to feel the dilemma of where to spend Christmas this year?

[LoisLaneKent]

My parents divorced years ago. This means I usually spend Christmas with my mum's side of the family one year and my dad the alternating year. He has had a couple of girlfriends over the years but he's currently single so in recent years spends the day alone when I'm not there.

Last year he ruined my Christmas Eve while I was away celebrating it with my mum's side. He blew up over the phone about the fact I forgot to send him a Christmas card (should say I also suspect my dad is undiagnosed autistic as he gets fixated on odd things) even though I bought him great presents and was due to see him on return. He still hasn't apologised but our relationship is fine again. He said he was glad we would be together this year for Christmas.

Now the spanner in the works - my mum's side wants to change the year we have Christmas together so that we can include my cousins families and their young children. This means we will go again this year to them, so two years in a row, to reset the year we see them. This will be great as Christmas is always better with the little ones and there's quite a lot of us! I have so far said I'll need to miss it as I said I'd be with my dad this year but I would rather be spending it with them. Given my dad doesn't cook though, I would rather go away somewhere so it doesn't all fall to me. At least with my mum's side we all muck in. That said my mum has asked me to think about it.

YABU - I should spend it with him this year
YANBU - I should tell my dad I'm spending Christmas with the other side but I'll see him when I get back

Feel your dad out on the situation and see how he feels with loads of advance warning. Maybe you could do a christmas weekend with him the weekend before..?

I thought about offering the alternative weekend the week before but it's a real pain. I usually reserve the weekend before to see friends and it's moments like this I hate having divorced parents. But may have to.

The thing is, there's no way to feel him out without sounding like 1) I don't want to spend it with him and 2) I want him to give me a sort of permission to go and spend it with the other side, is there? He played a real victim card last December so I don't see him being reasonable about it but I don't know.

You don't indicate if it is practical to say have Christmas Day with one parent and Boxing Day the other. Which would reduce the time with your dad given his unpleasant reaction last year, and enable you to be with cousins. Having new or extra guests on Boxing day can work out in a positive way I think.

What about your partners family?

@LlynTegid No it isn't unfortunately - one side lives in one end of the UK and the other the opposite! Will be flying but still not practical.

I feel sorry for your Dad. Why not go to his the next 2 Christmas's and then re-set the schedule?

I would opt out entirely and go on holiday or stay home and relax. I have zero tolerance for adults who tantrum, demand and manipulate people like your father does.

This is my thought too. He's not the one that's changing things, and if Autistic it sounds like it will be especially hard for him to deal with the change

I should say I have some empathy for my dad being alone, of course I do. I think that empathy was somewhat dented when he ruined my Christmas eve due to being bitter about being alone last year.

my cousin has little kids and I'd really like to be with them all as we're close but the more I think about it the less likely I feel it's going to be possible or the 'nice' thing to do.

I would just stop spending Christmas with him. It’s only adding to your workload. Fuck that.

Do what pleases you. Everyone involved is an adult who is free to cultivate their own friendships and make themselves be pleasant company. If they choose not to that's ok, and no one else's problem.

As you’re an adult you get to do what you like.

Neither. Tell him you have been asked to spend Christmas with your cousins and their young children.

If the bad-tempered git had a go at you and ruined last Christmas Eve, he doesn't deserve your company this year.

I would be spending it with my cousins and their young children, plus my mum and aunt and uncle. We were out of sync due to my cousins arrangement with her husband's parents, but the reset is going to fix that.

I know people are saying to hell with him and I can do what I want - true, but my still don't want to badly harm the relationship by blowing him off this year.

The pressure to meet everyones demands is exhausting though. I admit that.

Stay home. Less hassle.
Go to a nice hotel.
Stay with DH family.
Volunteer to work for a charity over Christmas.

I think you should focus more on what would make you happy. Your dad sounds like a difficult character and even with the best will in the world these sorts can be hard to please. I'd only visit him if you get something out of it. In general I'm very wary of Christmas schedules like this, what if you want to go on holiday or spend it with a partner?

There are two issues here.

1. What is 'fair'
2. What you would prefer to do.

It is a pity your dad ruined Christmas Eve last year. It seems you enjoyed the rest of the Christmas Break with DM and her f.amily as you would like to repeat the experience this year and I can understand that especially with the child relatives there ...always special at Christmas. However . . It is DMs side of the family who want to change the arrangements so it would seem 'fairer' for that side to skip a year to make the change. It does seem convenient for DMs side to change this when it means it gives a reason for you to change the usual a arrangements and the get to have you again next year which would please them and you. And you are fitting on with the cousin's arrangements which might change nearer the time.

Another however ...all this being said ...you don't have to go to your dad's if you don't want to. It is perfectly acceptable for you to spend Christmas where you will be happiest and make another arrangement with your dad. 💐

Just do what pleases you. Adults are allowed to enjoy Christmas also. You are entitled to go where you choose. So much obligation, pressure and guilt makes for a miserable Christmas for you. You are not your father’s emotional support buddy, because he does not have a current female crutch.

I think part of the motivation for this schedule change is that my aunt and uncle are getting older, they're at least 10+ years older than my dad. So we're all keen to spend as much time together as a group as we can.

You might be on to something regarding thinking about what makes me happy - the consequence of being a child of divorced parents is you end up thinking about how to keep both sides happy. It's not good for my nervous system!

I empathise OP, no one talks about how difficult it is to have divorced parents as an adult.

We spend it with my mum every year as she’s on her own and my dad is remarried. I crave a Christmas to ourselves without guilt or pressure.

You can’t make him happy.

Your dad is an adult not a child. If he can’t be happy for you to spend Xmas with who you want then it’s a poor show. Anyway he may have met someone else by Xmas have you thought of that?

I agree. His behaviour last year was out of order. But outside of Christmas we are actually close. I almost properly fell out with him though.

He told me he recently he's done with dating for good! I was gutted really...I'm thinking great, so it really is just me now. He has a lot of friends but he doesn't spend holidays with them.

@yoshigizzit Exactly, I dream of buggering off to Italy one Christmas and just doing whatever I please.