AIBU for moving back to the UK

[Wearebettertogether77]

We moved abroad from the UK with 8 and 11 years olds. Husband remote works so flexible on geography and was main driver on the move as doesn’t like the UK but I agreed. I really want to go back to the UK and 8 year old really misses her friends, is unsettled, complains of stomach ache before going to her new school and feels she doesn’t have many friends here. 11 year old son enjoys it, has made new friends, still very much misses his old friends and if given a choice would go back. We’ve only been here 6 months but it’s been very hard. Compounding the issue have elderly mother in the UK whose health is now getting worse. AIBU for wanting to go back?

Where have you moved to?

You’re not unreasonable for wanting to move back. Nobody is really unreasonable for wanting something, it’s how it’s actioned and how you collaborate with others who will be impacted by the actions that matter.

we moved back to the U.K. 4 years ago after a decade in the states. Lots of reasons to go, lots of reasons to stay but fundamentally I was desperately homesick so we found a way to make it work. DC were 10 and 13 at the time

What were your hopes when moving? Is that happening?

What were your plans a out DM getting older?

The reasonable thing would be to honestly try to make it work for some time, without confusing the children with a potential return, and see how that works. If it really wouldn't work, coming back makes sense, just be aware of the complications if your DH isn't on board wirh returning.

No you are not being unreasonable to want to go back, but you probably haven’t given it enough time. I lived overseas for 25 years in three different countries and the first year is always challenging.
Do you have siblings in the Uk?

It's not unreasonable to want to move back, but also six months isn't a long time to feel settled somewhere new. Before making a decision think through A) the reasons why you moved, what did you hope to gain? Are you getting the benefits you hoped? And B) what are the reasons for moving back, will your problems actually be solved by moving back?

About your mother, it's only been six months so she's still the same age as she was when you left. Did you have a thought/plan about what you wanted to happen when she needed support with health/age? If there was a plan is there a specific reason why that plan is now not practical?

Six months is no time at all, you need to give it at least a year to really settle. Husband presumably is happy with the new life? Son seems to be enjoying life. What have you done to help your daughter settle? What is your life like - are you working too?
Give some thought to whether you really want to live in the UK, or whether you don’t want to live where you are. It could be that the UK is your home at heart, or you might find a better life in a different place from where you are.

Does your DH know how unhappy you all are?

He doesn’t like an entire nation? Four very different countries? Is he enjoying where you are now? Would he be willing to return? Or would it be a case of you either staying and being unhappy, or splitting? And if the latter, would there be any implications for child custody? Would you even be allowed to take them with you?

What was your plan for your mum’s care when you made the decision to go?

Where did you move to? Is your husband from the UK?

I was told 9 months after moving was when it would seem worst then should start to feel more like a new normal. It is more tricky for a trailing spouse suddenly out of routine and perhaps not working. Is there a language issue with school and establishing friends.

Husband is happy here but we don’t see him as he works long hours in an office but enjoys the sun etc at the weekends. I feel I’m on my own trying to help youngest navigate this transition during the week. I’ve been reaching out for play dates with other children, trips out etc. She has nightmares, tummy aches, doesn’t want to go to school etc. I agree that 6 months is no time at all but feel myself and the kids were happy and settled in the UK but he wanted more.
My mum had a fall two weeks ago and now has mobility issues. Hoped husband would have more time with kids and better work life balance. That’s got worse and is now financials stressed. Hope to travel this area of the world. That hasn’t happened due to financial stress.

Where have you moved to? People might be able to give more help if they know that, eg. tips on how to settle in.
Also it makes a massive difference if it's the other side of the world or if you are a short hop away by plane from your mother.

You need more time than 6 months to settle in. In face 6 months was quite a difficult time for me when I moved abroad. All the novelty had worn off and then I was faced with the realities of everyday life abroad.

Why has he stopped remote working?

I think you should probably disregard the reasons of your kids missing their friends and not being settled, purely because 6 months isn't long enough. If after a year or more the younger one is still not settling, it might be a factor. Are they dealing with a new language? Everything could change once they're fluent.

The thing with your mother is a bit different though, I understand it must be hard. Is she really stuck for someone to look out for her without you? Did you think about how this sort of situation might go before moving?

I think you should talk to your DH about how you're feeling, it sounds like he wants to stay? Maybe agree the criteria you'd use for the joint decision of staying vs moving back, and a timescale for making the decision.

Takes more than 6 months to settle, think 18 months.
But as everyone else has asked, where did you move to?

Did you move to Portugal?

I'm not sure what you were imagining it'd be like, I'm guessing your dh not being around and not being able to travel has made it difficult to really enjoy so its not lived up to the plan, but i do think maybe you had rose tinted glasses given the kids and you were moving house, school, country, climate. My kids are the same age and I think it'd honestly be a nightmare disrupting them, friendships, schooling, they're so settled into UK culture etc. I think you and dh need a proper chat about;

• do you fully commit to new country, if so how can he support you better, how can you support the kids more (language, friendships, counselling etc)
• do you go back now, if so it might not be that simple, would you go to the same area you came from, if not then the kids might not be happier, what would the housing situation be etc, what financial impact will it have, it sounds like dh is now office based - will work work

-do you give it 6 more months, save up for a move home, see if things do settle, see what remote help you can get for your mum, see what the schools place situation would be back in the UK etc.

• if you do need to make a decision, what will the deciding factors be, try and use as objective a decision making process as you can, so that neither of you feel it's the other forcing it- agree some definitive metrics

Moving home doesn't solve- financial strain, dh working harder, the big uprooting and unsettling for the kids (yes they'll be "home" but it won't be home, it'll be somewhere slightly different, friendship dynamics might have changed, school might be different etc). I do think it takes a while to settle, we moved with little ones so didn't have any issue from them but it took dh and I about 12 months to find some real friendships and develop a new routine, explore the area and find our new places and habits. Also, ask yourself how much of this is dh working too much and you feeling abandoned vs actually the new country. It sounds like you're quite resentful that he's settled in, and you're left behind to pick up the day to day issues alone.

They say it takes 1 year and half to feel fully settled in a new country. 6 months in is still the comparison phase I would say. We did the same, my husband wanted to move to Australia and I was very happy in London. I feel only when I go back to work will feel more settled. I have 3 kids but younger than yours and they are finally super happy and settled. I am the last one to make the new country feel like home.

Something doesn’t add up. How is your husband working remote yet also works long days in the office? Is he actually in the office or is he just enjoying life like a single man while you are busy looking after his children. Honestly, this sounds like a husband problem. He dragged you all to foreign country on a whim doesn’t seem interested in spending any time with his family, and doesn’t seem concerned about how his children are settling (or not). Do you have a job or any support/friends where you are or have your husband left you completely isolated and reliant on him?

Honestly, if I was you I’d take the kids home, with or without husband while you still can. He’s not keeping his side of the bargain with the better quality of life- more sunshine is not enough on its own. The longer you stay abroad the more you’ll loose closeness with people at home and the more isolated you will be

If your husband is remote working then why is he in an office for long hours?

I've relocated twice in the UK, and have worked abroad for shorter stints. I'd say it gets harder before it gets better and you're in the hardest part right now: the initial honeymoon excited to explore our new home phase is over but you haven't yet put down proper roots or made proper friends. It can take something like 18mo-2 years to fully settle.

If you stay and fully commit then I'm sure it will all work itself out. And be aware that if you return home it won't necessarily be the same as it was before.

Maybe time for a big chat together about how to make this work better for all of you?