The look

[purplemachine]

Is it normal when yourself and partner are with the children and you think a discussion or argument is going to far or something is not appropriate to say in front of the children to give you’re partner a look to say “that’s enough” or “leave it”. Whenever I do this my partner calls me out and says “why are you looking at me like that” and “what have I done wrong” and creates a scene in front of the children. I feel like we should be able to do this and to understand it means we’ll speak about it later not bring it up and cause an argument in front of the kids. Am I being unreasonable?

Well if he doesn’t recognise what ‘ the look’ means, you need to explain it to him! Not in the moment, now!

No, you’re not. He sounds like a twat if he’s trying to argue in front of the children and then escalates it every time you try to signal to him that it isn’t appropriate in front of them.

I have tried to many times but it keeps happening!

I think you need to agree it first, maybe he sees it as an ‘end of discussion’- but meaning he’s out, your way goes!!

Then in that case it is all deliberate on his part and he is definitely a twat that wants to argue in front of the children. He knows what you mean, he just doesn’t care.

This.

You need to wait until the DC are not with you, remind him of it and make it clear you won’t tolerate it. Think about who he won’t want to see you arguing with him, and make it clear you will respond in like manner if it happens again.

I never wanted arguing in front of our DC and we mostly avoided it. DH does know though that I am absolutely willing to embarrass him in front of his parents. I called him out years ago on making little digs eg if someone talked about some bad driving they’d seen, or dealt with someone who misunderstood an IT issue etc, he said something along the lines of ‘like you when you did …’, basically to get a laugh at my expense. I knocked that on the head quickly when he got ‘I beg your pardon?’ and a sour-faced stare, followed by the silent treatment, all in front of his parents. Lesson learned.

I have a friend whose DH was more like yours, and she dealt with it in a pretty ruthless way. He got warned that if he ever argued in front of the kids in the nasty way he’d been doing she would steer the conversation round to something he didn’t want other people to know about. Interestingly they are still married despite what seems to be a form of blackmail.

My mum would say i gave you the look, but i never saw it as she had a different look each time. i couldnt keep up with the face change.

Better to just say what you mean to signal that it should be an issue to wait for later. A look is fairly passive aggressive. What's wrong with saying: "This conversation isn't going anyway, we're winding each up, let's let the dust settle and address it later on." I wouldn't think that modelling 'looks' for children is a good way for them to think that people should pause an argument. A look can be far more misinterpreted than a few words said honestly. Don't make glaring the way to handle disagreements.

Can you just say "Lets talk about it later"?

Rather than giving him a look, just cut him off at the knees straight away and say you won't be discussing this in front of the kids. I find being direct is much easier in most of life's scenarios.

I should point out that it’s not usually us that’s arguing to start with, it can be him and one of the dc and I think he’s taking it to far so give him a look to say “leave it”. I’ve tried saying “I don’t think this is going anywhere, I think we should just leave it” but then he gets annoyed that I’m undermining him in front of the kids.

I do think there are occasions when I could just me more direct.