Would you be honest, even if it's hurtful, or lie?

[Laiste]

I've written this out 3 times trying not to ramble! Here's the 'bare bones' :

DD is 12.
Since reception she's been friends with a girl, B, and i've been friends with the mum, P.

DD is not wanting to socialise with B any more. (been going that way since about yr5)

Awkward cos i'm still friends with P, and P confides in me about B lacking in friends and tells me she's grateful for B's friendship with DD.

We've been drifting along, but Somethings come up which kind of forces the issue. I don't feel i should make DD spend time with someone she doesnt particularly like. WWYD?

Thanks for any thoughts 😊

It's more tricky to decline a birthday party invitation or a one-off sleepover. Of course you can, but it's more difficult when you are trying to be kind.

A weekly meet-up at 12? Ridiculous if it's not wanted. Even if they wanted one, none of my kids or their friends could have weekly arrangements like that, they are too busy with clubs and homeworks.

This. It’s fine to say that you can’t commit to anything at the moment. Just say you’ll let her know if anything changes - that way she won’t keep hassling you.

I’d listen as a supportive friend to her if she talks about her DD, but not really get into any details.

It’s ok to say that the girls have just drifted apart with different interests, if she really puts you on the spot. That’s life and happens all the time with kids that age. Move the conversation to maybe her DD’s hobbies and how she is getting on etc and opportunities for her to make friends there with people with similar interests.

Just say “I don’t think a weekly meet up will work for us now that DD’s schedule is getting tighter, let’s just play it by ear”

Don't force your DD into a friendship she does not want.
My DM and her best mate were determined I'd be best mates with her (the best mate's) son.
We hated each other. Said goodbye on the last day of school and we've never seen each other since and we are both thankful for it.

Tell P that the kids are drifting apart. It's true, and everyone has experience of it happening - nobody is at fault, they've just got less and less in common as they're getting older.

My own y7 DD has completely drifted away from the best friend she's had since preschool. It's totally normal.

Gosh thank you all this is a brilliant help!

So many thoughtful replies 💐

So! Firstly they are in the first year of secondary. Just to clear that up.

Reading through here has made me remember how the weekly thing started. Back before xmas last year P and I were chatting about the sudden amount of home work (and helping each other negotiate the new parent app with homework updates) and P suggested that B and DD have time together after school one day a week to do homework. I suspect it was as much about keep the friendship going, as DD and B had been put in separate classes. P was worried. We are in a small village and the kids had been spread out at secondary in town. DD makes friends easily so i was not worried. But DD agreed to the weekly meet up. The home work aspect of it only lasted a month or so. It gradually came to be that DD preferred to do hers all at once on Saturday mornings and B had often not got much to do either. So it became a weird weekly play date which DD became more and more eye rolly about.

Posters are right - at this age they can sort their own social lives out within reason. Both girls have basic phones and can text each other. They did a lot at first.

PP made a good point about being wary of going into details about why DD is cooking off. P might want B to work on it for DD's sake and that will be hurtful and not healthy. They're just kids.

Maz210 sorry you had to go through the same with your son and it hurt your friendship.

P is a lovely sensitive lady, and would be mortified if she knew my DD was feeling trapped by this weekly thing. But she is understandably pushing for her DD to cling on to this friendship and it's so awkward 😞

''Drifting apart''.

This is a good phrase. It's just when i picture myself talking a deep breath and saying it to P it makes me want to hide under the bed!!! I'm being such a woose about this 😩

I know how hurt and worried P will be for B. I also think she won't take it out on me and our friendship.
I just feel bad.

Always stay out of your kids friendships.
It never ends well.

yeah.

i agree.
Honestly if it weren't for this damn weekly thing it would be easy for DD to gently drift away.

Every time P and i speak she steers the convo round to this new club and do i think DD will keep going .... ? i'm saying yes cheerfully. Ordinarily i'd say 'so we need B round on a different day'! It's a. elephant in the room 🐘

Sometime elephants need to be ignored and they quietly slope off.

My DD was best friends with my good friend’s DD in primary school. Drifted apart on going to high school and became friendly again in uni.

At no point have my friend and I ever discussed this.

I think it would be completely reasonable to just say 'DD doesn't want to have a weekly meet-up scheduled in any more now she's 12, she wants to sort out her social life herself'.

Also have you considered that the other girl might not want the weekly play date?

Even if she doesn’t have friends I bet she senses the drifting and awkwardness

Well, don't pre-empt the elephant. Just say cheerily that your daughter is really enjoying the new activity. If the lack of a new regular homework date is bothering P, she needs to be the one to bring it up. I mean, it's her elephant, not your elephant, really.

My late mil had a similar friendship with a lovely woman she met when her son and my now DH were playing rugby in school. The boys were never very friendly but would absolutely get along in each others company and the mum attended our wedding and I attended the other boys wedding as my mils plus one.

I'm definitely not going to be the one to mention the elephant! I hope it will just slope off.

I can just feel it on Ps mind. I know her. I know she'll be trying to decide weather to suggest another day. Even though the more socially acceptable thing to do would be to wait to be invited. (it's always at my house).

We do things for our kids that are out of our comfort zone though dont we.

I've got it. I'm going to go with gently honest. I'll say ''oh, i'll ask DD what she thinks. I think she might feel her week is a bit full already now though. Maybe they can text and arrange a walk round the village together one day instead ...''

and hopefully it won't get mentioned again.

Am still dear friends with DDs ex best friends mum. The girls were inseparable all through primary but separated early secondary.

it was painful and I had to say to my friend I could no longer insist on dd including her dd. She is very emotionally intelligent and understood. Hasn’t affected our friendship.

There was no fall out. Friends dd has a lovely group of friend. Friends dd is loud, friendly, jolly, theatrical and non academic. My dd turned to be the exact opposite of all those things.

P is a lovely sensitive lady, and would be mortified if she knew my DD was feeling trapped by this weekly thing. But she is understandably pushing for her DD to cling on to this friendship and it's so awkward 😞

Please think of how your DD will feel being suffocated to keep a friendship just to placate her mothers friendship. Be honest. Be on your daughters side not your friends side. It may hurt your friend and you may have to be willing to give up your friendship totally but always choose how your dd feels over how this woman feels.

That’s perfect OP. Don’t make a big thing of it. And it’s nearly the end of the school year (well one week to go here in Ireland) so you can be busy over the holidays and just not get the meet up started again in September. As they are in different classes you can say she is busy with a project or homework or work to do with her other activities. And the friendship might last and pick up again as long as your DD isn’t forced into the weekly thing. To be fair she needs some chill out time after school if she is otherwise busy with activities

I think she probably has sensed the drifting. I think left to her own devices she (B) would let it slide.

However P would like them to stay closer friends. I mean she's said it straight out in the past. 'Thank god for [DD name] because B has so few friends'. It's a sad thing.

SparkyBlue yes that's true we're nearly there arent we. Already !! Here we still have June and a little bit of July to go ...

And yes DD needs some days where nothing is happening.

I've just had this. My DD has made new friends at her secondary and her and BF since preschool now spend no time together although it was mutual. Us mums are still best friends and so are our sons. Yes it would be easier if the girls were still besties but they have grown apart. We stayed completely out of it.

I would say 'dd schedule is a bit packed so be able to do weekly meet ups. How about two of us getting together for a coffee while girls are at school?

I had this with DS. He just grew out of one friend from primary and the mum approached me (we were old friends) and said her son was upset. I just said ‘At secondary school it’s up to them to sort it out and I don’t think we should get involved’. She was a bit taken aback but, I think, used it to help her DS consider what his next steps might be in friendship. He moved on and our friendship survived.