Has anyone else had a sibling situation damage their relationship with parents?

[Beyondmenow]

Trying to keep this vague for privacy.
I have an adult sibling who has had longstanding issues for many years and is still very dependent on my elderly parents. There is a lot of emotional energy, worry and practical support directed towards them and the dynamic feels is very entrenched.

The problem is I’m finding it increasingly affects my relationship with my parents, especially my mum. Every phone call somehow seems to come back to sibling dramas, moods, work problems, little day-to-day updates etc. I’m finding myself becoming really irritated, withdrawn and sometimes short-tempered, which I hate because I love my parents and don’t want to feel like this.

I think part of the issue is that I feel frustrated by what I see as normalising or enabling behaviour, whereas my parents seem to swing between saying they are overwhelmed and then acting as though everything is absolutely fine.
I feel guilty even writing this because I know my parents are probably doing their best, but I’m honestly exhausted by the whole thing and dread feeling annoyed every time the subject comes up.
Has anyone navigated something similar without damaging the relationship with their parents? How do you stop becoming resentful?

Not my parents but parents in law and it caused so much grief, it’s taken years for them to understand where we were coming from. Our reasoning was that we are all adults and our point of view is just as valid as there’s.

My mother in law, either worships her 40 year old daughter or enables her, then complains to us because she is overwhelmed.

Mother in law even gave up her job to bring up her daughter’s child, only to find herself homeless and penniless, once the daughter had moved in with her latest boyfriend.

We had to listen to mother in law complaining, worrying etc So much drama, which seems to be ongoing, as her daughter always needs help etc

We gave up and see both of them less often.

You could genuinely be one of my siblings. I completely get it.

I'm from a big (BIG) family with elderly, ailing parents.

The favourtism has always been blatant, but since they require almost round-the-clock care it's very hard not to resent them for it. Especially because most of it has fallen to two of my sisters and I. And ironically, we are the three that suffered most when it came to said favourtism.

It's so painful, actually, that I'm only surviving it by dissociating a little. And I just keep trying to tell myself that I don't want to feel guilty when they're dead so I won't turn my back on them.

But yeah, I sympathise a lot. It's just shitty, really.

I’ve cut all contact with my mother because I can no longer cope with my siblings choices and consequential fallouts over & over again and the problems my mother has caused.

I am utterly utterly exasperated by the stupidity and nonsensical actions and choices of this individual, therefore to preserve my own mental well-being, I’ve had to completely disengage.

There is little to be gained and an awful lot to be lost so it’s done.

Same boat but in laws situation, feel so sad for my OH but it’s really draining

Yes. My sibling is very needy and nearing 50! I'm much younger and just keep rolling my eyes at the whole debacle. Parents will drop all to rush to their demands.

Me? No help whatsoever. Not even help with homework when I was little. So when the time comes the older sibling can take care of all elder care.

Yeah this played out with my pil.

my h was not the favourite - the daughter was. She was given hundreds of thousands of pounds and so much emotional support and childcare.

we saw them less. Tried to meet up half way without the favourite.

still difficult.

twenty years down the line pil have realised the demands for support are never ending and are pulling back a bit.

my h and his brother have taken the decision that they will be happy to pay for care for pils but won’t be doing any day to day or in person caring.

pils have made so, so clear how little they value their sons and honestly it’s really hurt them.

H tried many times to talk to them and it just didn’t work.

Yes. Almost exactly the same situation here. I few years ago I just stepped completely back. I still see my parents most days and chat to my mum multiple times a day but when brother comes up I just don’t respond or offer any advice. Just give a polite “hmm ok” I don’t ask questions, don’t offer advice or opinions, and just stay out of it. I’ve offered all the advice over the years and frankly it has all fallen of deaf ears. I completely disagree how my parents have handled things with my sibling but at this point it’s not going to change and criticising them for it would be cruel because like your parents they have tried their best and I know they find it very difficult but for my own mental health and to protect my relationship with my parents I just can’t get involved in it.

Yep. We knew sil was dependent on pil, but didn’t realise how much so financially until fil died.

she’s always had free childcare, we knew she’s had some help with a house deposit and a few other bits over the years. Then she had to declare the gifts she’d received over the last 7 years to the executor of her dad estate.

she’d absolutely rinsed them. We thought they were living on state pensions, they were always saying how little money they had. The gifts she declared were over £200k. In 7 years. The executors don’t think they have all the accounts either.

anyway we no longer speak to her, and neither does mil. Mil has moved into a flat near us, as she had to sell up to afford to live as the private pensions were all in fil’s name. dh has POA, and sil cannot touch any more of their money.

Good to read these replies thank you. @Strangesally20 this is what I am trying to do but my mum doesn’t take the hint and keeps droning on about my sister. My sister is in her 50s but they treat her like she’s a teenager and that’s how she acts. She does work but contributes nothing to their household finances (she still lives with them) and drives my mum’s car. She somehow manages to spend her entire salary on nothing which my parents just put down to her being bad with money despite history of drug addiction.
parents have a cleaner and gardener and do the cooking and food shopping so she has no responsibilities but I am told about the smallest things she’s done (like made a salad).

Not me but a friend has a sibling with Anorexia, it destroyed my friends childhood, her parents lives and forty years later she’s still putting them all through the wringer. Ruining my friends wedding was the last straw by getting so thin that she was hospitalized a couple of days later. It is the only focus of the family, and her refusal to engage with treatment is a choice.

Oh mate where to start with sil. Pil were only children and she was the precious first born. Bil came along 5 years later and then my wife a further 6. Wife has been put down, bullied, come last, ignored, put upon and generally been treated like shite by sil and pil never said a word. She gave up fighting back or trying to get her view across as a teenager....

Sil behaviour is dreadful and always has been. Example to prove it. She booked the same church as us to get married. Ok on the face of it fine...but an hour after us? Pil just refused to pay so it died a death. She got married two years later and it was identical to ours, same church, cake and dress company, same cars, same venue...she even asked for the number of the DJ! Again nothing said by pil to encourage her to have her own day.

i could have written this word for word. i’d say stop speaking to your parents about your sibling, just refuse to engage. like one poster said above, everytime she mentions your sister just say ‘hm yes’ and move
on to another topic. every single time
she does it. i think it’s the only way to stay sane. i wish i did this as my relationship with both my parents has broken down and it was triggered by a similar set up with my sibling

A bit crude I suppose but every time your Mum does that could you cut in with "can I just stop you there Mum" pause and then bring the chat back to non sister stuff, every time. At the very least it will cut right down on how much nonsense you have to listen to. And if your Mum questions it say something like " nope, happy to hear about you and Dad but that's it"