Contraception long term relationship

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A contraception one for those in your mid40s. Before having kids, I used to take care of contraception- hormonal but had to stop as have very high blood pressure and a coil but that made me anemic. After we had kids, I asked Dh if he could have the snip as we were done and I didn't want to have to be the only one managing contraception. Dh refused and floated idea of just using condoms. In practice, he never thinks of it and we did have an accidentally pregnancy that I miscarried. Since then we essentially don't have sex. This has obviously created resentment, especially from his side. I have tried to discuss it with him that it's not just a me issue but he thinks am just being difficult. I guess from my side, I resent that he didn't have the snip nor does he seem to think it's really his problem.

Not sure whether I feel secure only using condoms..
Whenever we have sex which isn't often, we don't use any contraception.

Im sorry, but that’s one of the most stupid things I’ve ever read on here. You don’t feel secure using condoms but are happy to have sex using no contraception?

And you think everything is a him problem. You’ve said you resent him too. Maybe marriage counselling is worth a shot?

I had the coil after having my dc, firstly the copper coil with no hormones and then changed to mirena.

My DH had the snip after a few years.

My friends DH adamantly didn’t want anymore dc but also didn’t want to have the snip. She started talking about how lovely other babies were and generally acting all broody. Her DH changed his mind and got the snip pretty quickly after that, which is exactly the outcome she wanted. Manipulative, hmm maybe! Lol

We've been using condoms as only form of contraception for ten years, as soon as we knew we were done having kids. Every now and then I offer to go back on pill to allow a bit more spontaneity in sex but DH doesn't mind and I'd rather not mess around with my hormones.

DH takes responsibility for keeping condoms stocked up and we use them every time. Never had any accidents. Don't know why your DH is making an issue of it.

I resent him mainly for not taking seriously the impact that he is having on me. He essentially ignored the issue of contraception while I suffered the consequences. Am fine not having sex but he feels rejected, forgetting how that spiraled in the first place. I don't mind sleeping in another room due to his snoring and sleeping issues, but don't understand why he wants us to share a room while I can't sleep because of his snoring.

You really can’t see his issue? He wants intimacy and to feel close even if that’s just by sharing a room. You have totally pulled away. Regardless of whose fault it is he’s seeking something that you don’t want. And that’s a huge issue, especially as you have kids

So buy some condoms and then don’t have sex with him without them. What is difficult about that?We’re one and done but hesitating about making it final, so we’ve used condoms since I came off the implant. I buy them in our shopping delivery. My husband does put it on without being told, but if he didn’t I would just remind him. It’s a total non issue, so something deeper is the issue with you guys.

You seem to have the attitude that he needs to provide the condoms and he needs to mention them at the time. The only reason to think that way is either “he wants sex so he can sort that out” (implying you don’t want sex and are having it under sufferance, which is an issue). Or it’s a petty “well why should I be the one to do it?” which is usually a deep seated resentment about other things he doesn’t do. Either way, this isn’t really about the condoms themselves, otherwise you’d just bung them in the weekly shop and carry on.

I think buying confirms yourself will show him you still want him and will at least break some of the ice which seems to have formed between you.

In my late 30’s I wanted another child, he didn’t. I wasn’t going on the pill any more so I said that it was up to him to prevent a pregnancy. He went and had the snip and it was great, sex with no hormones or condoms is so much better.

He lack intimacy due to very practical reasons that he could try do something about. But he doesn't. He just blames me.he was offered an op to reduce snoring but refused. He could have tried getting off sleeping pills but never gets around to it. But am not being kept awake half the night with snoring or having regular sex without contraception.

Mid 30s here, one toddler, with DH over a decade.

First couple of years I was on pill but high blood pressure. Tried mirena but got awful side effects. Been exclusively using condoms for 8 years now. Stopped using them and conceived toddler first month 😅 , condoms since with no scares. But DH always has condoms, checks expiry dates and is really careful to use properly.

So this is just one more resentment between you. I think you need a conversation about how resentment is killing your marriage and that you are both sitting back and letting it happen.

I mean, my sympathy is with you, but the only behaviour you can change is your own. At least make sure he knows what he’s doing, the choices he is making.

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him that you have put your body through enough over the years by taking contraption and everything else. You can medically no longer take most contraptions options, and the others you do not feel confident in.
Either he steps up and gets the snip or no sex - and possibly no more relationship with you. Since you (right so) do not feel support from him.

Contraception is BOTH your responsibility even if you have birthed children. Not buying condoms yourself and having unprotected sex is on you every bit as much as it is him.

For what it's worth, my partner got the snip even before I could stop taking hormonal contraception. I didn't even have to ask.

We use condoms only and always have done. No mishaps in 15yrs of having sex multiple times a week.

DH buys them.

DH and I are on our third. This will most likely be our last. I've been on the pill before and in between. We have always agreed that when we are done, he will get the snip. I have gone through years of birth control. 5 pregnancies, soon to be 3 births, including one emcs one ventous and hopefully an uninterferred birth. He fully agrees it's his turn.

If he's taking no accountability for birth control he doesn't get to complain about the method you have chosen (abstinence). You don't want to get pregnant, he won't do anything to prevent getting you pregnant. So you can't safely have sex with him

Buy condoms yourself, they sell them in supermarkets, chemists & online

Buy sperm killing gel too

Why are you being so passive ?

We never “negotiated” it, we discussed what worked best for us as a couple.
We used condoms and then DH had the snip - although our area no longer does NHS funding for it, so we had to pay a fair chunk for that!

Refusing to take any responsibility whatever for contraception but then giving you a hard time for your disinclination to take all the risk of a pregnancy has a name. it is also very likely to be a criminal offence along with other unfair/unkind/unreasonable conduct.

It's called reproductive coercion.

His selfish attitude is a very effective method of contraception.

You've put your body through enough and have health issues which prevent you from using hormonal contraception. If he wants to have sex, all he has to do is buy condoms, but he wont even do that, he just complains about intimacy until you give in.

Do you even want to have sex with him? I wouldn't. He's selfish. He expects to get everything he wants, while never putting any effort in (getting snipped, buying condoms, sorting his snoring, giving a shit about you when you had a miscarriage). Fuck that guy.

He sounds like a very selfish man.
He chooses the behaviour, he accepts the consequences.

Are you really happily married?
I don't blame you not missing sex with such a selfish man.

Is he a good involved father that pulls his weight?

Are you sure you know the point of him?

I don't understand why you don't buy some condoms and tell him to use them. Why are you having unprotected sex and then feeling resentful?

I don't know if you can have the mini pill with high BP but that is what I am on and its fabulous (no side effects other than it stops my horrendous periods).

Men like this are such trash.

I guess you just need to insist on condoms or simply carry on as you are now. I don’t understand why you keep having sex without condoms.

It’s a bit selfish on his part. She cannot sleep in the room with him but he doesn’t care as long as they share a room.