What am I supposed to do? Toddler bedtime

[Sorrrts]

DD 3.5 won’t go to sleep. She used to be asleep at 7 on the dot and now it’s after 9pm before she even settles down.

I am a single parent and I now have absolutely no downtime. I do have to carry on and cook and shower but none of it is enjoyable or relaxing or peaceful as she’s constantly shouting me. There’s a stair gate at her door so she can’t get out but I have the monitor.

I go up initially a few times and keep putting her back into bed. It’s exhausting.

The annoying this is that she is tired. She’s been saying she’s tired all day. She doesn’t nap and I do a slow bedtime routine with bath etc at around 6:30 so she’s in bed for 7:30.

I have totally had enough

I had non sleeper so I sympathise!

We found audio books or audio meditation like Mrs honeybee (you tube and a podcast) very helpful in just calming down after stories.

Maybe she's overtired as that can make them wired. Definitely a case of fomo if she thinks you're doing something exciting downstairs.

We had a period of sitting in the room with ours to show we're not up to anything without them. It passed.

Now even a few years later, audio books still are being used every night.

What changed? She is overstimulated for some reason, figuring out what life event or change happened to start this issue could help.
Can you move supper, bath and bed to a half hour earlier start? Make it shorter? Play quiet, calming music? An audiobook to listen to as she falls asleep? My dc loved a calm bed time story tape (as it was 30 odd years ago). A favourite was " The owl who was afraid of the dark" and similar stories.

How tired is she when you put her down? What time does she wake up and what does she do in the day? I think my son was going to sleep about 8 and waking up about 7am aged 3. Maybe try a later bedtime, when she's a little more tired and so doesn't try to fight sleep, making her more awake?

You both must be exhausted. That’s a normal age to not nap in the day and it sounds like you’re doing a lovely bedtime routine… do you think she’s already overtired by then? I wonder about moving it earlier so start bath at 6 then story and bed by 6.45/7?
you could get her one of those clocks that pops up when it’s morning time? And explain we don’t leave our rooms until then.
when you put her down you could say I’ll come back and check on you in 10 minutes when I’ve tidied up downstairs.
after that maybe leave it a good while if you know she’s safe?
or try the disappearing chair method?
or rewards?
does she have black out curtains?

Will she sleep in your bed if you stay with her? I've got a sleep refused and I get him in with me, get him to sleep, sneak off and come back a few hours later. Whatever it takes to get through the week.

Will she sleep in your bed if you stay with her? I've got a sleep refused and I get him in with me, get him to sleep, sneak off and come back a few hours later. Whatever it takes to get through the week.

I agree with the just sitting in the room, talk through her day it helps them sort stuff in their brain for sleep and then no talking allowed, your breathing will help regulate and it may take a couple of days but my youngest now asleep in five minutes.

Is she crying or just shouting?

If she isnt distressed I'd leave her to it.

Sometimes it’s really helpful to put them to bed at their preferred time (so probably around 9.15) for a short time. The idea is you create a strong bed time routine, then as it goes with the time she actually settles it would hopefully be much more relaxing for her and she should settle much quicker. Then when she is sleeping without a battle you start bringing the bed time back by about 15 minutes every few days until it’s more acceptable. Wake her up at your chosen time no matter how late she has slept aswell.

My daughter has just turned 4 and she still needs help falling asleep, she likes it when I am in the bed and we are back to back with our bums touching. If I face her she chats! If she’s struggling to fall asleep I normally reassured you “I can see you are trying so hard to fall asleep. You are doing great. I am so proud of you trying” even though sometimes this absolutely isn’t true I do find this helps her feel calmer to actually settle.

The other thing is that I used to go on my phone at sleep time and I hadn’t realised how much brighter it makes the room. I still do but I make sure that my phone is low so it doesn’t affect her.

Now my daughter settles really well and I’ve occasionally started telling her “I am going to make a cup of tea/ load the dishwasher” ect and I will come and check on your in 5 minutes. Sometimes she really doesn’t want me to leave so I stay but often she will be fine with this and will fall asleep. Sometimes I offer to put a teddy on her bed when she is sleeping so she knows I have checked on her :)

What time does she wake up in the morning? Do you have total blackout blinds in her room?

Some kids just don’t go to sleep early. My dd is 5 and very high energy, she has always struggled to go to sleep and usually ends up falling asleep around 9pm, despite us trying many different things get the years. She’s being assessed for ADHD and ASD (not for this, there are many reasons she is being assessed).

I'd try keeping her up late for a few nights, do the bedtime routine at 8.30 in bed at 9pm, hopefully she will fall asleep immediately exhausted. Then start at 8, then 7.30 etc.

What time is she up in the morning? My daughter was happy to go to bed for 730 but my son always needed less sleep. Does she have a gro clock and proper
blackout blinds? It’s very confusing this time of year as it’s so bright out.

It's much lighter in the evenings now, maybe invest in a blackout blind so her room is pretty dark, with a little nightlight if she needs it. Stick to your routine and try and ignore any shouting out as much as you can. Maybe lie down with her for a little bit and then when she's starting to look sleepy, kiss goodnight and say you're going to tidy up and you'll come back and check on her in a little while. Hopefully, once she realises she's not missing out on anything, she'll start to settle earlier again.

Just lie with her cuddling and chatting or lullabies etc until she falls asleep. Then sneak off and do what you have to do. Or sleep too depending on your needs.
not many children need such an early bedtime at 3 years old. Sleep needs drop as children grow.
maybe try bedtime at the time she usually goes to sleep at.

I would change up the bedtime routine. It sounds like the current one doesn't work for her anymore. They say the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If this is happening night after night, it's time to change the routine.

I would start by making sure she has opportunity for an energy burn directly after dinner. Then some time with a calmer more focused activity (tire her brain out). I would try bath, PJ's, teeth, stories, into her bedroom with an audio book or quiet activity (you go downstairs for half an hour), then back up for lights out and goodnight. This way you can preserve some of your evening, but you're not asking her to sleep until 8pm at which point the sleep pressure will be higher.

This is what I do too

I found that I had to move the bedtime back as they got older. Try 8pm rather than 7.

I don't have advice but I'm sending solidarity because I could have written this word for word. Ds is the same age and we're also in the thick of it these last few weeks and he also would have previously been an excellent sleeper.

Maybe a developmental leap? I know his imagination has really taken off recently and that's making it harder for him to wind down at night.

9pm is early for a 3yr old or it certainly was for all of mine, we all went to bed at the same time, around 11/11.30pm. I'm not sure why you're insisting on her being upstairs behind a gate, poor wee soul and making an issue of it, it's just making it worse. Just let her do her thing downstairs and she'll fall asleep when she's ready.

Same. At 3.5 DD would have been up till gone 10:30pm (and waking up around 12 hours later). Could never bath her at night - it just woke her up more.

Diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD.

Oh, and they go from equilibrium to disequilibrium at 3.5 - I can remember googling as she changed into a different child overnight!

Still had it in my notes!

Three-Year Old Behavior Challenges

What is life like with a three-year-old? There is something quite magical about the three-year-old year, and often something quite difficult. I have had three mothers contact me recently about life with a three-year-old – its ups and its downs..
This is how the Gesell Institute Book “Your Three-Year-Old” characterizes some of the qualities of a three and three and a half year old”

Three Years:

Conforming, decreased physical aggressiveness, happy most of the time, friendly, pleasing
Loves new words
Likes to make a choice within realm of experience
Sure of himself
Tries to meet and understand social demands
Gets along well with mother
Helpful around house
Like to relive babyhood
Beginning of interest in babies, wants family to have one
If sibling is on the way, most really do not understand baby growing inside mother
Expresses affection readily
Desires to look at and touch adults, especially mother’s breasts
Father can take over in many situations, although Mother still favored parent
Child clings less at bedtime and may go to sleep better for father
Usually enthusiastic about other children but still immature in their social reactions
Children may be more comfortable with adults other than other children – they approach adults with requests for help or information
From page 55, “ Much of a child’s conversation with any adult is still self-initiated. He may respond to what grown-ups say to him, or sometimes, he may not.”
Temper tantrums decline

Three and a Half Years:

Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simples event or occasion can elicit total rebellion
Strong and secure gross motor abilities may turn more into stumbling, falling, at this age
New- found verbal ability “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining
Loves silly rhymes and rhyming words, sentence length is increasing, acquiring a large vocabulary
May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things
Three and a half to four may be the height for the most “WHY?” “WHERE?” “WHAT?” kinds of questions
Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity
Mother-child relationship difficult but may also cling to mother
May refuse to take part in daily routine – may do better with almost anyone than Mother
Inwardized, insecure, anxious
Determined and self willed; emotional extremes predominate
Emotional and physical insecurity
Anxious; lots of tensional outlets such as nose-picking, nail-biting, boys may be pulling almost constantly at their penises, etc; can see stuttering and tremors of muscles at times, visual strain
May not eat well, may still have problems with bed-wetting, may wake up in the middle of the night and walk around
Afraid of almost anything and everything
Beginning of prolonged play with dolls, house building, tricycle riding
Girls may propose to Daddy at this age
If your child tells you stories, they may have violent elements in them (page 102)

THINGS THREE-YEAR OLDS DO:

Wonder at things!
Play a lot
Invent stories to tell
Talk a lot and ask a lot of questions
Love their mommies and daddies and pets!
Get all those new words and new skills!

THINGS THAT MOTHERS SAY ARE DIFFICULT ABOUT THE THREE-YEAR-OLD:

Whining
Frequent changing of mind
Wanting to play games constantly with mother and wanting her attention all the time
The difficulty that comes with dressing, eating, going to bed, taking a nap
The asking of “Why?” over and over and over

Do you read her books at bed time? We used to read 3-4 books and that made my little on tired. No tv 1hr before bed and then 3-4 books