To not relate to the “empowerment” a lot of single mums feel

[cadburyegg]

I follow a lot of single mums on social media and most of them seem genuinely happy. They’ve found love again, they keep talking about their “peace” and how fulfilled they are. I just don’t feel like this and I split with my exh over 5 years ago. Whilst I wouldn’t have my ex back and divorcing was the best thing we could have done, my life is extremely stressful, financially draining and hard work. I’ve gone on dates with a few men but none of them wanted to see me again. Other than EOW i am either working or parenting from 7am until 10pm. I was signed off from work earlier this year with stress/burn out, and I’ve cried most of this evening, I just feel overwhelmed. My ex is/was utterly useless so I couldn’t tolerate him in my house anymore. But I don’t remember feeling this level of overwhelm before . I cannot think of anything I can do to reduce my load either. Am I doing something wrong??

No you're not. It gets easier the older the child/children get! I wouldn't have another man adding to my mental load, trying to maul me and messing with my PH. Much more peaceful!

Things you see on social media are generally bollocks and if they have found love again and are going down the blended family route, they’re just heading for a shit show

Take social media with a bucket of salt. Some friends said to me recently that I have it all together... when i am drowning. Raising kids is supposed to be with the support of a village, few signed up to do this alone. Best decision ever was to split with my ex, my kids and myself are happier. But coparenting is hell, both my kids have medical issues and are constantly ill requiring time off work, I'm struggling with my job as a teacher as a result abd their father is utterly useless but threatens 50/50 regularly despite being an idiot.
I hold on to the silver linings- I make the decisions for our family, I don't have to compromise with a man, not having to be around their dad means the three of us are far better off than if I had stayed. But it is bloody hard work!

I'm happy without a man (mostly, although whenever i see an aubergine, the mind does wander) BUT

I only have one dd and i'm not balancing work due to homeschooling her

I think - can you get organised

Prioritise rest and peace - can you go part time, if youre back working

Can you sell stuff, really tighten your belts to allow for your wellbeing to improve?

The kids need you healthy and happy

Yanbu to feel however you want girl, youre doing well imo x

It's social media . They are selling a product at the end of the day.

I can across an utterly objectively dreadful parent the other day (as in I flagged issues to be escalated as.safeguarding concerns). I later learnt she's a reasonably well followed "influencer" (albeit not remotely 'famous' and her entire feed is all about what a fabulous nurturing homemaker and mother she is

You are stressed and struggling. That is what matters to you, and is what you need to deal with. How others feel is irrelevant.

Have you tried to find a job closer to home so less travel & commuting cost? Can you pair up with another single mum and swap babysitting, so you each have a little more time to yourself? What do you do to relax? I took up running in my lunch hours but it could be anything. Make use of your lunch hours.
What do you do on your EOWs? Make the most of them too. Rest, relax, catch up with friends.
The evenings are light and (hopefully soon) warm. I used to sit outside in the sun after ds went to bed. One of my neighbours would come over and we'd gossip while it got dark.

Is the lack of a partner stressing you out? Don't feel pressured to rush into a new relationship that isn't right. Better to spend the summer getting out there with your dcs - picnics in the park, local community stuff, and get to know more people.

Give yourself a bit of a summer makeover to feel more like the old you.

I'm a single mum and have been genuinely happy since I left ex 15 years ago. He morphed into a controlling abusive weirdo when ds was 3 days old. I spent two years trying to get him to behave like a civilised human, then I gave up, took ds and left. It was such a relief. To enjoy music and colour and fashion and food without constant criticism is still a pleasure every day. He never has ds so it's me 365 days a year but I only have one dc so easier. I haven't found another partner because I am now very choosy. I've not met any one I think is worth the hassle since but I don't mind that.

Have you talked to your gp about feeling so low? Does your job offer counselling? Can your family help?

You should stop thinking that social media has anything to do with real life.

I become a single mum in my mid 20s the first few years were hard!!! I had 2 under 5 , I remember sobbing on my 30th birthday al
on my own …but I had more freedom with not being with they dad as he did EOW and one night in the week( or his mum did) then if we had been together as he was in the pub every night till closing .. we were both just too young , he was married within three years .. my children were and still are my joy , I had good friends , went to Uni .. never married and 30 years later am looking younger then all my married friends 😂 .. life is what you make it

Being a single mum definitely does not feel empowering all the time.

You probably feel empowered that you left your ex. You might even feel like you are better alone mentally than with a draining partner - which is what I, and many of my single parents friends feel when we think about the additional child (aka man) we had to take on.

But there is no doubt that the single finance, and being the only person to manage your schedule and a child’s schedule or sometimes the lack of support you might feel - isn’t real too - and can sometimes not feel empowering.

All I can say is take it a day at a time. If you are off, use it as a chance to rest, and maybe think about your schedule moving forward and if there is anything you can do to ease the load. What are you mums friends like? We found ourselves really supporting eachother with things like pick up, drop off, play dates to have a place where you can unwind too (though chats if you trust them enough) and even things like being the standing parent if a child’s parent can’t make a performance due to work etc.

It is hard, I remember primary school being such a grind sometimes. But now that my teen is older it is much easier. There are good and bad days, and I remember trying to make more of the good days - even when I did feel rubbish.

Yes, and also that, even if those people are fully as happy as they appear, it makes no difference to you. You are stressed and struggling. That's what you need to focus on, and how you can improve things for yourself.

When DH and I split up I avoided social media like the plague. I couldn’t look at married people as they were loved up and I pined for what I’d lost and thought I’d never have again, I couldn’t look at single people as they seemed either carefree and I was insanely jealous as I just couldn’t get there and had responsibilities which I thought bogged me down or they were miserable and watching them literally terrified me. I was a shit show and damned in all directions, I was consumed with the negatives of everything, I couldn’t see a single positive in my life other than the love I had for my children, but that just seemed like never ending hard work. As soon as I stopped looking on the internet for what made me miserable things started to improve.

I can’t stress enough how much journaling helped me and I’m not a big writer. I thought dumped every night, sometimes for hours! I made lists of the good things in my life, over and over and the list got longer every time I did it. I made plans for my life, set out into what made a perfect normal day, week, month, quarter, year and what I’d need to do to get those. I used the internet to search for ideas of what I could write about, instead of looking at other people’s lives. I made lists of music I liked, what my favourite music and tv shows were, I write about happy times I’d had in my life, travelling I’d done and people I’d met. Christ I’d write anything to avoid thinking about the negatives, and slowly those good things sank in. I now have a stack of notebooks, I will never read the early ones again, the ones that are filled with heartache but I love rereading the later ones, as the spark started showing in my life again. I rarely journal anymore, I find I don’t need that distraction so much. We’re all different, I know that, but it helped me and I wanted to share it.