Rules of dating in midlife.AIBU

[awayfromtheedges]

We are new to dating each other.. a few months.
We only see one another once per week due to distance and commitments.
We text and speak a few times per week , text a few times per day.
This is where I’m clueless. Do people still match energy and effort or do we contact when we can and we’re free?
For example, he sent me a lovely reel last evening. I responded quickly and acknowledged it with appreciation and endearing words.
I havent received any contact since, yet he always seems to message in the mornings.
We’re both 54 btw! Do people still match effort and energy and make people wait if they’re kept waiting for messages as my natural disposition is to respond to messages immediately or else I will forget to do so .
AIBU to think this is ok or should I pull back a little.
He is attentive, interested and consistent and even when we’re doing stuff with family and friends , we remain in phone contact .

Rules? Utter bollocks

Do what works for you both

Following somebody else's arbitrary rules leads to misery

You sound like you are over thinking this, does a reel even need appreciation and endearing words? I think that’d be a bit much for me.

There is no set rule, I’m not too sure what your problem is, if it’s him not messaging enough or if you worry you reply too fast? Maybe just try and relax a bit, it’s a new barely going thing where you see eachother once a week, it sounds fairly casual.

There's no rules but personally I would relax a little more, someone who mostly replies instantly is a bit of a turn off for me. I think haven't they got anything else going on. Also then I fell like I need to reply to them. Maybe match his pace a little more.

That’s what I wondered . So when he will text I leave it a day or so to reply?

Why?

To match his effort

Whats the advantage to that? Not sure what you are trying to achieve

In my experience the best thing is to find someone who has the same notion of communication rhythms as you, and then all these problems go away

You sound all good apart from " I responded quickly and acknowledged it with appreciation and endearing words."

That sounds a little bit over enthusiastic to me. When I'm dating someone personally I want that intensity at the beginning.

If you're messaging non stop backwards and forwards every now and then re having a virtual conversation that's nice sometimes but there's nothing wrong with just chilling out, doing your thing and replying later/ missing someone a little.
Not playing games just chilling out a little.

Are you happy with the situation?

I’m so happy and all the signs point to it being mutual and equal but it’s unlike him not to message or leave a voice note or even acknowledge a response from me. I feel he’s very interested in developing something solid also.

Rules aka games.

Message and respond how you want too, if you see a reel you think thwy like - send it, if you want to message and organise something - send it.

If they dont match your expectations of what you want or need in their respinses then they are not right for you.

Stop talking about Rules. There's no rules, its BS. "Oh dont show youre too keen", "only respond after 3 days" - utter Bullshit. Games is what that is.

So you had a message from him yesterday evening, you replied and by lunchtime the next day you're worrying because you haven't had another message from him? That sounds a bit intense tbh. Maybe he's just having a busy day?

You keep talking about 'matching effort and energy' like it's some kind of unalterable life rule like death and taxation! It's as arbitrary as that nonsense on The Rules, which said you couldn't accept a date for the weekend after Tuesday, but had to claim you were 'busy'.

Do what you want, what feels natural to you. Communicate as you see fit. If you need something different from him, ask for it.

You've not given that much information here, but I'm going to suggest that you are a bit over-invested to be concerned with rate of response. If a man is interested then you usually not left wondering.

Have you discussed communication styles with him at all? I think it is a fairly good thing to be clear about, so then there is less room for misunderstanding. Saves you trying to second guess with input from randomers on Mumsnet! 😁

So he seems interested but this one time he’s not replied to your response to him yet, and you are thinking of only replying to him a day or so after he’s messaged you now… hopefully you can see that that’s a bit of an over the top response? If he’s that into you then slow replying to your reply isn’t an issue surely?