but as I said, they are on holidays so are full of it, but you are not!

Is mum able to put them up for some of the time? I think I'd book them into a hotel for a few nights if they are there after New Year, the prices come down then and it might be a nice joint Christmas present from you and your mum (pretend anyway ha ha).

They will be spending an utter shedload to travel (unless they have a lot of airmiles saved ) so it does seem a bit mean to insist they stay in a hotel.

Does your Mum have room to put them up over Christmas ?

Are you paying for the food etc when they stay ?

Start by asking your Mum what her plans are then you will be able to decide on arrangemets with you and other family .
Your Brother might suggest they do a few days each place though

Well you're a grumpy little elf aren't you. I would let my brother stay for the whole time if he wanted to. I have family all over the place and we always do this.

We are immigrants so when we see family it’s always for extended visits and we always stay together. Now and again we rent a holiday house together but usually we stay with each other. My mum is currently here for 3 weeks. What other options do they have? They’ll be spending a fortune on their flights so where else can they stay and who else do they want to see?

Definitely, you need to have a conversation asap about their and your expectations for this trip. It’s fine to establish some boundaries.

My in-laws came over from Germany for 3 weeks and spent 2 with us.
i felt like a prisoner chalking every passing day on the wall
nil desperandum - they might want to do loads of other things and don’t know how to tell you

Id aim for 5 days at the start and two at the end

I would also say that you are so excited to be seeing them. These are the dates we can host

If you can afford it I’d book them a nearby AirBnB for 3 weeks - with plans for activities during the festive season. I agree that 5 days over Xmas would be great, but once everyone is back at school/work it becomes hard work.

It's a tricky one. And I think it does depend on where you live to a certain extent. And how much space you have of course.

Eg if you are in a big city with lots to do and see they can be out and about all day sightseeing once the main celebrations are over and mainly just use your house to sleep in and as long as they muck in with cooking and clearing up if might not be too bad.

But if you live in a small town and they are relying on you to entertain them it's different.

I think you definitely need to suss out if they are planning to stay with your mother too (how far away from you is she?) And they might actually want to go elsewhere for a few days to show their children other parts of the country or even another European country.

OP my DSIS and family often stay from the US here. They tend to use it as a base. Most normal people will understand that whilst they are on extended travels normal life for the hosts needs to continue. Don’t fall over yourself catering, just have the conversation about helping themselves and sharing the cooking when they are there.

Could you suggest an air bnb near you, to them?

What makes you think they are assuming they are staying with you for their entire time? Id get a message to them saying something like ' So looking forward to seeing you all over Christmas. Mum will be here from x to y, what days are you planning to stay?'

Tricky one. I can see your point but they've travelled quite a way. How would you feel if your family and you travelled to Thailand and were told you can only stop 5 days? If your brother can afford it, holiday rental seems a great idea. Personally I would let them stay. It's all too soon before kids get older and don't want to come, adults aren't able to manage. Just enjoy the chaos of family at Christmas.

The thing you have to remember is that if you say no or restrict them staying then you can't expect to swan over to Thailand and them to let you stay and bend over backwards to show you all the touristy stuff. Personally I'd suck it up if they can return the favour and host you at some point.
But I'm picky my brother and his family are welcome anytime and just muck in and cook, tidy, do whatever. Same for us with them. My SIL and her family aren't as I'm always on edge and never as relaxed and it is the same for us. I mean one time we arrived at their house after a 30 minutes drive (the day after a long long trip back to uk) only to be not allowed to ring doorbell or go in as baby was sleeping on BIL and didn't want to wake her. We had to take our kids to nearby playground for half an hour. So I'm clearly not as accommodating back.

I wouldn’t have anyone staying with me for 3 weeks. I think if they’re coming the need to factor in accommodation for that time too. I agree 5 days is the most I could have - realistically 3 is the max before I lose the plot