AIBU to worry about contact arrangements upsetting my anxious child?

[Asipredcited]

Separated with ex a year ago, we share DC (KS1) and he has an older DC. It has been a difficult year with lots of change.

CAO recently put into place. DC has previously been in therapy for anxiety and now it’s coming back.

DC has explained this to me and reasons why, they’re asking to see dad less. I have asked him if they can go for more frequent shorter periods, especially with the summer holidays coming up but he’s said no. DC is really upset I’m “sending” him away.

I know there needs to be a time of adjustment but it just feels cruel.

How can I possibly explain this without it reflecting badly on either of us?

Who has said no to shorter, more frequent visits? Your ex H or your son? How old is he? Will his father listen if he says the same things to him as he has said to you?

What is their relationship like?

I think unless you have concerns that your ex is abusive or neglectful you need to help your child manage their anxiety and not allow them to avoid things which make them stressed.

Avoidance of an anxiety trigger makes the anxiety worse.

Don’t fell bad about encouraging your child to do things which make them (irrationally) anxious.

^ this. Avoiding suitations will only make them more anxious as time goes on.

What a shame. How old is your DC?

Explain to your child that you arent "sending him away" any more than his Dad is "sending him away" when he brings him home. Ensure he understands that he has 2 parents and it is really important that he has enough time with each of them to feel comfortable with both, and that longer stays will help him feel this way. Previous posters are correct that enabling your child to avoid doing reasonable things just because they make them feel anxious is very counterproductive. What will you do when the anxiety transfers to school? You need to be confident that you are not doing anything wrong or harmful in ensuring he maintains decent contact with his dad, even if it isnt how he wants to spend his time right now, and project this confidence to your son. If you are unsure yourself, your son will be picking up on this and it may well exacerbate his anxiety, either because he may feel there is a possibility you may relent or because he will sense that you also see something negative about him staying with his dad.

He may well have learned strategies to help him manage his anxiety in therapy. Familiarise yourself with them so you can remind him of them and support him to use them.

Of course, all the above doesnt apply if you have good reason to suspect dad is abusive or neglectful.

Such a reasoned, well thought out reply.

Ex has said no, son wants to go less.

I think he struggles more with how different the households are, he’s suspected ND.

I understand the school comparison but I do think that’s a bit different given it’s a shorter period of time and all the children their are in the same situation.

Go back to his therapist. Get some family sessions
Work on this with professiinal support