To think this is dodgy?

[Cornonthecob17]

Been with DH a decade. Married only a month. Thought for a while that he spends far too much time on his phone but he is known to play games on there and claims he does a lot of doomscrolling to distract himself after busy day at work. It has got noticeably worse recently though.
My viewpoint changed when on Saturday morning after a rare night out drinking he (still drunk) accused me of cheating the night before. Obviously I didn’t and when he woke up properly he couldn’t believe he’d said it. But it put a thought in my head. He wouldn’t be the first person who has accused me of cheating when it’s actually them.

Today when he came in from work his phone was pinging away as usual and I snapped. Said to him, if I were to ask you to hand over your phone now, would you do it? He said yes of course. So I said hand it over then. To be clear I’ve never ever snooped in his phone or asked to look at it, except a couple of times when we’ve been joking about and he’s handed it over no problem. I’ve never actually looked through it though and wasn’t actually planning to this time either, I just wanted to see his reaction.

On this occasion he acted outraged and refused. And when I questioned this he literally ran away upstairs. I find this immensely suspicious. He’s saying I’m crazy and at one point when I handed my phone to him to show what a non issue it was for me he asked me if I’d been deleting stuff myself and had orchestrated this whole conversation as a cover up!

I wonder if other people know what I mean when I say I just have a gut feeling. The behaviour around the phone and immediately running off has my hackles up. I’m sure there’s something there he doesn’t want me to see, whether it’s another woman, gambling, porn, I don’t know. I feel like I should have just kept quiet and had a look at it when he was sleeping or something but I’m just not a person who does that and I think his reaction tells me a lot. He says the relationship is over if I can’t trust him. But I can’t get that initial behaviour around the phone out of my head and I don’t really want to let it go. In ten years I’ve never distrusted him and he’s generally a decent husband and dad, but this has thrown me and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think he’s hiding something?

I think yanbu and think trust your gut, sorry 😞

Sorry OP his behaviour is very suspicious and 'if x then the relationship is over' suggests that he's thinking of ending it whatever x is. But perhaps something else is going on.

Sorry but I would be extremely suspicious too and now he will be on guard and you probably won’t be able to get hold of it .

"The relationship is over then, because I don't trust you. Because its evendent you are cheating. Pack your shit and get out".

Sorry op but it is, over. The only question is whether or not you let it limp on until he leaves you for someone else or call time on it ASAP and take control.

His reaction told you everything you needed to know. Even if he isn't cheating it doesn't actually matter because rather than reassure you, he has gaslight you and stormed off.

He's not a safe person. And the bare minimum a partner needs to be, is a safe person to be around.

Maybe he is booking a honeymoon?

Why did he first say yes, then an angry no?

What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

Trust your gut. His reactions speaks volumes. Sorry.

If he was booking a honeymoon I would like to think he wouldn’t have got to the stage where I was very upset and he was saying the marriage was over before he came clean.
He won’t leave me. It’s his house and I couldn’t afford to run it on my own. I’m in a very difficult position right now so I won’t be able to go anywhere either. We have a guest room with en suite so I reckon tomorrow I’m going to do it up nice and move in there for the time being while I start trying to work out what to do long term. It’s going to require some hard work and tough decisions on my end. Thank you all for reassuring me though, I don’t keep very good mental health and I’m having to really analyse whether I’m actually acting crazy or there’s a real problem.

He said yes when I asked him if he would hand it over if I asked. He said no when I actually asked. To be clear again I’ve never looked through his phone and just asked to see his reaction, which in my opinion was very suspicious.

It does sound as though he doesn’t want you to see something on his phone but it may not be what you think. Could be medical issue for instance and he’s embarrassed by his search history on the subject?

I think this is a fair point but I doubt it. We’ve both had our fair share of serious and even sometimes embarrassing medical issues over the years and been very open with one another. I’m not automatically assuming he’s texting someone else though. But something isn’t right.

Is there a history of gambling?

you aren’t been unreasonable but snooping on his phone when he is asleep is an invasion of his privacy.

don’t do it.

I mean you think there is something but if its not an affair then it would surely be fixable. However once you snoop the trust is gone and its over.

I wouldn't show my phone-there could be stuff from eg workmates that it wouldn't be ok for him to see, just as I wouldn't expect to see his. And I'd be upset if he asked to-he should trust me.

"My viewpoint changed when on Saturday morning after a rare night out drinking he (still drunk) accused me of cheating the night before."

'Every accusation is a confession.' If he hasn't already cheated on you, he is considering doing so.

OP, you mentioned you have been together a decade, but only married a month ago. What prompted the marriage?

I never would. I have no desire to and he knows this. He’s saying oh well if you had done that last night there would have been nothing to look at and I wouldn’t have been bothered. But wait a minute he’s also saying if I don’t trust him it’s over? Make it make sense.

No. Definitely a history of poor financial decisions but we got our act together with money a while ago and I’ve no worries there.

Just life stuff getting in the way, been a lot happened in the last few years. We both agreed in December we would go down to the registry office and get it done, so we did. Beginning to regret it!

It went out the window when he threw away the opportunity to prove his innocence. Choosing instead to storm off and presumably, delete the evidence.

Also, too many women waste their lives looking for for proof of an affair before leaving bad partners. He doesn't have to be having an affair, he's a bad partner. Thats enough to walk.

It doesn’t look great. 💐

Trust your gut. It’s over.

The reason I asked is I was wondering if he was anticipating infidelity on his part and therefore decided to 'lock you in' to the relationship, because now it takes a divorce rather than just walking out. Or him (mistakenly) thinking being a married man would change his desire to cheat. Or him thinking getting married would make a particular woman who was showing interest back off.

"Thought for a while that he spends far too much time on his phone"
How long is 'a while'? More than the month you've been married? Predating December?

The recent marriage is a change. It could be worth thinking through whether this change prompted his new behaviour, or if this change is the result of his new behaviour.

((hug))

Hmm, I’d be really unsettled about this too. Were you out with him when he got drunk or were you at home?

Sadly I think your gut is right. He’s handed his phone over in the past, and he knows you didn’t even check it then. But this time, having said of course he would, he instead got defensive, ran away and basically turned it round on you? He’s got something to hide. Accusing you of cheating is his attempt at trying to get you to forget about what he’s been up to.