What school options for academically able, neurodiverse girl?

[fruitfly3]

We’re starting to consider school options for my DD who is 9 and at a state primary. She is autistic and finds school hugely challenging (the demands, the girl dynamics, the noise etc). Her emotional support needs have increased hugely in the last year, and she is very vulnerable mentally. She’s very academically able, compliant and quiet when at school, but treats going to school as if I’m sending her into a burning building - increasingly she’s bold in her endeavours not to go. We’re considering our options early for secondary school. If you have a similarly vulnerable ND girl, what school did they go to and did they thrive? We’re considering state, private, Steiner and more specialist schools - though the latter worry me in terms of whether she’d connect with other children who might have greater behavioural needs. We’re also considering online options.

My advice is based on what I’ve seen DD’s friends go through (they are now Y9). It depends so much on the individual school and the individual child. Shop around, look at everything school you’re considering. Ask specific questions about the support they have for a child like your DD.

DD is at a private school and there are a few girls there (all girls) who have been sent there on the parents’ assumption that private automatically = better for SEN. The school is pretty good with its SEN provision, and the pastoral support is truly excellent, but they are very clear that they are not a SEN specialist school and they do not sell themselves as such. But parents still assume. Some of those girls have had a rough time because it was the wrong choice, and have now moved to other schools, which is really disruptive. Some of them have thrived at DD’s school though - it depends so much on the individual child.

two of DD’s friends go to specialist provision for autistic kids and are really thriving (different schools) so it’s worth exploring those. Another does online school and is loving it - she doesn’t want to be around other kids and found the social parts really stressful.

I was in the same situation 7 years ago. yes state provision is useless for SEN kids that struggle with noise and big class sizes.
I went private all girls for this reason. Please do loads of research and visits.

@jeaux90 @shuffleofftobuffalo thank you. It feels like a complete minefield. Will do lots of research. My plan is to ask as many people / google, do a long list, and then start to visit this year. I’m just not sure how to match the child with the school. My gut is that she’d be better doing online learning sprinkled with clubs and extra curricular, but my DH is yet to come on board with this plan so I think we’ll research all, try one school and have online as the back up. Definitely not assuming private is right - come with different challenges for sure. Thank you!

If she's not too bothered about being with friends then I'd certainly recommend online schooling. Ds2 went to Interhigh from Year 7 and it was great. He did cadets for some social interaction. He did his exams at an external exam centre then went to a FE college. He's now at uni. He's autistic and was bullied all through school. Secondary school was terrible and he only lasted less than a term before being assaulted so we pulled him out.

There are a few online providers now. Interhigh is quite big now as it takes students from all over the world. Shop around and read the reviews.

The private school part of mumsnet is helpful if you don’t mind disclosing your area to get some recommendations

Which area are you in?
I'd avoid Steiner/Waldorf. I've visited a couple and the academic outcomes were very mixed and the whole atmosphere was a bit cult-ish.

I know girls who have done very well in state schools with a good budget for sen. The families met with the Sen lead the term before starting to put strategies in place. Eg when to come in, what to miss. It will be very specific to your area. The social side and your life balance is important too so factor all that in

@fruitfly3 if you can afford private then go private as she will thrive in the quieter smaller classes.

Do go and have a look round state schools though. I have taught in two state schools and where you have ability sets, the tops sets, although large (32), are well behaved with kids wanting to learn. If a school has a good behaviour policy then that helps.

I teach in a school that also has an area for ND children to come and work if they find a 5 period day too much. It's also a school that offers a lot of extra curricular clubs at lunch time and after school for a huge range of kids.

Where are you based? This might be better off in the education threads as you'll get better advice.

State schools vary hugely in terms of the support they're able to offer SEND kids. Private schools will definitely offer smaller class sizes which your DD might need. But it completely depends on location and what your options are.

My son is similar sounding to your daughter and is thriving at a specialist ASD school but he has an EHCP and it’s required for attendance there.