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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel totally abandoned

21 replies

superoverit · 18/05/2026 23:14

By CAMHs, Gp and school.
My teenage daughter who is autistic, has anxiety and OCD (all diagnosed) is in the middle of a mental health crisis. GP won’t see her as she is ‘under CAMHS’ which in reality means nothing other than she is waiting for an appointment. School want medical evidence - which I can’t get as she isn’t being seen by anyone - before they offer any support - she’s not been in for the last three weeks and her attendance is about 20%. CAMHs keep saying how ‘tricky’ it all sounds but as she’s not actively trying to end her life, they basically don’t care.
So I have a fragile, socially isolated and highly anxious child who is missing huge chunks of education, and her life really, and getting steadily worse whilst I am just watching this mess unfold. I am at a total loss and close to breakdown myself. I’m so exhausted by trying to get someone to help her.
What a mess. Sorry, just needed a vent and maybe someone to tell me it will be ok.
(and before anyone asks, I can’t afford to go private or to home educate otherwise I would have months ago)

OP posts:
RogerBakewell · 18/05/2026 23:21

What might help or support look like to you?

Reason for asking is some people might be able to suggest other options.

Definetelynotanathlete · 18/05/2026 23:41

I can’t offer any advice but I’m sorry you and your DD are not getting enough support. I see some similar situations in my line of work and I can see how system is failing young people who need help. So many parents are desperate for help and support but the resources are unfortunately so limited. All I can say is you need to gather your strength and keep fighting for her

TheGrimSmile · 18/05/2026 23:42

If she has those diagnoses already, what more do the school want? Show them the evidence of those and ask them what they are going to do about helping her to cope when she's at school. Would she be able to work at home if the school could set work/ provide her with books? I just think the whole education system fails autistic children. Do you have any family support?

Scottishlass9 · 18/05/2026 23:44

Hi OP, really sorry to hear this. Sounds an awful situation for you and your daughter. About the evidence the school are requesting - can you send the diagnostic reports/letters and/or referral letter for CAMHS or confirmation from them she is on the waiting list? In the circs I would think they should accept that.

I also echo PP, I see this in my line of work often and the impact the long wait times/ lack of resources are having and the ripple effect. I really hope you get the support you both need soon

Manuiio · 18/05/2026 23:44

Camhs- does she have a psychiatrist? Have she been prescribed anything for OCD? Does she have a case worker or is she on the waiting list for any therapies?
School should be offering support, they should have visited by now. What's your relationship with senco like? Does she have an EHCP or on an IEP?
GP is right really unfortunately, they could provide a sick note to school but their remit is limited here.
If you haven't already recommend reading books by Eliza fricker.
Unfortunately at the moment sounds like your daughter might be experiencing autistic burnout? Any particular triggers? Any specific fears around school?
When you say you can't afford to home educate, is it something you've explored? I only ask as if attendance is only 20% you must already have some sort of arrangement going with work? Home education doesn't require set hours or a particular timetable- plenty of SEN families end up home educating by necessity rather than choice.

80smusicandavoulevant · 18/05/2026 23:55

OP try social services. They can refer you to other services and suggest other avenues and support options in these circumstances. I hope you can get the support you and your daughter need x

Idontmindsoyoudontmatter · 18/05/2026 23:56

A friend of mine wasn’t getting any support for her daughter who had been out of school for a very long time due to mental health issues. She ended up writing to the local MP and kept chasing for an appointment to meet with him to talk about her situation. It seemed to work as she was given home tutors for her DD final 3 years of school.

Ask your local MP for help.

Newnewcoffee · Yesterday 00:00

Another vote for asking help from your MP. My friend had good results after talking to her MP about her disabled child. 💐💐💐

superoverit · Yesterday 00:09

Thanks everyone for being so kind. Just having a silent cry in bed.
I’ll try to answer some questions:
i would like school to action section 19 and offer alternative provision. Her OCD is
linked to contamination and is not allowing her to be in school (she’s pretty much housebound) but she is conscientious, bright and capable of getting some GCSEs even with such low attendance (she’s yr10).School have said they need consultant evidence for this or county will reject.
i feel like maybe with some medication to lesson anxiety and a higher intensity intervention she might begin to participate in life again. Her breakdown might be burnout. I don’t know. I just know that she is really unwell, requiring huge amounts of support from me (waking me in the night, almost constantly needing reassurance when I am home) and is so desperately unhappy.
I just feel like I am constantly on hold to someone who I hope could help, only to find more barriers or just having to wait.

OP posts:
superoverit · Yesterday 00:13

she doesn’t have an EHCP and timeframes are such that I doubt she would get one before she leaves yr11…
i’m just so tired of having to fight for everything. SENCO has been supportive, but there’s no real plan for supporting her to be in school and to be honest I think that would be pointless without there also being an intervention from CAMHS

OP posts:
SaySomethingMan · Yesterday 00:18

Can you get an dd i ate to help you? It’s so helpful knowing someone else is helping you through it eve. if you know a lot and can do a lot.

Snippit · Yesterday 00:28

Many years ago I had an issue with my daughter, she had glandular fever really bad and was missing lots of school. I submitted as much medical documentation but they still pestered me due to her low attendance. They then threatened me with the School Attendance Support Officer. She called me and we made an appointment. When we met up she was appalled with the school. I’d tried to negotiate a phased return and to drop subjects that weren’t necessary, graphic design and Spanish, and concentrate on the core subjects, I also asked for a mentor.

The attendance officer took all this information away with her. At the end of the next day she called me to explain that all requests were in place. She was also going to report it to the governor’s as the school had been so unhelpful. They just didn’t see the bigger picture, I was dealing with being newly diagnosed with M.S and battling for my daughter. I have come to the conclusion that most teachers have never left school, if you think about it they haven’t. They’ve never had a job in normal industry and are very institutionalised, they drove me potty!

Mangochutney33 · Yesterday 02:30

Since it sounds like you've had no help, this might be of use (it's basic so won't be enough for severely affected people without a therapists support, but if you've so far tried nothing then it's worth a go). There's a book in a series called Overcoming, there's one for OCD. It's self-help CBT. What DD needs (and may need therapy to help achieve) is coping strategies for the thoughts that come from OCD. Relying on another person for reassurance isn't a helpful strategy, because as you've discovered, 5 seconds after you've reassured her the thought is back and she's wanting reassurance again. It's completely impractical and leaves her dependent on others the entire time. She needs to develop her own coping strategies that don't require other people's input to implement. CBT can help with that.

Honestly I'd forget education right now. IMO it's completely overrated. When she's 25 nobody will care one jot what qualifications she has. Most people with ASD aren't in work, that's fact, however much you may not like it. A few GCSEs won't make any difference either way.

What will make the difference is her mental health and ability to cope with the world. So education around that will be of far more use to her than time spent analysing shakespeare or learning Pythagoras theory.

She can educate herself from the library or YouTube for free, on all manner of subjects not just the national curriculum ones taught in schools. Let her learn about the genetics of Peruvian mountain goats or how to knit a jumper, if it calms her down. All learning is exercising the brain, it doesn't matter the subject. There are various websites run by charities where she can learn about autism. GCSEs are available to mature students at college, not only youngsters, although there'll be a fee once she's past 18, but if she's on benefits that fee will be minimal.

Trying to shove a square peg into a round hole isn't helpful IMO. Best thing she can do is focus on her mental health and learning to navigate the world as someone with ASD. When she reaches 18 if she's not capable of working she can claim UC and possibly PIP too. In her current state (if it's ongoing) she probably qualifies for DLA (the children's version of PIP) which she can then spend on anything at all, so a home tutor if that's what she wants and family budget is the only issue.

You need to be practical, there's very little chance she's going to be seen by CAMHS before she ages out of it so you'll be looking at a referral to adult MH CMHT when she's 18. It sucks, I know, but that's life. Banging your own head against a wall that won't yield is a waste of time and energy.

Hopefully she'll recover enough to work one day. If she does, she can get an entry level job that all the other people without qualifications can get. We're indoctrinated that GCSEs, A levels and university degrees are the only path to any kind of life at all. It simply isn't true and that mindset puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on someone who's health is already in the gutter. Pressure is the last thing she needs right now.

Many jobs/industries, if the person is capable, they can work their way up even if that means switching companies every few years. As an adult you're only as good as your last job, nobody cares what GCSEs you got (if any). If a person isn't capable of working their way up a career ladder, for either intelligence or health reasons, then no amount of GCSE certificates is going to get them a better paid job. So I'd forget school and focus on quality of life at the moment. You want a same and happy child, over and above a well educated one.

Mangochutney33 · Yesterday 02:35

*sane, not same

AnOldCynic · Yesterday 06:11

Getting an EHCP is vital, for College possibilities too after school. You can start the process yourself.

Conkersinautumn · Yesterday 06:26

I'm in a very similar situation, just two years more. She still can't get support. An Adhd assessment is still just kicked into the long grass as she's now an adult despite the autism assessor asking for one fie years ago. The Dr doesn't want her to try ADs, many days she can barely function (ie get out of bed). GP tells her to access Samaritans or aps.

With an autism assessment she was still kicked off her college course. Unfortunately what looks like 'reasonable adjustment' (reduced timetable, breaking down tasks into dated checklists) to me the College said they couldn't support.

With my child (adult) I am focusing on pushing advocating for her mental health first. The processes Unfortunately take absolutely no regard for an individual everything is pushed back, buck passed etc. It's very stressful having a system that assumes unwillingness rather than incapable. When autistic girls say 'they can't' Unfortunately my experience is very much everyone medical, educational hears 'wont'.

ExtraOnions · Yesterday 06:53

Hi OP

having been in this exact situation, I’ll share a few things with you.

There are some great communities out there for you to access, I would recommend “ not fine on school” and “the autistic girls network” both filled with kind and understanding people who can give you advice.

Your school is failing in its duty to your daughter, you do not need an EHCP, or even a diagnosis, for them to offer Alternative Provision. They (and the local authority) have a statutory duty to provide an education to your child. Do not allow then to push it all onto you. You need to ask them how they are going to ensure they meet thier statutory obligations. It’s not your job to wrangle her to school, it’s thier job to make the place feel safe for her. Please don’t be fobbed off by then.

EHCP, make a Parental request to the Local Authority today for an EHCP. You don’t need to wait for school, you can do this yourself.

CAMHS, become a pointy elbowed pain.. email them every couple of days “where is my appointment” put a complaint in (today) to the Mental Health trust.

Do not take her out of school, keep her on the roll, to ensure she isn’t forgotten. Luckily DDs school were supportive, she missed nearly all her last 2 years, but they didn’t fine me, or off-roll her, they put her in for her GCSEs and she passed 5 of them. The school have completly changed their SEN offering, you don’t need a diagnosis to her extra support.

DD got Sertraline from CAMHS at 17, which was a game changer. She’s 20 now, just finishing a first year at college, she got a PT job locally, she’s got friends, she’s got a car .. loads of things I thought wouid never happen. Don’t feel the need to push education, they are always opportunities to learn and get qualified, there is no rush.

You are not the only person in the situation, and things will get better

superoverit · Yesterday 18:45

Thank you @ExtraOnions and also @Mangochutney33 for your thoughtful posts. I’ve been in contact with school
today and asked them to meet me before half
term. There’s a slight complication in that she goes to school over a county border, so in a different county to the one we live in, which complicates things too.
Thanks to everyone for the advice and encouragement- you’ve fired me up to keep fighting!

OP posts:
ohsotired2022 · Yesterday 19:00

Can you contact someone from Health, School Nurse, Camhs and ask for all letters to be printed and you to get a copy.
can you share these with school.
Do you have regular meetings with school?
can you ask for a meeting?
are there any advocacy services ?
can you enlist the help of one to help with legal side of things
I’m sorry your daughter is in crisis

ExtraOnions · Yesterday 19:04

superoverit · Yesterday 18:45

Thank you @ExtraOnions and also @Mangochutney33 for your thoughtful posts. I’ve been in contact with school
today and asked them to meet me before half
term. There’s a slight complication in that she goes to school over a county border, so in a different county to the one we live in, which complicates things too.
Thanks to everyone for the advice and encouragement- you’ve fired me up to keep fighting!

Remember, you do not need an EHCP, or a diagnosis, for the school to offer Alternative Provision. It is 100% in their gift to offer a reduced timetable, remote working, late starts, early finishes, down time in the day etc.

If they tell you she needs an EHCP, they are not telling the truth.

scoopofmintchocchipicecream · Yesterday 21:37

Living in a different LA doesn’t have to be a complication.

You make the EHCNA request to your LA rather than the LA the school is in.

As per section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the ultimate responsibility for providing education to compulsory school aged pupils unable to attend school full time lies with the LA rather than the school. That is the LA you live in rather than the LA the school is in. Provision should have already been provided. It should be provided as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. These days don’t have to be consecutive or already missed. And provision should start by the sixth day of absence.

Assuming it is a state mainstream school, they must make their best endeavours to meet DD’s SEN. However, what support they can provide is often limited at a SEN Support level. And they must make reasonable adjustments.

You should also check what the school is coding DD’s absences as. They should be authorised and coded as I. But you need to check they aren’t wrongly recording them as unauthorised.

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