Does this sound like burnout? Or do I just need to get a grip?

[Theworldofcoinsandbuttons]

I’ll try not to make this too long.

I’m 46, perimenopausal, in a very high stress job. Been there for two years. Had a lot of big deliverables over the past three months. Thought I was handling it well. A few weeks ago my boss pulled me up about a few things that honestly weren’t even on my radar. Started to address those as a priority.

We are going through a merger right now (changing some details here but just to give you context) and so things are very stressful and my boss is dumping a lot of stuff on me.

A few weeks ago she was in the office (she’s not based in the UK) and I got wind she was having secret meetings with my team. Even speaking openly to them about me in the office. This sparked some severe anxiety and I had a panic attack in the toilet.

Last week, she said she was planning on putting me on a PIP. Citing things I hadn’t delivered and that people had made complaints about me. Told me she was restructuring my team. I was obviously very upset, cried (it was a Teams meeting) and after the call ended, just could not stop crying. It was like my body had shut down. I cried so much I ended up hyperventilating and I think had another panic attack.

I self certified for a week and was planning on going back tomorrow but I cannot see how I can do that. I can’t even go near my home office. My stomach is constantly in knots. I’m not sleeping. I feel totally empty and overwhelmed.

Prior to this I know I was working ridiculous hours. Online first thing. Still checking emails at 10pm. Long car journeys I’d sit in the front on my laptop trying to clear emails. I was even sleeping with my work phone on my pillow so I didn’t miss early messages (wider team global so online hours before me). I just kept telling myself if I just worked longer or harder than anyone else, I would be ok. But clearly I’m not.

I spoke to a friend yesterday who has watched me in this role and she thinks I’m burned out. For more context, I took this role (the biggest and most stressful I’ve ever had) three months after my Mum died. Classic case of not dealing with things.

So as not to drip feed, I am having counselling and I separated from my husband in Jan (my choice, still living in the same house) I am B12 deficient and start injections tomorrow and have an appointment to discuss HRT next week.

I know how PIPs end for people like me in senior roles while also in the middle of a merger. I know this is a managed exit, and this is now stressing me out even more and probably exacerbating my mood. Part of me thinks I should just go back, face the music, start the PIP and work as hard as I possibly can. But I just cannot face it.

What can I do? Help.

Not to sound harsh or dismissive, but to me it doesn't sound like burnout per se, moreso that you aren't fit the role.

There should be no reason for sleeping with a work phone, clearing emails in the car on your personal time, getting stressed and having panick attacks about other people's meetings. If you need to work longer & harder to justify yourself.... why bother? It's not the correct role for you. And there is nothing wrong with that! Not everyone is cut out for certain roles.

If you are constantly stressed, you genuinely won't be able to be your best either at work or at home. You are now physically ill.... and for what? A role that has been nothing but long hours and stress for 2 years? There's so much more to life!

First post sounds right. It just sounds like the role isn’t right for you.

Agree. If the role is prompting the behaviour you’ve described, you’re not right for each other. Boss sounds fairly unsupportive and indiscrete; talking about you to others, in that context is unprofessional. You sound like you’ve had a tough time, and ‘working hard’ is not really what you need right now for your health holistically. Id see it as a sign, this is not your path right now; listen to the universe’s signals

Agree with above.

Time to look at other options for work - do you have any ideas?

Can you afford to take a few months break?

This would buy time to rest, sort out the HRT and learn what YOU want

How do you like to live? What does a good day look like? What are your dreams?

I disagree. I am in my early 30's but am going through some hormonal imbalance and I cannot stress how badly that affects your outlook and reactions to things.

Menopausal/perimenopausal health needs to be discussed more because the impact of hormonal moods and anxiety are devastating. I have to have my partner accompany me everywhere right now because otherwise I am a sobbing anxious mess :( But I know it's not a real reflection of me, the same as it isn't for you.

Your workplace should see this as a health issue you may need reasonable adjustments for. I really hope you pursue this, alongside your health solutions, and feel a million times better and back on top of things soon xx

Might not be what you want to hear, but you don't sound very happy in the role.

If you think the inevitable outcome of being on a PIP will be a managed exit, then it's likely better to get ahead of it and suggest that you would be open to leaving via a settlement agreement. Less stressful for you and you walk away with a decent amount of cash and a guaranteed good reference (this is always important to get in these negotiations).

If you've been there 2 full years or more, they can't easily get rid of you, so they'll likely pay you off. Do your research and get a decent payment, which will hopefully tide you over while you find another job.
And also means you don't have to deal with the stress of being on a PIP and then ending up out of work anyway, (which also sounds pretty likely to happen in any case given the merger). With a settlement you'd be less stressed and have a cushioning pile of settlement cash.

Yes it's shit, but it's the way to play the game more effectively.

I mean it may or may not be burnout. Very hard to say from afar when we don’t know you and aren’t your doctor.

Either way, it doesn’t sound like you were enjoying the role or finding it was right for you even before this business with your manager.

I would see your GP to see what they thing, and if they do sign you off, looking for new roles during the period of time you’re off work.

I think you sound stressed and unwell. I don’t think it’s burnout in the classic sense, but rather a combination of some physical stuff that’s going on, emotional in terms of bereavement and separation, and then work stress.

If I was your line manager I’d appreciate a frank conversation about all the other stuff happening in your life, and that you recognise you’ve developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms at work which are impacting you negatively. Confirm you intend to take a bit more sick leave and will be speaking to your GP to get a Fit Note.

Genuinely get yourself well before going back OP. Don’t be put under a PIP or persuade yourself the job isn’t right for you when actually you’re unwell. And go back on a phased return with any adjustments you need. Then you can take a view on whether it’s the role for you or not.

So grief, divorce, peri and a merger (with the full force of politics that always entails) all within a short space of time.
Honestly, for most people, even a simple merger in this kind of job is enough to send them over the edge temporarily.
I would say you need to take as much time to manage your mental health whilst at the same time protecting yourself legally from the implications of the merger and them trying to manage you out.
Have you got anyone in real life that does the same type of job but outside your actual work place?

Burnout shows in loads of different ways and is a slow thing. From what you have said - the job is seriously ruining your health so it may be time to rethink and go before you're pushed. As you're seeing a counsellor - hopefully they will help you clear your mind and get you back on track. It may be that HRT will help with the emotional imbalance.

You've automatically jumped to this being a health issues. It might be. But it isn't always the case. Sometimes people are appointed to jobs that just aren't right for them. If that's the case, we have to be grown ups about it and accept the role isn't right. A JD is JD. We can't just change a remit to fit with the appointed.

Whatever it is, OP, focus on the next steps, not the diagnosis. My former colleague was in a similar position, she stayed on sick leave until she found another job. Months. They can offer you a settlement agreement to get rid of you fast (that is my situation in different circumstances) - negotiate and take it.

Use the sick / paid for time to recover. Accept your losses and cut them lose emotionally. You will feel like a new woman with rest and HRT. Also, check out magnesium to help you relax.

Our jobs are so important to some of us, we hate to fail and then in frustration work ourselves into the ground, while employers generally do not care about us.

Read SUMO book.

It's a combination of everything in recent years and unfortunately, your body is sending alarm bells that you are in emotional distress and exhaustion.

• Grief
• Seperation
• A new & stressful job
• B12 decifiency (huge impact if very low levels - on your mood, thought process, ability to function)
• Peri

Who knows what came first it's the biggest triggers, it's all emeshed now and your body is screaming out for rest and recovery.

Priorities:

1. Rest & Recovery
2. B12 injections & HRT
3. Counselling - grief, seperation & work
4. Then job

With work you are being managed out so your options are:

1. Exhaust the sick leave policy and hope you are well enough to return when it ends

1. Discuss a managed exit (unlikely to have a large payout given short service)

1. PIP - I don't think you are in a space emotionally where pasding it is likely and all your do is compound the already ridicilous hours and make yourself worse.

Your overall finances will probably determine the best option.

You do need a break.
You need to prioritise you and your health.
Do you have a sibling or friend or a soft place to fall right now - you need support.

You are running on empty and need to step back.

Sounds like you are working yourself to the bone!! No wonder you are emotional collapse state. Your job sounds horrendous, no support, and the work load sounds impossible. I would start the job search for a kinder team and work life balance. Hugs.