What school options for academically able, neurodiverse girl?

[fruitfly3]

We’re starting to consider school options for my DD who is 9 and at a state primary. She is autistic and finds school hugely challenging (the demands, the girl dynamics, the noise etc). Her emotional support needs have increased hugely in the last year, and she is very vulnerable mentally. She’s very academically able, compliant and quiet when at school, but treats going to school as if I’m sending her into a burning building - increasingly she’s bold in her endeavours not to go. We’re considering our options early for secondary school. If you have a similarly vulnerable ND girl, what school did they go to and did they thrive? We’re considering state, private, Steiner and more specialist schools - though the latter worry me in terms of whether she’d connect with other children who might have greater behavioural needs. We’re also considering online options.

My advice is based on what I’ve seen DD’s friends go through (they are now Y9). It depends so much on the individual school and the individual child. Shop around, look at everything school you’re considering. Ask specific questions about the support they have for a child like your DD.

DD is at a private school and there are a few girls there (all girls) who have been sent there on the parents’ assumption that private automatically = better for SEN. The school is pretty good with its SEN provision, and the pastoral support is truly excellent, but they are very clear that they are not a SEN specialist school and they do not sell themselves as such. But parents still assume. Some of those girls have had a rough time because it was the wrong choice, and have now moved to other schools, which is really disruptive. Some of them have thrived at DD’s school though - it depends so much on the individual child.

two of DD’s friends go to specialist provision for autistic kids and are really thriving (different schools) so it’s worth exploring those. Another does online school and is loving it - she doesn’t want to be around other kids and found the social parts really stressful.

I was in the same situation 7 years ago. yes state provision is useless for SEN kids that struggle with noise and big class sizes.
I went private all girls for this reason. Please do loads of research and visits.

@jeaux90 @shuffleofftobuffalo thank you. It feels like a complete minefield. Will do lots of research. My plan is to ask as many people / google, do a long list, and then start to visit this year. I’m just not sure how to match the child with the school. My gut is that she’d be better doing online learning sprinkled with clubs and extra curricular, but my DH is yet to come on board with this plan so I think we’ll research all, try one school and have online as the back up. Definitely not assuming private is right - come with different challenges for sure. Thank you!

If she's not too bothered about being with friends then I'd certainly recommend online schooling. Ds2 went to Interhigh from Year 7 and it was great. He did cadets for some social interaction. He did his exams at an external exam centre then went to a FE college. He's now at uni. He's autistic and was bullied all through school. Secondary school was terrible and he only lasted less than a term before being assaulted so we pulled him out.

There are a few online providers now. Interhigh is quite big now as it takes students from all over the world. Shop around and read the reviews.

The private school part of mumsnet is helpful if you don’t mind disclosing your area to get some recommendations

Which area are you in?
I'd avoid Steiner/Waldorf. I've visited a couple and the academic outcomes were very mixed and the whole atmosphere was a bit cult-ish.

I know girls who have done very well in state schools with a good budget for sen. The families met with the Sen lead the term before starting to put strategies in place. Eg when to come in, what to miss. It will be very specific to your area. The social side and your life balance is important too so factor all that in

@fruitfly3 if you can afford private then go private as she will thrive in the quieter smaller classes.

Do go and have a look round state schools though. I have taught in two state schools and where you have ability sets, the tops sets, although large (32), are well behaved with kids wanting to learn. If a school has a good behaviour policy then that helps.

I teach in a school that also has an area for ND children to come and work if they find a 5 period day too much. It's also a school that offers a lot of extra curricular clubs at lunch time and after school for a huge range of kids.

Where are you based? This might be better off in the education threads as you'll get better advice.

State schools vary hugely in terms of the support they're able to offer SEND kids. Private schools will definitely offer smaller class sizes which your DD might need. But it completely depends on location and what your options are.

My son is similar sounding to your daughter and is thriving at a specialist ASD school but he has an EHCP and it’s required for attendance there.

Thanks all - this is so helpful. To answer a few questions;

We’re in the north - Leeds, York and Harrogate are all options for us. Will also post on the private school section. We are just starting the EHCP process - which I think will ultimately be successful as we’re increasingly at risk of not actually getting there (academically all is well). We have a very strict / academic state secondary in our town - some SEN kids thrive there (because poor behaviour isn’t tolerated from peers) but it’s not nurturing and they’re not particularly SEN friendly. We also have another secondary school that’s about two miles away that is much more SEN friendly, but not as academic. To be honest whilst I’d like to think that the academic element is important, it’s probably not ultimately and just keeping her happy and at school has to be the main aim. I would consider online school, though we are a two working parent family so it wouldn’t be easy until she can be at home alone for periods (year 9 probably). It’s not impossible though and three of five days there is usually someone at home. My husband definitely is not on board with online school yet. My DD currently does lots of other activities so the social element isn’t a disaster if she didn’t go to school. Increasingly there is a gulf between her and girls her age anyway.

The Autistic Girls Network Group on FB might have some good recommendations for you?

Look at Ackworth op

@Ladymuffins great thanks - will join that. @Letchworthcoffeemum Ackworth is a new one to me - what’s your experience of the school? Will look it up, thank you!

My first comment was going to be ‘do you have an EHCP’ because if not, you should absolutely get the wheels in motion with that. So I’m pleased to read that you’re doing that!

My dd is autistic but wasn’t diagnosed until she was 10. She had some struggles at primary, mostly in Y5 because she had a newly qualified teacher who had absolutely no idea about SEN. Y6 was fantastic for her and she thrived more than we could ever imagine. She is like your dd and highly academic but struggles with the school environment.

She went to our closest mainstream secondary in September and I knew it could go one of two ways, and unfortunately it’s gone very badly. She has struggled badly with anxiety and low mood, to the point where she was self harming at the start of this year and she stopped going to school completely at Christmas. School were as supportive as they could be but because she doesn’t have an EHCP their hands were tied with how much they could actually offer. She’s now at Medical Needs School very part time, but we are starting to come out of the other side and she’s almost back to her old self again.

We’ve actually found out this week that her EHCP will be granted which is fantastic news and we are looking at mainstream with a resourced provision for autism/SEMH needs. Her old school has an RP but for children with learning difficulties so it wouldn’t be suitable for her to go back there. We are in West Yorkshire (possibly not too far from you?) and have just been to look round Ilkley Grammar this week as they have an autism provision. They do 80% of classes in mainstream and it’s a very high achieving school, but they have lots of support from the RP and it sounds like my dd might do well there.

We do think that if we had the EHCP in place before secondary then it would have been a very different story for her. If she’d have started secondary with the extra support in an RP then I think she would have done great from the start, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

If we had the money and were close to a private school with small classes then I’d have sent her there in a heartbeat.

I went girls' grammar school for my academically able, neurodiverse girl, sport specialist state school for my boy. Both thriving because they're surrounded by what they love. Keep an open mind and trust in the outcome.

My personal take is that private school can demand a lot of "hidden" social and academic compliance. If it works, great, but it can be fragile. Schools also vary massively in the amount of homework they expect and how high the demand of that homework is - self led projects can be harder for autistic students than problem sheets for example, and we came across one private school who set every single homework as due in the next day which would just never have worked for my DC on a bad day - an example of a higher demand they didn't even know they were placing because apparently all their students just jumped through the hoop. The better sensory environment - more space, smaller classes, more chill lunch time - can be a game changer for some students but mine needed more insight into ND, more valuing of the child unconditional on their compliance, than we found at the private schools near us.

Understand that private schools can just stop taking your money any time, and they may do so if your child gets too expensive or hard work, not just for poor behaviour. It happened to my friend's child halfway through her a level course because she had mental health difficulties. They were sympathetic but they also took her schooling away from her. A state school could not have done that, she would have remained entitled to attend. So I am a bit wary. But of course lots of people go through with no such problems.